to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

I think the only time it's reasonable to expect to pay a grandparent to look after a grandchild is if the grandparent is giving up a job to do so. Other than that I think it's pretty shameful of a grandparent to ask or accept payment.

I don't think anyone should expect a grandparent to look after a grandchild on a regular basis either though. It's nice if they want to and it does save you money, but it shouldn't be expected. However, you asked, she said 'yes' - that would have been the time for her to say 'Yes, for money'.

In your situation now, I would put her in a childminders for 4 days and Grandad on the 5th day. I would not want her looking after my child with that attitude. I would tell Grandad about the change of plans and if he offers to have her the other day well and good, but I wouldn't ask. Depending on his age/health it might be a bit much (might not too if he's young & fit!), but it also means he'd probably be able to help you out a bit more on days she's not well enough to go to nursery or whatever.

It would change my relationship with my mother, totally.

Don't get me wrong, I would give her some money for outings/classes whatever they wanted to do, petrol vouchers, take food around sometimes, make sure she was well supplied with nappies, wipes etc so she wasn't out of pocket. The odd bunch of flowers, bottle of wine...

I'd put her into nursery for four days a week and be polite and practical with your mother about it. If you are paying for a service, it can't be withdrawn at a moment's notice and you have more control over what happens.

Speaking as someone who got no help from gps I do think it is a bit off her expectation to be paid the same as you would nursery etc. If she is retired and has no money probs then yanbu to expect her to do it for free or a token payment. I would offer her something but less than nursery rate or change the arrangement so she just sees your dd at weekends.

I think there's a difference between looking after GC's for a day a week as it suits the GP, as in "Oh I'm free this Thurs. Why don't I take DD for you?" and committing to a fixed day each week that you have to stick to and can't just say "Oh, X invited me to go to London so I can't do next Wednesday. Sorry".

All my friends who use GP's as regular childcare do pay them something although not on a par with nursery.

Also, not sure it is illegal- isn't there an exception for family? There used to be.

I think your mothers financial circumstances are her own business tbh. You are not entitled to expect a job to be done for free, whatever the financial situation is

Can I also knock on the head this assumption that families who don't provide free childcare are somehow less loving, or less generous or less close? It is entirely possible to be a loving, engaged, caring, fun grandparent without wanting the responsibility and restriction of providing regular childcare. I have wonderful memories of my grandparents, and they were very special people in my life, and I think part of the joy was that they were just grandparents, not unpaid regular childcarers

OP - I agree that it is unfair of your mother to raise the issue of money so late in the day, but I would guess there could be many reasons why... She may be having reservations about agreeing to such a regular commitment. She may want to enjoy seeing her grandchild regularly without it having to fit around your work. I think you need to just accept that it is not your parents responsibility to provide free childcare . Look on it as a bonus that your dad is willing to do it, despite poor health.

I can understand her maybe asking for a nominal amount, to cover the cost of any fuel or food or trips out etc. But not the full rate of a childminder.

Tell her in that case, you'd sooner use the nursery for the extra day as you know it's strictly speaking "against the rules" to pay her and you want it all to be above board. Call her bluff. She may change her mind and say it doesn't have to be the full rate or something.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to think your mum should want to see her GD, but on such a regular basis it's a bit different. It will impact on stuff she might need to do in the week. I'd offer a tenner at least. And don't worry about Ofsted, if they ask say no you're not paying her, how would they know!?

I should add, in most cases, the GPs have dropped hours of another job to provide care for the GC's so maybe that's why the parents pay.

Everyone I know has gps that take the gcs for at least a day a week or do some drop offs to school etc. I think its weird asking for payment especially as they seem well off.

Just checked Ofsted. It is NOT illegal to pay grandparents to look after grandchildren, nor are they required to register with Ofsted.

I do generally agree that if you are going to pay for the fourth day of CC, I'd lean towards using the nursery rather than your DM, because as they are operating as a business they are less likely to let you down at the last minute. That's the risk you take with using GPs as CC I suppose, but if you're going to pay someone, you should have a reasonable expectation that they will actually be there when you need them. The fact that your mum has dropped this on you at the last minute does make her sound a bit 'flaky' (wrong word, but I can't think of what I want to say!).

