to ask my mum to look after my DC for one day a week for free?

[slowginny]

I'm about to go back to work full time and have arranged childcare for my DD so mum has her one day a week, my dad has her another and she goes into nursery for the other three days a week. I'm a single mum without maintenance from my DD's dad so the money's a bit thin on the ground. My new job doesn't pay especially well but it will be good for me get back to work (although in my heart I'd rather stay at home with DD!).

Just three weeks before I'm due to start, Mum's asked me to pay her what I would pay the nursery on the day she has her. I'm reluctant to do this, partly because I don't want to set a precedent for paying her every time she has my daughter (including the odd bit of babysitting) but also because mum's not exactly short of a bob or two and is retired.

I've spoken to my dad (parents are divorced) to see if he'd like paying and his response was unequivocally no! Indeed he thought it a pleasure to be able to see his only granddaughter on a regular basis.

Am I being a cow for not wanting to pay her? This is the only grandchild they have and she is a wonderful little girl and very little trouble to have around. I kind of think she should be biting my hand off!

Oh dear, OP - cringing a little bit for you, re your last post. :-////

I read that as the OP saying she would be prepared to drop everything if her parents needed her, which is why she opted to stay in the UK close to her parents rather than move overseas like her siblings. I suspect she is feeling aggrieved that her mother doesn't appreciate that she has made that choice.

My parents didn't offer childcare, nor did I ever expect it of them. However if they had told me that they couldn't wait to look after my children - "for years she's been telling me how much she wanted GC and how she planned to look after them and help out" I would feel pretty gutted if they then turned around and asked for money they really didn't need at a point when I'd made arrangements that made that very difficult.

I wonder if there has been a lot of miscommunication and unspoken expectations perhaps? I'm wondering if there is some other issue going on in the background.

So.... You're only going to earn 21k in this job... But you also have job offers from Africa and Asia... Hm I'm also cringing for the op since that last post; and my troll detector lights are flashing!!

I don't believe a word of the Africa and Asia job offers. If the rest of your post is true- that you're now going to throw an almighty strop and tell Granny she can't see her grandchild at weekends Because she won't be an unpaid childminder- then seriously, listen to yourself, you sound like an immature 12 yr old. You even criticise the rest of your family for being scattered across the globe- erm, isnt that what you were planning to do when you applied for those jobs in Africa and asia?!

Finally- if this isn't a wind up , stop for a moment and think about the fact that your child is the most important person here. If you are seriously planning to use her as a pawn in a tit for tat stand off with her grandmother then be aware that makes you a terrible mother.

P.s you had job offers from Africa and Asia! Not just that you applied for the jobs, but you must have been interviewed and offered the jobs! So- you were obviously all set up to move away, sort and pay for your own childcare and carve out your own adult life. So why not do that now? There's nothing wrong with it- it's what grown ups do. You seem intent on convincing yourself that it's your mum who will lose out. She clearly doesn't feel she will. Not all parents are selfish in wanting to keep their grown up kids within a 5 mile radius. I'd be delighted for them if one of my kids ended up getting a dream job abroad, if that was what they desired. Honestly- live your own life and your child will grow up with a healthy respect for you AND the wider family. Use her has a pawn in a game of 'you childmind for me and then I'll allow you access' and she'll end up resenting the lot of you.

I look forward to being a grandmother and looking after and helping out with my grandchildren.

But I don't intend to cover childcare while my children earn money - that will be their responsibility.

Why would anyone presume such a promise had been made? You can be a brilliant and very involved (and helpful) grandparent without ever intending to do free childcare.

ATIYL, I am not being paid to look after my own children. The way I see it, is that money needs to be earned and children need to be looked - my dh and I are a team, so it's division of labour. DH isn't paying me to look after my children - I don't get a wage. He's working, so I can look after our children. It's not really the same as being a cm for someone else.

The OP didn't ask for anything - she was offered this and now the mum has changed her mind - a fact you seem determined to ignore.

I agree that it would be exploitative to demand full time child care,to refuse to help financially struggling parents by keeping all the profits from your work etc, but that is not what is happening here.

