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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

397 replies

Upsetme · 07/03/2012 12:58

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

OP posts:
Loie159 · 07/03/2012 13:46

Everlong - yes lying is lying. But.... This man is NOT having an affair, not is he stealing eh kids money to jack up. its a cigarette. I do not smoke and havent for about 15 years so that doesnt affect my judegement of this situation thanks.

I dont think anyone thinks its OK for a DH to lie. I dont think anyone minds that she minds that he smokes and it upsets her. The reason people are shocked is becuase she is actually going to prevent him from watching his child be born becuase of what is essentially in the grand scheme of "betryal" quite petty.

Clytaemnestra · 07/03/2012 13:46

"My mind is made up on the birth bit. Whether our marriage survives I don't know. I also know that I am not at all happy at the moment."

If you want to break up with him, do it.
If you genuinely, as you say, love everything about him except the smoking then I think you're a fool but it's your choice to make. You shouldn't stay with someone you don't want to be with.

Just make sure that when he has a new partner, and they're happy and maybe have another gorgeous baby of their own, and you're sending off your children for access visits and family holidays with his new family, that you'll be able to sit there on your own and think you definitely made the right decision.

And be aware that if you ban him from the birth for this, then he might take the decision about breaking up out of your hands.

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/03/2012 13:47

I'm a bit taken aback by the vehemence surrounding the OP's husband's "right" to attend the birth. Not so long ago a new father's place was in the waiting room (ironically, with a cigar in his top pocket ready to light on a successful delivery Grin. Ahh, times change ... ). In may countries/societies, a birth is an all-female event.

So really - a right?

pictish · 07/03/2012 13:47

So are you going to tell the midwives the truth then?

"My husband isn't here, as I banned him from the birth, because he has failed to give up smoking."

Or will you lie?

Original poster
Upsetme · 07/03/2012 13:47

Debsbear, you are right. It is something of a 'last resort'. I can't cope with his smoking and lying anymore. It is upsetting me all the time and spend alot of my time alone because of it.

OP posts:
everlong · 07/03/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/03/2012 13:48

Any addiction affects more than one person - thinking it doesnt is very blinkered! I shouldnt imagine it is much fun being the child of someone with an eating disorder and I should imagine it can impact hugely on family life!

ANy addiction is hard to break and if the addicted person doesnt want to give up then they wont be able to.

titchy · 07/03/2012 13:48

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WorraLiberty · 07/03/2012 13:48

Just make sure that when he has a new partner, and they're happy and maybe have another gorgeous baby of their own, and you're sending off your children for access visits and family holidays with his new family, that you'll be able to sit there on your own and think you definitely made the right decision

It could well be the OP having access visits to her children

Courts are very slowly digging themselves out of the dark ages and aren't quite as sexist as they were when it comes to granting custody.

altinkum · 07/03/2012 13:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Upsetme · 07/03/2012 13:49

pictish - I will tell the truth, that our marriage is on the verge of breaking down and I do not feel comfortable with him being there.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 07/03/2012 13:49

I think that ultimately it's ALWAYS the decision of the labouring woman to decide who is with her when she has her baby. Whoever she does or doesn't want to be in that room with her at that moment is her choice, regardless of her reason.

No-one else has a right to be in there with her.

However if your only reason is to 'punish' him for not stopping smoking, and you think he's fab in every other way, then I feel you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. It's your call, but this is one of the rare occasions where I think it's the wrong call to banish someone from the delivery room.

Hellboy · 07/03/2012 13:49

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everlong · 07/03/2012 13:49

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IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 13:49

OP you realise if your husband leaves you the children will get contact rights and he will be able to reek of smoke while he is with them. he can even smoke in his own home and then have the children over.

mayorquimby · 07/03/2012 13:50

"around my newborn baby"

jesus wept.
unbelievably out of line with trying to threaten him with not allowing him to see HIS child (seems you forgot it's his too) before they're even born.

Kayzr · 07/03/2012 13:50

I think you are and aren't being unreasonable

You need to sit down and have a good honest chat with your DH. You need to tell him that you need him to go and see a doctor or a nurse to get help with his smoking. Explain to him that you love him and that you don't want him to get ill. Then tell him that the lying is causing a rift in your marriage and that you do not want him at the birth.

It seems that the lying is worse than the actual smoking from what you have posted.

I think it would be very very very unfair on him if he couldn't go to the birth of your baby. You knew he smoked when you decided to have 4 children with him.

hiddenhome · 07/03/2012 13:50

You've brought four children into the world and not you realise you can't take it anymore? Hmm

I think you're irresponsible. He's being irresponsible by smoking and you're being irresponsible by breaking up a marriage with four children in it.

I'd hate to see how you'd cope with a real addiction problem such as heavy drinking. Living with an alcoholic is loads of fun I can tell you Hmm

ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 13:51

Well I can understand where the OP is coming from. I'm not saying you're right to ban him from the birth but I can see why you're so upset.

You seem to understand that its an addiction but he doesn't do anything to help himself and lies to your face about doing this. It is the lies that would get to me more than the smoking.

When you are in labour you need to be with someone who you feel supports you and you can trust, I can see how it is difficult to trust someone who lies so openly to you.

If this was about alcohol or any other type of drug everyone would be sympathising with you.

Loie159 · 07/03/2012 13:51

Its not OK to lie.... but is it a deal breaker?

Upsetme has just admitted that marriage is on the verge of breakdown so evidently there is more to this than a cheeky fag!

ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 13:52

I also think that you're obviously very emotional right now and think you need to speak to someone in RL. Maybe you could see the doctor or go see the doctor together.

He will also need your support in kicking this.

ifeelloved · 07/03/2012 13:52

Consistant lying would be a deal breaker for me.

Want2bSupermum · 07/03/2012 13:53

Hey OP - I kinda know where you are coming from with the smoking. I used to be a smoker myself and gave up when DH and I got married. DH thinks I gave up for him but the real reason is because I didn't want my DC's to grow up around 2nd hand smoke. DH hated that I smoked.

It sounds like you are using the birth of your child as a tool to punish your DH. I think it is terrible that he has lied to you and not stopped smoking. I also think I would approach things a little differently. As the 'you must stop smoking' route hasn't worked and this is a health issue affecting your relationship and your children I would go along with the guilt trip..... 'DC1 has another cold and when I took them to the DR they asked if they were exposed to cigarette smoke in the home' - or something along those lines. 'I didn't know what to say.' The next thing to do is call his dr and explain what is going on - yes do it behind his back. I did this with DH when he refused to go on a diet and cut back on his drinking. The Dr did a great job of scaring the crap out of him (Dr was silent for a few moments after I told him I counted beer bottles from 1 week and the total was more than 60) and he cut back on his drinking.

I find planting the seed works well with my DH, and if it doesn't and the consequences are great, I use guilt. I do not use sex or our DD directly when trying to get my point accross way with DH because I know I ultimately lose.

CalamityKate · 07/03/2012 13:54

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Petunia12 · 07/03/2012 13:54

Give him a break for goodness sake! There's not a smoker living that doesn't wish he/she had never, ever taken smoking up. The only thing keeping smokers puffing away is fear.

It sounds as if he doesn't 'blow it in your face' any way.. How about you let him in on the birth of the son/daughter he had a small input in, perhaps he might be so overcome with the wonder of it all it might just be the spur to get the help he needs to stop.

You need this man? If after everything he decides to carry on discretely smoking, respect him for that too. Don't be so cruel and judgemental.

Hope all goes well and mother and baby both arrive safe and sound.