To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

Actually YANBU at all. It's your body, he can see the baby afterwards, and it's entirely your choice who gets to spend a very vulnerable and emotional time with you. Just because you married him and he deposited sperm in you doesn't mean he gets to treat you as part of his body, you wouldn't be allowed in if he was having an operation either. People present at a birth are there at the invitation of the woman giving birth, whether or not they might be biologically related in some way to the baby being born. And anyway, it's not that long since no men got to be present at births at all and the older MNers tend to deny things having done them any harm, so presumably not having a father present at the birth harms neither baby nor father.

Oh gosh there are a lot of harshness directed at the OP here. Maybe they are all smokers

I think this goes much deeper than banning H from the delivery room OP. If you feel such resentment and anger do you want to carry on being married to him? That's the question I would be asking.

But it doesn't sound as if he does smoke around his DC...

In years to come I will tell dc4 that H and I had 'trust' issues in our marriage at the time of his birth and I did not feel comfortable or supported by him being with me during labour.

I accept that you all think I am being unreasonable. I honestly don't know how I can move past it though. I just go upstairs to bed when I realise he stinks of smoke. If I don't want to be around him on a normal evening then I really don't think I will want to be around him when I am in pain and distress . I love him in every other respect. The smoking and lying is just something I can't get past. I think it is based in the fact that I am sure that it will kill him. I don't want him to die and I am struggling to cope with the fact that he is choosing to do something that is so reckless - after all 1 in 3 smokers get cancer. I feel he is being so selfish.

Well I think this is less about the smoking and more about the lying.

The smoking has just become a symbol of the lying.

But then he is only lying about the smoking because you are ordering him to do something he isn't willing to do.

I'd think long and hard before 'banning' him from the birth because once it's done, there will be no taking that back no matter how much you regret it.

You may find that whilst you 'think' him smoking is the final straw, for him banning him will be and will mean the end of your relationship.

i'm not a smoker quick but i still think she is being very UR.

*Well to be honest he probably lies about it because you make such a big deal about it. Maybe if you were more supportive and helpful if he tries to give up and work as a team it may actually help. Giving up smoking is bloody hard to do and not helped if someone is nagging in your earhole the whole time.

He cant just give up because you have given him a choice...it's an addiction that needs to be broken! Do you not understand that?*

What Betty said with bells on. And to be honest, the more you put pressure on him, the more he will want to smoke. As I tried and failed to give up smoker myself (who is about to have another go), the reason he lies is because , apart have to listen to you, he feels bad because he succumbed again.

I cannot believe that you are even considering banning him from the birth.I think this is the most horrible thing I have ever ever read on MN.

Sorry OP-if you are willing to throw away your marriage on this, then tbh,you don't deserve him.

Good luck with single parenthood-cos its not all that and a bag of chips.

No amount of threatening or blackmail will make him want to quit. It will only make him more stressed and resentful, which will lead to more smoking You can only quit when you're in the right frame of mind. I used to have sneaky cigs behind my dh's back. It was only when I came out and was honest about my smoking that I actually felt like I wanted to quit. Whilst you're lying about it and hiding your actions you don't want to give up.

The OP is totally shooting herself in the foot here, if only she'd realise it.

QLB Im a non smoker, I dont really like it but I wouldnt stop a Dad being at the birth of his 4th child.

OP cant have minded the cigarette smoke when she was being sausaged

OMG... please stop! YABVVVU to imagine that it is your palce to stop the father of your unborn child attending the birth because he isnt bowing down to what you deem to be acceptable.... You can say: he cant smoke in the house, he cant do it in front of the children, its not OK for him to feed or let the newborn sleep on him if he smells of smoke as all of these can be detrimental to your childrens health and wellbeing. if you were totally skint and he was spending babies milk money on fags again you would have a point. But seriously, if you are with a man for almost a decade who has smoked occassionally throughout this time, then your ar being unreasonable.

It is not OK to use your child this way beacuse your husband isnt doing what you want.

TBH I think it is exceptionally foolish to jeopadrise your relationship with DH and therefore potentially put all 4 DC through stress and trauma becuase of a few cigarettes?! You are making this into something far far bigger than it needs to be.

He is an adult in his own right. He can deide for himself and you can not like it is he decides to smoke but you most certsainly CANNOT blackmail him to stop, by threatending to not let him be at the birth of his child. Huegly spiteful and mean. Any moral high ground you may have had over him lying to you will be lost in an instant if you continue in this v foolish manner.

In years to come I will tell dc4 that H and I had 'trust' issues in our marriage at the time of his birth and I did not feel comfortable or supported by him being with me during labour.

Will you?
That's nice of you.

OP you can't stop your DH telling the child the truth even if you dont want to. i think the fact that you wont tell the child that you refused daddy access to see him/her being born because he smoked tells us all that you know it's a petty excuse.

Everlong - thank you. You have expressed what I am trying to say. All the lies feel like cheating, iykwim. He looks me in the eyes and lies to me and that hurts

So it really is just the smoking then?

Seriously do the guy a favour and end it.

But, how do you react if he tells you calmly and honestly that he has smoked?

Lying about smoking is hardly on a par with lying about having another woman or using all the household money to gamble with is it? Yes, smoking is bad, but there are worse things.

As for the health issues, that's his decision. Aggressive prostate cancer runs in my dh's family and dh is at increased risk, but no amount of nagging him will make him see his gp for regular checkups. I could tear my hair out with worry because my first dh died of cancer, but he has to make the decision for himself.

OP he lies because he probably knows you'd do something really really nasty and over the top dramatic like stop him from being at the birth of his child.

God some people replys are DISGUSTING!!! You know who you are! Who the he'll do you think you are!!! You don't know this women !! She's is 9months preg and at the end of her tether!!! She is constantly lied to by her dh and is upset so going to extreme measure!! Yes she is in the wrong but so are your shitty coments!!

OP I think you no this isn't right. I think you no that this is going to harm your relationship in a BIG way if you go through with this. Would you forgive someone if the roles were reversed? Hrs having a rough time giving up, that does not give him an excuse to lie to you altho maybe he's feels crap enough for failing yet again and doesn't want a fight with you on top of if.

Please rethinks this op

whats with all the smoking threads just now? jeez they are cocking everywhere.

OP I am with team pictish on this too and this. I find it very controlling. When I stopped smoking, I had at that time been smoking for more than half of my life and it was incredibly difficult to do. Also for all you frothers out there who love to shout bad mother, I smoked throughout 3 of my 4 pregnancies. DH still smokes and I dont like it. I dont like the smell, I dont like the taste on his mouth after he has one. But I would NEVER use his children against him to make him stop. He will stop when he is good and ready.

Leave the poor bastard alone.