I have to say that if my mum said one minute, how involved she wanted to be etc, then, when I'd taken a job to facilitate that, she changed her mind and asked for payment (possibly as a way of getting out of the agreement she voluntarily made), it would alter how I felt about her.

If parents don't have a right to support from the GPs, when they are struggling (and that support has been offered, then withdrawn), then by the same token, GPs don't have a right to unfettered access to DGC, whenever it suits them. If my mum made me feel that my dc were a burden, to the point that she wouldn't help me once a week or wanted money, the same as if they were a stranger's kids, then in all honesty I wouldn't feel like indulging a desire to play the benevolent grandparent when it suited.

The number of grandparents I've seen complaining about this very sort of thing in the supermarket of a weekday is amazing. Right in front of their grandchildren with friends in the same situation and some who are not. They are often expected to do other errands like shopping, washing as well. Gratis, of course.I don't think it's how many of them envisioned spending their retirements. I also seriously doubt it would be just the one day with you either OP. You sound like a total user and no doubt, before long, you'd be needling at her that you could really save more effectively if she would only take on a few of the nursery days as well. You are not doing her any favours.

If my mum made me feel that my dc were a burden, to the point that she wouldn't help me once a week
you clearly have a great relationship with your mum, and it's lovely that she gives you so much support that you think a whole day of childcare a week is nothing.
I think that it's a bit unusual to feel so entitled to support that any refusal to help would be seen as implying that the kids are a burden.
People have other stuff to do in life than look after their grandchildren, it doesn't mean they don't love the children.

"If my mum made me feel that my dc were a burden, to the point that she wouldn't help me once a week or wanted money, the same as if they were a stranger's kids, then in all honesty I wouldn't feel like indulging a desire to play the benevolent grandparent when it suited."

Wow, I hope I don't raise a daughter as ungrateful, uncaring and selfish as you, then.

My mother is a fabulous, wonderful grandmother.

She sees her grandchildren, that she loves to bits and helps out with wonderfully, when it suits because she us a person in her own right, with her own life and she is entitled to continue to live that life regardless of her children having babies.

Saying you will help your children with their children is not a promise to do free childcare as they demand.

Oh, and just because your husband is doing the earning doesn't mean you aren't benefitting from it. Your family set up means you get the money that is earned while you mind the children.

Which a grandmother minding a child every week for free does not get.

How much money the grandmother has is irrelevant - her time is being commandeered by her very bossy and demanding daughter.

Why would anyone allow themselves to be treated that way?

Why would anyone who loved their parents expect that of them?

I just think all this talk of "rights" and "if the grandparents don't do xyz then by the same token they shouldn't expect unfettered access to the grandchildren" is bizarre and quite revolting. In a caring family, you don't score points, you don't play for tit for tat. You give freely if you choose to, and if people don't feel able to giving exactly what youd like them to, you simply respect that they have their reasons and don't hold a grudge

Spartafc, I think it's the asking for the same rate as the nursery fee that makes me think the OP's mum considers her DGC to be a burden. I'm honestly not saying it's nothing, more that it isn't a huge imposition imo. It's not everyday and it's not when the child is sick etc.

It's not (for me) as simple as saying that access to gc is dependent upon free child care - it's more about priorities. The OP's mum is saying that her freedom to do as she pleases, at all times, is her priority. That's her prerogative, but in turn, the OP will probably start to feel that seeing her mum, whenever her mum feels like it, is not her priority, any more.

I come from a family where we view ourselves as one unit, so it's odd for me that there are people who would not feel happy to help their kids out while they earn money. Mine would do it for me and I have happily shared my money, when my parents haven't had any. For me, it's just what families do.

ATIYL, my mum is very happy with our relationship. If you could ask her, she'd tell you that I am a good and supportive daughter.

That might be because she has made me want to be that way, by being a supportive mother herself.

Also in a loving family you care about your parents and what us best for them, not just what you can get out of them.

I still can't believe a man recovering from cancer is going to be doing a day a week of unpaid childcare for a toddler.

