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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

397 replies

Upsetme · 07/03/2012 12:58

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

OP posts:
hiddenhome · 07/03/2012 13:36

OP, I used to lie to me dh about my smoking. It didn't make me into a criminal though and I never cheated on him, or used money for bad things. I just tried to cover the habit up because I felt uncomfortable and ashamed. It wasn't out of malice or deviousness. I was trapped in the addiction and didn't know how to stop. It wasn't until I felt comfortable talking to him about it that I did stop. I told him when I'd been smoking and it was all out in the open.

tantrumsandballoons · 07/03/2012 13:36

Sounds like your trust issues are more to do with other things, not just smoking if you are prepared to tell your child you didn't trust his/her dad, that's why he couldn't be one of the first people on the world to see them- why would you even consider saying that to a child?

And this is just because he smokes?
The reason he hides it is because you clearly make him feel he isn't allowed to smoke, obviously he does not want to give up.

My husband hates the smell of smoke, I smoke in the garden and brush my teeth afterwards, he would never try and emotionally blackmail me to stop smoking.

IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 13:37

i feel really sorry for this guy. it is very clear that he is going to be painted as the bad guy to his dcs.

rumbledethump · 07/03/2012 13:37

If the OP thinks that banning him from the birth because he sometimes smokes before coming home from work is reasonable, why not just tell the midwife and team that this is the reason that she has banned him from the birth. And tell children the same if they ask.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/03/2012 13:37

I am not a smoker....I watched my none smoking mum die of lung cancer but I still disagree with the OP.

If her DH makes such an effort to disguise his smoking there is no way she needs to go and sit upstairs to get away from the smoke, she is being a drama queen pure and simpe!

To give an ultimatum to crack an addiction just like that is ridiculous and cruel and is just as bad as the lies that she hates him for!

everlong · 07/03/2012 13:38

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lazylula · 07/03/2012 13:39

I am a non smoker, I have never even tried a cigarette.

Upsetme, have you thought the reason he is lying is because of how you make him feel? I made sure dh knew when he gave up it was his decision and if he decided to go back to it then that was how it would be. You are piling on the pressure, making him give up when he is not ready so I reckon he is trying to avoid the confrontation by trying to hide what he is doing. If he stands any chance of succeeding you need to back of, put the decision firmly back in his lap, accept you made the decision to marry and have children with a smoker and live it. In time he will hopefully decide to give up for himself and for his children but if he doesn't then I am afraid that is something you are either going to have to live with or walk away.

TheSecondComing · 07/03/2012 13:40

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IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 13:40

"If the OP thinks that banning him from the birth because he sometimes smokes before coming home from work is reasonable, why not just tell the midwife and team that this is the reason that she has banned him from the birth. And tell children the same if they ask."

totally agree. if you feel justified in doing this OP then surely you have no reason to 'fudge' the reason he wont be there to the midwife.

hiddenhome · 07/03/2012 13:40

If my dh had ever tried to emotionally blackmail me in this way he'd have gotten two fingers stuck up at him and I'd have moved onto woodbines tbh.

It's the birth of his baby for crying out loud.

It's not like he's snorting coke or shooting up heroin. How about getting drunk? He's not abusing alcohol and beating you up every night. He's having a few cigs, there are worse things.

I give up. Hope you and the midwife have a nice delivery together. Your dh will be outside smoking out of stress presumably Sad Thank God my dh wasn't like this.

Original poster
Upsetme · 07/03/2012 13:41

Mavis - he does tell me calmly that he hasn't smoked (he seems to find it very easy to lie to me) but I can smell it on him so know he is lying. After me asking maybe another 2 or 3 times he admits it.

My mind is made up on the birth bit. Whether our marriage survives I don't know. I also know that I am not at all happy at the moment.

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/03/2012 13:41

Ever - so lets say you have a food addiction, say whether it be anorexic, bulimic or whatever....your DH issues you with an ultimatum - eat or I'm leaving - is that not cruel?? What is the difference then please tell?

