To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

of course constant lying could be a deal breaker but your not seeing the wider point. OP has suddenly decided she will not tolerate smoking anymore. She is immovable on this and DH doesnt seem to see what the issue is / doesnt want to stop. So he is lying as he obviously cant stand the drama about having the occassional cigarette. He shouldnt do it but OP cant see that her slightly irrational behaviour is contributing to his fibbing in the first palce!

Well WHY should he give up smoking just because you want him to?

If he doesn't smoke in the house, or near you or the children, then what's it got to do with you? He's a big boy and responsible for his own actions.

Yes smoking is deeply unpleasant and has associated financial, social and health consequences but when it boils down to it he's a grown up and can CHOOSE whether he wishes to smoke or not.

My DH smokes, always has done. I hate it (and I used to smoke myself!) but as long as he doesn't do it near me or our children it's up to him. He knows I'd like him to quit and I will support him every step of the way but I can't make him quit.

OK his lying about it isn't ideal but if you go on about it and turn it into a major deal then he may find it easier to just deny it and pretend it's a non-issue.

I would guess this goes deeper than just the smoking though.

Kayzr - I understand where you are coming from and believe me I have tried talking to him about this. He knows I am scared that he will get lung cancer. He also knows how upset I am and how much the smoking/lying cycle is damaging our marriage.

To everyone who keeps saying that he will get access to the children etc. I fully accept this and have stated upthread that I would never try to stop him from seeing them. The issue is between me and him.

Agree whereyouleftit

I'm sure he'll get over not being there at the birth, it might make him THINK about what he is doing to his poor wife by lying constantly.

And going by the OPs comments about the state of their marriage he'll be missing out on a lot more than the baby's birth, if he doesn't give up pretty soon.

er, ringing someone's doctor behind their back and getting their child to lie to them (pretending tehy were at the doctor for a cold??) is a bit more than planting the seed. but hey. lets answer lying with more lying, that's mature.

Everlong - no its not ok, but as I have said OP knew this about him, and didnt care about the smoking when he poked her.

A DH lying to his missus about a few cigs because he must know she would use his children against him is not on the same scale as cheating or stealing. HTH

Would you want him at the birth if he didn't smell of smoke on the day?

If so, then you need to tell him that you want him to be present at the birth but he needs to shower/wear smoke free clothes/have fresh breath to accompany you and he can wear patches/whatever his usual method of coping without cigarettes is for the day and whilst he's visiting you and the baby. Tell him that the smell makes you naucious and that you are concerned about SIDS. You understand that giving up smoking is hard and you can deal with that but that his lies about not smoking are destroying your trust in him.

If not, then you need to seriously consider whether you want to remain in this relationship.

It does seem petty to make the decision now that if he doesn't give up today then he can't see the baby being born. On the other hand, I don't see why you need to have him there if he makes you feel uncomfortable at a time when you will need to concentrate on birthing your baby.

Be aware that your hormones are on 'trying to protect your unborn/new baby' overdrive. Your mind/nose has identified the threat - cigerette smoke - and wishes to eliminate it. Try to think about how you feel about his smoking when you are not pregnant. It's annoying, but is it something you want to end your relationship over?

I hate smoke too, and I don't want it anywhere near my baby either, so I think I understand how you feel. But he has had this behaviour for years and your sudden intolerance for it will seem unreasonable to him and to lots of mumsnetters can you see that?

It is hurtful when someone you love does something damaging to their health. My DH is wonderful, but he's also diabetic and still eats loads of chocolate. Try and make sure that when you approach the topic you do let him know that you are concerned about him as well as the children and yourself.

"I would never try to stop him from seeing them"
except for when they're just born of course.

loie - I have not suddenly decided that I will no longer tolerate smoking. I made that clear 8 years ago (when we decided to have children). At the moment he is smoking more than he has at any other point in that 8 years since he 'gave up'.

I think it's your decision who you have to support you during labour and birth. Having someone around you that you can't stand would interfere with the release of oxytocin. I also think it's not about the smoking anymore, it's the lying and lack of respect.

I also think that everyone is being somewhat harsh - if it was drink or a different addiction then the responses would be very different and no one would force you to have a perpetrator of emotional abuse at the birth.

Do you have a history of issuing ultimatums? Does he believe you?

"poked", "sausaged" my what a delightful turn of phrase you have hellboy.

You horrible people. Why should she be grateful to have a husband (even a liar)? Why should she be grateful he doesn't beat her ("only" lies)? Good heavens. I am finding this thread very upsetting. I can't imagine having a filling with someone I didn't fully trust in the room, let alone giving birth. Being put in such a vulnerable and humiliating position in front of someone who has consistently treated you like a fool and abused your trust - ugh. It is a privilege to be present at a birth. Not a right.
I hope you are all just getting carried away and venting some - I don't know what, venting some misplaced outrage or something. Because honestly, this is really upsetting me and I am not even pregnant.

YANBU to want someone who you feel comfortable with and supported by at the birth of your child. A woman has the right to have an abortion without the father having any input, don't see why he automatically gets rights when the woman is doing something as emotionally and physically draining as pushing a baby out of her! This doesn't even have to have anything to do with smoking/lying specifically, anyone has the right to choose someone they feel happy with.

YABU to be using this as a weapon, which is what you are doing. He has always smoked, you knew this, and your bargaining point was before you got pregnant when you should have decided whether or not you wanted to bring another child into this relationship you were not sure about.

All you lot who are comparing this to alcoholism/ drug addiction/ eating disorders, YABU. Anyone would be within their rights to say to an addict of any kind, 'Get HELP to stop what you are doing, accept that it is destructive and make the choice or I will leave'. This is what the OP is saying, as far as I can see. He is choosing not to give up by choosing not to even explore help available.

If you are going to split, split. Don't hold this over him as it will be destructive for both of you.

Those saying she has the right to choose who is with her in labour are of course right BUT the op states
i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.
Therefore she is going deny him access to the child until she goes home at the very least. Surely he has rights to see HIS child? I do not feel she is right on either because of her reasons, but I definitely think she is wrong to deny him the chance to meet his child after the birth. They have the right to bond too you know!

It's not that he will get access to the children that people are really telling you about. They're telling you that you're giving up 50% of all your children's time until they're 18.

That's an awful lot of time to give up of your child's life. You'll miss every other Christmas with them, every other birthday. You won't always be there to pick them up from school, to celebrate or commisserate with them on all the things they'll encounter as they grow up. Another woman may well arrive to be stepmum to them. This can work, of course it can. But it can't have been what you were hoping for when you conceived 4 children with this man.

Now, if you can't bear to live with him then fair enough. But just be really aware of the price that you're all going to pay.

Upsetme - I don't know if this would work but could you make a doctors appointment and get him to go with you and then tell dr about the smoking? Underhand I know but it might work.

Would your marriage be good if he didn't smoke and lie?

I do feel for your DH as I have given up smoking in the last year and it was bloody hard and I did have a few sneaky fags and blamed smell on friends smoking but at the same time it must feel awful knowing that he is lying to you.

Thank you for the few supportive posts. It means a lot x

Hobnobs - I know, its great to be able to use those words on MN

Nah makes you sound like a bit of a twat actually.

Are you well OP?

Upsetme, I am going to leave this thread because I don't want to think that a majority of other mothers are hatchet-faced vindictive people who think women are lucky to be with men who don't beat them, etc. But very best of luck to you. Do what is right for you and your kids and don't worry about this lot. Best of luck