To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

YABU
That is a ridiculous and spiteful threat. His lying is a big issue of course but you cannot blackmail him by threatening not to allow him to be at the birth of your baby. You need to separate the issues.

YABU!!! It is hard to stop smoking - you can only stop if YOU want to, not because others want you to.

You would really make him miss the birth of his baby because he smokes?? That is really petty. It cant be just smoking destroying your relationship, there must be more to it that that! If it is just the smoking then obv your relationship wasnt that good to start with.

These threads are like buses

I just can't seperate the issues

I think you should let him in for the birth.

How will you explain his absence to your little one in years to come?

The smoking is a different matter. It is really hard to stop and is a realy addiction (speaking as an ex smoker myself)

I don't see that it is a threat or blackmail though. I told him that he wasn't welcome if he smoked again and he made the decision to smoke. It was his choice, to my mind.

YABU. It's his baby too.
You can ask him not to smoke in the house, and ask him not to smoke near the children, but he is an adult, he is their parent, and it is his home and his family. About the only thing you can do is leave and attempt to take the children with you. You cannot force him to stop, you cannot bar him from his own home (unless of course everything is in your name and yours is the sole financial contribution to the property and everything else) and you cannot deny him access to his children unless you are prepared to go to court and fight him over it.
Are you prepared to raise four children alone? And fight him through the courts to do so? That is what this is about to boil down to, if you persist in attempting to bar him in this way.

I think you are being unfair. The lying and relapsing is a big deal, but the birth of a child is a massive, and quite different deal. I just can't see how this is a fair or appropriate sanction.

Was he there for DCs1-3? How will DC4 feel at being told "Oh, your father wasn't at your birth. I banned him because I was angry with him for smoking'.

How will it affect the father/child bond if DC4 is used as a pawn in a smoking power struggle for the first few days of its life?

well quite frankly i wouldn't want someone stinking of cigarette smoke round my newborn baby either

not sure if it's unreasonable or not... but i can totally understand why you feel like this,.
maybe if you talk to him and say that you feel like not letting him be with you (and quite frankly it is totally upt o you who you have present at the birth) then he will start to realise how strongly you feel about this

Hmm. I think you could say that if he turns up at the hospital stinking of cigarettes, then you will not want him to be there with you, as the smell makes you nauseous. If he then chooses to smoke, well he's made his choice.

I do think though, that if you start telling midwives he is banned from the hospital etc, you will irreparably damage your relationship and I don't think you will ever come back from that tbh.

It is not unreasonable to insist that he doesn't smoke in the house at all and that he washes and changes his clothes before handling the baby.

YABU

I understand your concerns - you don't want a newborn baby being held by someone who reeks of smoke. Many many people would agree with you on that.

You hate the lying - again no complaints there

HOWEVER you have chosen to have another child with this man, despite the lies etc, therefore forbidding him to come to the birth seems a little like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. DO you also plan on letting him have nothing to do with the baby once you are home?

You cannot use this as a bargaining chip - it should have been sorted out before.

YABU

You will make things worse not better by carrying out such a horrible threat.

Defo hormone overload I think.

yabu. sweet fucking jesus

horrible thread

YABU.

I think you have built up the smoking to such an extent in your mind that it is taking over to an unhealthy degree.

My H smokes too, he has given up in the past. It helped to kill his lovely mum. I have seen a loved one die of lung cancer. He wakes up coughing and tells me he will try to stop. But there is no way i would ever stop him from coming to his own child's birth.

I get the feeling this goes deeper than cigarettes as you just sound very anxious.

There's always the chance that a very zealous for want of a better word midwife will think there's something wrong when you ask that your husband and father of your baby be banned from the hospital, and you could end up with some intrusion afterwards. If they think you're a victim of DV or worried about the safety of the children for example. It's not really "ordinary" for a loving couple who are having a baby, that the mother wants the father prevented from attending. It's a warning sign (speaking very generally) - is that the impression you want to give all the HCPs?

I do feel like it is coming to a point where our marriage could end over this. his continued smoking has become such a massive issue for me. I would not deny him access to the children (I just don't want him near me whilst I am in labour and giving birth). I just can't bear to be around someone who lies to me all the time and keeps breaking promise after promise.

you are using your unborn child as a weapon to hurt him.

if he is reeking of smoke on the day you go into labour then i think it would be reasonable to tell him to shower and change before joining you in the labour ward but telling him now that if he smokes again he cant see his child being born? sorry but i dont think you are being reasonable at all. this is his baby, he should not have to jump through your hoops in order to be there for it's arrival in the world.

the smoking and lying are not related to the baby's birth. dont use your baby as a weapon. deal with these issues properly like an adult

YABU and a bit bonkers although it doesn't sound like he's a heavy smoker (you said maybe 4 days a week) so could you ask that he refrain from nipping out whilst you are in labour and after the baby is born?

YABU

It is extremely difficult to quit smoking and the smoker has to want to do it for themselves.

Your dh will not contaminate your child. Do you plan on sealing it in an oxygen rich, purified environment or actually going out where there's traffic? As long as your dh doesn't smoke indoors, in the car or breathe directly onto the baby after he's had a cigarette then your baby will be fine.

I am strongly anti smoking where there's children, but you are going overboard and you will only succeed in alienating him further. You cannot brow beat or blackmail him into stopping.

People who are not smokers simply don't understand