To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

I don't think anyone has said the OP can do as she likes. I have said I think she has been U.

I can understand how she's feeling though, even if it is irrational. The responses on here to her have been beyond disgusting though, and yes cuntish.

Wow, Pictish, you are coming across as a really horrible, aggressive person on this thread (please note: not the same as saying you are a horrible, aggressive person).

And talk about dressing up your comparison 'fatty' story - nowhere did the OP say anything about finding her DH unattractive or embarrassing. But, you know, ham your version up for full effect, by all means...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?

OP - you sound like you're at the end of your tether and pretty desperate. I don't have any advice, but you sound like you're struggling, so just wanted to add an unaggressive post into the melee that is this thread.

Childbirth is not about the father's rights. It is about the needs of the mother and baby. At a time when a woman is likely to feel in pain, vulnerable, exhausted, and perhaps scared, she needs a birth partner who she knows will support her, and make the well-being of her and the baby the priority.

Clearly the issues around him lying about smoking are indicative of bigger problems in the marriage, as the OP has said. It's irrelevant whether we think the smoking and lying and repeated breaking of promises should affect how somebody feels about their partner - point is that the OP feels it is damaged the relationship so much that she doesn't trust him as her birth partner. I can see from the language used why this is being interpreted as spite, but to me the OP sounds like someone who doesn't know what to do to resolve the situation , is hurt, and is trying to protect herself from further hurt at a time when she really needs to be focussed on giving birth.

As for going home after leaving hospital - well, like most of us I would imagine that the OP doesn't have a selection of homes to choose from. Maybe it will turn out that this couple separate in the longer term - but the OP has no other choice at the moment about where she lives.

And , going back to the issue again, the OP has continued to have children with her husband because he kept making promises to her that she believed - why is it her fault he lied? He gave up repeatedly, she thought the issue was resolved , and with hindsight it isn't but she can't put the baby back.

I'm stunned at the level of bitchiness on this thread.

Well said, Inertia. I completely agree with every word of that post.

Yes I agree Inertia.

Having read the threads about Stacey Soloman smoking during pregnancy, and calls for her to lose her job and what a bad mother she is, it's incredible the amount of support that a smoking father still gets, despite all the lies and broken promises.

Oh and FWIW I don't think the OP is doing the right thing but I can understand why and really can see that sometimes people reach desperation.

Hobnob- I agree, and desperation is a feeling I remember distinctly toward the end of pregnancy, even without everything OP is dealing with.

I gave birth 5 months ago, it was horrendous and having someone there who made me feel stressed and unhappy would have made it far worse. The OP should have whoever she thinks will offer her most comfort and support as a birth partner.

The staff at the hospital will happily support this decision. I went on an antenatal day at the hospital I gave birth at, and it was made clear to us that the father is only allowed to be there as a support to the mother (if she wishes), it is nothing to do with the paternity rights or what the baby may feel in years to come. Childbirth is a risky and dangerous event, if the OP feels that her husbands presence will increase her stress then he absolutely should not be there.

I don't think she should use it as a weapon against him but childbirth IS all about her and the baby. If he desperately wants to be there, he needs to show her that he is trustworthy and supportive when she is at her most vulnerable. He doesn't sound like he is up to the task.

For those that want to imply that anybody who supports the OP must be her in disguise...I am not the OP either.

Strawberry I agree with you as well.
I hope others see the true point of your post but I can foresee some jumping on childbirth being a 'dangerous and risky event'. Fwiw, I think it is as well. I had a horrible experience and would not have allowed anyone in that I didn't want there.

"Childbirth is not about the father's rights. It is about the needs of the mother and baby. At a time when a woman is likely to feel in pain, vulnerable, exhausted, and perhaps scared, she needs a birth partner who she knows will support her, and make the well-being of her and the baby the priority."

Which is all fair enough, if she didn't want him there because of the reasons given above then there's little I'd criticise her for. But she is using it as a form of punishment.
She also stated her intention not just to keep him away from the delivery room but also from the newborn in hospital. Which by my limited medical knowledge would be at a different time to childbirth.
Using your unborn child as a form of punishment and way of attempting to get your partner to do what you want. Just a fantastic attitude from a mother to be I'm sure we can all agree.

diotima I thought that the OP had specifically mentioned her husband's health as one of the reasons for her disliking his smoking? And if the best argument you can come up with is that the smell of a filthy drug habit is better than sounding pious then I'll happily stay on my side of the debate thanks [smiles piously].