Debsbear · 07/03/2012 13:41

I can understand where you are coming from, because it must be extremely frustrating to see someone harming themselves despite your best efforts, and i believe that your threat is more in line with "last resort" than a revenge. I don't think that banning him from the delivery room would be the answer and think you would end up making things worse. Why not ask him to try using patches/ gum from now until the birth as you really don't want him there smelling of cigarette smoke? He won't give up because you nag him about it, and it will just make him dig his heels in more. Good luck whatever you do

startail · 07/03/2012 13:41

YABU
You knew he smoked when you got PG.

Smoking is a disgusting addiction, but it is very hard to give up.

Blackmail and guilt trips won't work.

Lots of love and support when your DH wants to might.

Hellboy · 07/03/2012 13:42

Everlong - would you just tell a heroin addict to just stop? Tell an alcoholic to just stop?

pictish · 07/03/2012 13:44

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everlong · 07/03/2012 13:44

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WorraLiberty · 07/03/2012 13:44

If your marriage doesn't survive and he ends up with custody of the children, will it have been worth ending in your eyes OP?

fedupofnamechanging · 07/03/2012 13:44

I'm not a smoker and I do sympathise with the OP. Smoking is horrible to non smokers. I wouldn't sit upstairs when he smells of cigarettes - I would ask him to have a shower and get changed.

I do think though, that banning him from the birth will do more harm than good.

Stop going on at him to give up - it's doing no good, so no point in carrying on with something that doesn't work. Tell him, it is up to him what he does, but, he has no business imposing it on you and therefore has to make sure he doesn't stink of cigarettes in the house and around the dc. That's as much as you can do, really.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 07/03/2012 13:45

OP, is it that you have convinced yourself that smoking will give him cancer, and he will die, and leave you, so you're pushing him away now so you have some control over when/how he leaves you, rather than it happening in the future?
The death rate for everyone is the same, one person, one death, one day, no matter what we do or don't do - it's the old "you could be run over by a bus tomorrow" - you can't know what will happen in the future. Wouldn't it be worse to miss out on years of love with your whole family because of what might happen? Is this really such a big deal that you would risk losing your husband and the father of your children over it?
If it is, then you'll have to tell him so and take it from there I guess...

GladbagsAndYourHandrags · 07/03/2012 13:45

The OP's husband is lying to her face, and stinks of smoke, making OP feel sick.

Anyone present at labour is supposed to be supporting the mother. Not lying and making her feel sick.

I wouldn't have wanted someone like that present during either of my labours. Labour can be stressful enough without lying smoky husbands about. I think the baby will have a much better labour if OP is not upset and stressed.

I don't feel at all sorry for this guy. He hasn't really tried to quit has he, if he lies to GP and won't seek help.

Good luck OP, YANBU.

IAmBooyhoo · 07/03/2012 13:45

everlong, denying access to see his child being born is not a logical consequence of smoking or lying. if he had smoked in teh hospital during the last birth, then yes, she would be justified in telling him he couldn't be present this time but he is not posing any risk to the baby or mother by being present. the smoking is a separate issue from this birth.

hiddenhome · 07/03/2012 13:45

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everlong · 07/03/2012 13:46

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vezzie · 07/03/2012 13:46

OP, YANBU.
Those who are talking about his being a parent to dc4 whether he smokes or not - yes, but dc4 doesn't care whether he is at the birth or not. You care who's there. You get to choose. Choose someone whom you trust who isn't filling you with rage, resentment and other harmful feelings.

When someone needs to push dc4 round the park in the pram, teach dc4 to walk and talk, etc, yes it will matter to dc4 that his / her father is there for him. If he does these things with a fag in his hand, maybe the net effect will still be positive, as he shows his fatherly love. These things can all happen whether or not you are still married.

But you don't owe anybody anything about the circumstances of having your baby. Even its father.