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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

397 replies

Upsetme · 07/03/2012 12:58

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

OP posts:
BigGirlInASmallWorld · 08/03/2012 18:26

Or possibly how you feel about yourself. Good luck :)

PeanutButterCupCake · 08/03/2012 18:31

YABVU....I know ops gone!

Made the baby on your own, eh?

It's his child too.

Do what you like about your marriage but you're totally wrong to keep him away from the birth.

LunaLunatic · 08/03/2012 20:53

I'm just amazed that it's taken you 8 years and 4 kids with this man to decide that you won't put up with smoking in a relationship. It really is quite odd. Oh and I would agree that your totally unsupportive attitude will just stress him out more and make him smoke more. Plus he's probably quite resentful that he's essentially been used as a sperm donor but you don't respect him enough to actually let him see your baby after it's born, or even treat him like the grown adult he is. Honestly OP I hope you talk to someone in your life about this and that they make you see sense

herethereandeverywhere · 08/03/2012 22:00

Diotma hilarious. You'd rather tolerate/defend/suffer at the hands of a cancer causing drug than listen to and try to understand an opposing opinion? Wow. Words fail me.

Greenshirt · 08/03/2012 22:38

Good grief! If I was a midwife and the mother to be told me that her husband stressed her out so much that she didn't want him at the birth,my eyebrows would be so high I could backcomb them into a mohican.

HavePatience · 09/03/2012 14:46

So sensitive, Green Hmm what if they are having a rough time and about to divorce or the 'h' is abusive and the woman hasn't gathered the strength to leave...so many scenarios. And you'd just raise your eyebrows high. Nice.

belgo · 09/03/2012 15:13

Greenshirt let's hope you never become a midwife.

diotima · 09/03/2012 18:00

herethereandeverywhere It wasn't the opposing opinion, it was the manner in which the opinion was framed and expressed. There is a balance between preserving individual autonomy, integrity and volition and constraining these things. The manner in which you expressed yourself gave no recognition of this - indeed it didn't seem to allow such a conflict was be possible. However, it is possible and that's why I objected. You may not see this. Some people don't and that always gives me the creeps. I have my sensitivities and you have yours. You may not see how that can be possible, but it is.

I think the cot death comments and similar are VU. The dangers arise from inhalation of environmental tobacco smoke. I don't think there's any suggestion that will happen, so the comments are unhelpful at best and mischievous at worst. Best to deal with the problem as it exists, rather than as it doesn't.

Incidentally, my father died of smoking-related cancer, which was a very great loss to me. I wouldn't have dreamt of imposing a prohibition on him. I had no issues with him whatsoever when he passed away - not one. Nor did my mother. She's fine and so am I. It's the living who are troublesome to us, not the dead, and most are much more so than my father ever was.

Greenshirt · 10/03/2012 00:29

Oh dear SOH failure.

MeltedChocolate · 10/03/2012 00:58

Wow, you really are a horrible person.

Moominsarescary · 10/03/2012 01:13

Not as horrible as someone who wants to stop their husband from seeing his child be born because he smokes and after four children she has decided she doesn't want him to.

Also a women in a violent relationship who hasn't yet had the courage to leave is unlikely to find it to ban the husband from the birth, allthogh that is irrelevant as it's not what the op is about

Greenshirt · 10/03/2012 02:11

Melted-was that comment aimed at me? I certainly fucking hope not!

Moominsarescary · 10/03/2012 02:31

Maybe it was aimed at the op

HavePatience · 10/03/2012 18:56

Wait, greenshirt - did I misinterpret your post? Apologies if I did...

MeltedChocolate · 10/03/2012 19:33

Fear not, was aimed at OP.

Liz79 · 10/03/2012 22:02

I think there are reasons aside from smoking why op doesn't want h at the birth. No woman should have to have their partner "d" or otherwise at the birth if they think they would feel uncomfortable with that persons presence. Birth partners should be someone the mother is comfortable with & who can support her. Some people may have a fantastic relationship but he isn't the man for that job so friend/mum/sister whoever might step up. The fact its his child is bollocks, that doesn't give him any rights to be in the delivery room if the mother doesn't want him to be.

Moominsarescary · 10/03/2012 23:31

Will never understand it , the most fantastic moment of your life. Giving birth to your baby, yet you don't want the father present even though you've been with him for years and allready have three children.

How Many women would like it if the tables were turned and they were not aloud to be there for the birth of their child?

ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood · 11/03/2012 08:44

The only way that would be possible really Moomin is if a woman/couple were using a surrogate, and I would absolutely support the surrogate to have a birth partner of her choosing and not the parents should that be her choice. No-one has the right to be at the birth of a baby, anyone who is there is there to support the woman giving birth. If the OP feels unsupported by her husband for whatever reason then it is absolutely her right to choose a more supportive birth partner.

HavePatience · 11/03/2012 09:33

Spot on, thisis. I am so Hmm at people suggesting a woman should be told who can or cannot be at the birth.

Greenshirt · 11/03/2012 19:00

Melted-so sorry for the sharp language,I'd been up waaaay too long[see post time].Once again many apologies,I just tried to brighten a pretty intense thread with my eyebrows post.

HavePatience · 11/03/2012 19:58

Ah, ok green shirt. Sorry I didn't realise it was humour Blush
I'm glad you would be sensitive to women in unstable relationships who are uncomfortable with their dh while in labour.

LadyBeagleEyes · 11/03/2012 21:17

I don't believe a word of this.

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