YANBU
I think that if she's going to be out of pocket substantially then offering to help out with that would be fine. But to ask for the same as a nursery is a bit "grabby" I think. It seems to me it would change your relationship (is she going to want holiday pay too?!), and that having initially offered to help out for a day a week without mentioning pay it seems harsh to suddenly drop this on you.
I can't imagine my DM asking for money to babysit (even on a regular basis) if she was retired/not working. Isn't this what family are supposed to be for? (I understand that not all GP's are in the position to be able to help out, but it seems like yours is!)
Hope you get it sorted out.

Can I also knock on the head this assumption that families who don't provide free childcare are somehow less loving, or less generous or less close?

I agree with the above. Grandparents have raised their own children and are not obliged at all to be carers for grandchildren. I would never ask mine to do this, although I know they'd gladly do babysitting etc if we were near each other. If my parents had suggested it and I accepted, I would absolutely be paying them something, in the same way as I contributed to household expenses as soon as I got a job until I moved out.

I'm also a bit that your Dad is taking her for a full day when he's recovering from cancer, but obviously, if he's offering, that's different.

I do think people are a bit naive to think other people, even family, will be 'biting their arms off' to take their kids....

I do understand that not all GPs want to commit to a regular child are slot. My parents made it clear when I got pregnant with ds1 that they would help out as and when but wouldn't commit to a regular day. Both my kids went to nursery for the three days I worked then. Not a problem for me,

The fact she agreed and now wants payment though is weird, it makes me think she must be having a problem with the commitment aspect. Unless she's generally stingy or unwilling to help?

I agree with others, one day grandad and the other days in nursery would be best.

YANBU, your mother is being very cheeky and unkind. The thought of my own mother or ( even!) my MIL doing this is unthinkable. Could it be that she has financial problems that you are unaware of? The value of some private pension funds has dropped considerably, I believe.

I should add that my parents are great and adore dc, and have them for weekends etc, we just didn't do the regular child care element.

I´m not sure why she should be biting your hand off to be free childcare tbh!

I think that looking after a LO regularly for a full day is a big responsibility.

That said, I also don´t think that she should be asking for nursery rates either.

Difficult one.

I think it should have been established from the start what basis she was doing this. Did she just assume she was getting paid and you just assume she wasn't?

I think to ask for the same rate as a registered childcare professional? That's a bloody cheek though. I would offer to pay a small sum for food, drinks and trips out she might have when at her Grandmother's house as it is unfair to expect her to be out of pocket. Plus the occasional flowers, box of chocs, better birthday present to show you don't take it for granted.

If not, I'd ask your dad if he wanted to do an extra day and if not, she may as well go to the Nursery.

I think she doesn't want to do it, and that YABU for assuming she would.

As a single mum earning £21k, you will be entitled to tax credits to offset your nursery fees. You can only claim tax credits for a registered childcare provider and given that your mum is not a registered CM (presumably), you will not be able to claim back any of the costs of paying her. So if you have a choice of paying her or paying the nursery, it makes sense financially to pay the nursery.

Secondly, as others have pointed out, your mum needs to be registered in order to provide paid childcare.

I also agree that your mum is being unreasonable. Had she given up a job to take care of your DCs then yes, she might expect payment. But it would nice to think that she would like to spend time with her own grandchild without being paid for it.

I would sit down with your mum, tell her you are a bit shocked that she has asked for money and that you didn't think her looking after her own DGC would be such a burden.

I think I would book dd into nursery for the extra day. It will give you piece of mind.
Like others have said perhaps your mother doesn't really want to be tied down.
It is a shame that she wants to be paid especially since she certainly isn't poor.
My mum is the same whenever she spots a bargain such as reduced fruit she always asks me for the money. She took my dd for several weeks to a show she was in as it clashed with my work. My mum is retired and said she loved doing it as it gave her something to do. I gave her £20 to cover my dd train fare, then mum asked me for the exta £5 or thereabouts to cover her 50p fares as well!!!!!

She had even kept a written record of the exact amount it had cost her to take my dd, and I am an only child so my dcs are the only grandchildren she will ever have.

If she's just inherited a quarter of a million pounds and she's still asking you for payment, I'd say that's a huge hint that she doesn't want to do it.

Some GPs will 'bite your arm off' to get the chance to babysit when they want to.

Committing to regular childcare so you can go out and earn a living is completely different.

She obviously doesn't want to do it.

Yanbu. My parents have just refused to help out with child care ( two days a month) so I can increase my hours to cover DH having his hours cut and are now complaing they dont see much off us as Im too busy on the one day off I do get to take her over there every week