I'm really shocked at how smokers and their defenders think it's ok to inflict their habit (be it smell or actual second hand smoke) on others. Totally selfish and imho increasingly outdated. I suspect in 10 or so years time we'll reflect on discussions like this in the same way we do about smokers having the right to light up on an aeroplane or in a train carriage or pregnant women openly smoking.

OP, I can completely understand your distress and why you'd choose to serve an ultimatum to try to force the issue. I'm sorry your "D"H is as lacking in understanding as he is in willpower. You obviously need to talk about your relationship if this has become a dealbreaker for you.

OP, you have to remember that mumsnet is a place where suggesting that people should think about how many kids they get if they cant afford them, will get you heaps of abuse. Suggesting that crisps should not have a daily part of a healthy diet, that being overweight is not exactly great, and that smoking is not really good for you or your kids, and drinking alcohol pretty much daily is neither actually that great, will cause a literal torrent of abuse.

Mumsnet in majority defend the right to:
Eat
Smoke
Drink
Reproduce as much as you want, this is your entitlement ^.

Any attempt to rock this epitome, will turn you into a pariah.

As long as you dont let your children drink fruit shoots and eat Greggs sausage rolls. Now, that is the lowest of the low.

Bloody hell. This thread is insane. OP, you are being so VVVVVVVU I don't even know where to start.
This coming from someone who absolutely cannot STAND smoking, doesn't want it anywhere near me or my kids because just the smell is enough to get to me. All smokers stink of the stuff regardless of whether they're smoking at the time or not.
HOWEVER, can you seriously not see how unreasonable you are being?! You're going to ban your DH from the birth, and not have him around the baby in the hospital. So not just not having him at the birth. Baby's first hours/days as well.
It is not just your baby to hold out as a form of punishment as he's "not doing as he's told". It's his baby just as much as yours.
What on earth gives you the right to hold a baby up as a weapon to make him toe the line?
It's incredibly selfish, manipulative and controlling.
You KNEW when you got together with him that he was a smoker. That didn't stop you marrying him. or keep having children with him
You can't 'tell' someone they have to give up smoking. They have to be able to do it themselves - he might be trying and trying, but really can't do it.
To end a marriage over it and deny a baby his father over something like smoking is ridiculous. There's got to be more to it than that.
Genuine question, but are YOU well? You sound like you need support, a bit of help and should go see your midwife and share your concerns with her.
It's just not normal, rational behaviour, sorry.

Quint.
So true! And a bit pathetic when it's all in black and white like that. That there can be so many people out there like that!

I adore my DH. I loathe smoking. My DH didn't smoke when we got together. He does now. He is a recovering alcoholic and like many many (the majority) of people in that situation - he smokes. What would you do OP? Threaten to leave him unless he stopped smoking?

If OP had said "my DH has just taken up smoking now I am 9 months pregnant, AIBU to object to this so much I dont want him at the birth" then I think people would have been a bit more understanding.

The fact is that OP didnt mind the smoking when they met and shagged multiple times to conceive 4 children yet suddenly its all hand wringing Im-so-worried-about-his-health crapola.

Maybe OP feels she doesnt need or want him now she has her quota of children? Maybe OP only has this one thing to peg on him to make it look like he is the unreasonable one? Maybe the DH cant fucking wait to be rid and is glad he doesnt have to be the one to end it?

And tbh all this talk of being vulnerable in labour etc has made a bit of sick come into my mouth. She is giving birth in 2012, last time I checked we no longer have the risk of lions savaging us while the baby is crowning, and he might whiff a bit of cigs about him, not bloody anthrax.

funny how the sam shit stirrers keep coming back to put the boot in

Not strictly relevant to the thread but worth pointing out: if he has lied about his smoking on life insurance or travel insurance forms (health insurance too?), his policies will be invalid I suspect.

There was a case in the press not long ago about a woman who had given up smoking before she took the policy out, described herself as a non-smoker (true at the time) and still had her claim denied though it was not smoking-related.

I know Hobnobs, flapping gums about how the OP is being very reasonable blah blah, so frustrating.

Christmas - I think I read a similar thread on here at the time but alot of people had said that it goes on what was right at the time of the policy being taken out, otherwise you'd be on the phone to them constantly updating your health details and what you had and had not taken, had done etc

I dont know if its true or not btw, just remember something about it.....might depend on the company?

I really dislike cigarette smoke. YABU to exclude DH from the birth. I guesss the issues are about something else, deeper down in your relationship and the smoking masks them.