Even if he wants to spend that much time, it would be kinder to arrange childcare for that day and then give him the option of taking the girl out for the day if he felt up to it.

If he was tiring during the day he could decide to drop her off so he could rest.

No way would I be saving money at the possible expense of my Dad's health.

And some people are suggesting she should demand he does another day!

Karma, I think you're really lucky, honestly. Your family sounds very supportive and loving and no one can criticise that.
I still think a day a week is a lot, and who knows if the child would be sick on that day - I know my DS is extremely remiss in giving notice of impending sickness! Sometimes he just springs it on me
I agree re priorities, I just disagree that a grandparent should have to prioritise her children's children. I think we're responsible for our own children and can't expect someone else to take responsibility for their care.
Again, I think it is wonderful that so many grandparents do want to spend time with their grandchildren. I just wouldn't criticise anyone for not wanting to take on a bit commitment like this.

A good and supportive daughter as long as she does what you want...

Why should the OP see her mum when her Mum feels like it?

My family is very close, and we see each other by mutual arrangement. You know - like people who enjoy spending time together.

None of us feels the need to curtail another family member's freedom with onerous inflexible arrangements, because we know they will help when it is needed, if they can.

"it's not when the child is sick etc."

So the OP is going to take a day off from work every time her toddler is unwell?

Really?

Because what is far more likely is that the child will be with her grandmother every time she is sick - because nursery won't take her, and a man recovering from cancer probably shouldn't be looking after a sick toddler.

Back up childcare is invaluable, as well as flexible. If the OP wasn't so obsessed with saving money she would see that and arrange something more ad hoc with her mother.

A day a week, every sine week, is the kind if arrangement you pay for. Not offering to pay doesn't make it any less exactly like a job.

ATIYL, my mum isn't actually providing child care for me, yet I still help her out. The difference is knowing that she would prioritise helping me, if I needed it and she would stand by what she agreed to do. I think that's the key point in this OP - not so much the provision or not, of child care, more the promise of support, that's now been withdrawn in quite an underhand way.

The OP did say that she wouldn't expect her mum to look after the child when she is ill - you don't believe her, I choose to take her at her word.

Still, it's sorted now - OP is going to use the nursery and the GP will see the child when it suits both GP and OP, which may or may not be as much as either of them want. Time will tell.

In which post did the OP mention that her mum offered to do it?

The one on Sunday at 22.42, she said her mum volunteered for this.

A promise of support has not been withdrawn.

Sounds more like a promise of support was misconstrued as an offer to do free childcare.

What arrangements has the OP made for when the child is sick, I wonder?

If she hasn't gone back to work yet she might not be prepared for how stressful and problematic that can be.

She'd be foolish to start her campaign of passive-aggressive retribution against her mother too early.

Can you really not see any fault on the part of her mother in asking to be paid the nursery rate, to look after the dgc that she volunteered to look after?Especially having watched her dd take a lower paid job so she could live close by, which is what the granny claimed to want?

I don't think the majority of Mumsnetters have actually read the whole of ops thread!! As they all banging on about not expecting grandparents to babysit for free!! Grandmother OFFERED then changed her mind!! (which is not on).
The Gm has just inherited 250k in somehow dont think she needs anymore money does she???(obviously asking the for the going rate is an EXCUSE)
Poor op must be sick off being bitched at

Well, if she offered to do the one day a week for free and is now backing away from that, that is wrong because she is going back on her word and has not given the OP the opportunity to make other arrangements. If she had volunteered to provide some occasional care on a casual basis, that is a very different thing altogether and she would be wrong to expect payment. Perhaps it's just a misunderstanding as to what was meant by the care? I'd try to clear that up with her first. It is a little strange to ask for as much as the nursery would be getting but perhaps she is concerned the actual hours expected of her would be a lot more than that.

Well I thought that I had read the thread, but genuinely missed that the mother volunteered tbh.

Not sure what OPs mother´s money has to do with anything.

I think she is cheeky asking nursery rate, but also don´t see why she should cm for nothing.