to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

I imagine she would be biting your hand off if it was once in a blue moon. But not every week.

Hello op. Slightly at a tangent here, but maybe just an idea to think about. If 21k isnt enough to give you any change after child care then you could put forwatd a suggestion of flexible working to your employer. I think they would be legally obliged to at least consider it. Concentrated hours help some people, eg doing 5 days work squashed into 4 days. You could propose doing some of your hours at home (estimate which bits of your job can be dome alone and specifu that in the proposal). You could even ask to do slighlty less hours( having worked out c care cost versus pay where the profit line is iyswim). Anyway, just another idea for you.

My mother would expect to be paid. And I would expect to pay her. But I wouldn't employ my mother!

OP I hope you can figure out a solution that feels happy for you all. I agree with the suggestion of 4 days at nursery and one day with GD.
Maybe your mum might like to pick up her granddaughter from nursery on occasion and have special time with her.

The op states she has sorted her childcare arrangements which involves her mum caring for the child one day a week. She doesn't say she volunteered. Although maybe she'll now drip feed that she did!!

I'm still interested in these jobs the op was offered in Africa and Asia ! So: on the one hand, the op talks about a 'two way street' with her helping the gp's out... Yet she obviously applied for, was interviewed and was offered jobs abroad. I smell a lot of rats in this story!

I think that you should try to get your DD into nursery for the extra day. I think she'll have more fun and learn more there than with a GP who doesn't really seem to want to spend a regular day a week with her.

We have a parents room at our local shopping centre. It has a TV in one corner set to CBeebies, in front of a playpen so that children can be contained while parents change nappies/ b'feed etc. There is always a grandparent sat on a feeding chair looking bored while a toddler plays in the playpen or watches TV. Not saying all GPs do this, of course, but better to have an engaged nursery teacher and a fun environment.

Perhaps it would be better to "engage" your mother to provide cover for those (likely to be frequent times) when your DD is unwell and can't go to nursery. They catch everything in the first year. That help would be more adhoc and perhaps she would be more willing to help out for free that way. Plus you will really value that extra cover.

I am sorry that your mother put you in this position so near the time you need to return to work. Point out it is actually illegal to pay her unless she registers as a childminder, and if she won't back down, see if you can get her into Nursery an extra day a week.

It isn't illegal to pay grandparents. Unless I've missed it, I'm not sure the op's mum ever made a concrete offer to look after her gd one day a week, although she had talked about wanting to be involved with her gd and look after her, but that is rather vague. Perhaps she was thinking of babysitting now and then or helping out in a crisis, rather than a full day once a week. I suspect she was roped into the one day a week and is now trying to get out of it. Or maybe she really does want to do it but she is feeling taken for granted and is trying to make a point.

She does say she volunteered.

I was under the impression that only registered childminders could ask for payment if they were looking after children in their own homes. Is this no longer the case?

My own DM has my DS three afternoons a week (I do pay her a nominal amount but not as much as it would cost me if he went to nursery). She offered this btw, I would never have asked/expected her to do this. I always let her know how very grateful I am and DP and I also help her in lots of ways too. To me that is what families are all about - helping each other, not because it is expected but because you want to make your loved ones lives easier.

I dont think anyone has the right to expect free childcare from grandparents, but in this instance (according to the OP) it was offered freely. So I dont think OP is unreasonable to be upset that her DM has changed her mind so near her starting her new job.

However OP I really dont think you help yourself, either on here and perhaps in real life, with comments about expecting your DM to "bite her hand off" and your insinuation that you are doing her a huge favour letting her look after your amazing, intelligent DC. TBH I find those comments quite precious..... perhaps your DM does too, hence her sudden change of heart.

I think this is a hard question. I know grandparents who will not look after their gc at all, and others who thrive looking after them ft. Mine are in the middle, which is perfect.

OP if you had talked to your mum and outlined the fact that you would love to move nearer to her so that you and dd could have a close relationship with her, but that this would involve you having to get a lower paid job that you could get if you moved to Asia, and that therefore would it be possible for her to look after your dd once a week for however long that would be necessary as you would not be able to afford childcare, and your mum said yes of course. Then 3 weeks before your job starts your mum suddenly says that she wants to be paid as much as nursery, then I am full of sympathy for you and you ANBU.

However, from some of the things you have said, "two way street", "I am doing her a favour", I am wondering whether the conversation may have been more like "if you want to see your granddaughter you need to provide childcare, if you don't provide free childcare you don't get to see your granddaughter". If that is the case you ABVU.

Also if you were to move abroad does your dd's dad have any say in this?

Op, I'm answering your first post because I suspect, from the high volume, that you've come in for a lot of aggressive accusations of taking advantage and being entitled.

Your mum should not expect to be paid the same as professional childcarers. If she does, you are entitled to expect a professional service from her - registration, following Government requirements, facilities, training: the works. Will she do that? I bet she won't.

As a childminder, I often take on children whose grandparents volunteer to care for the child once a week. Sadly, the majority end up having to book that extra day with me later on because the grandparents repeatedly let them down, disappear on holiday with little or no notice, decide they're off for the day - whatever.
If your mother is pulling this little stunt on you now, thank your stars you found out before you start work and do not rely on her for your childcare.

You should be getting money off the child's father. Not relevant how much money your mum has.