To tell my husband (h) that he is not coming to the birth?

[Upsetme]

I have namechanged for this as if I go through with my threat then this post might out me to family and friends.

For the last 8 years (since we conceived dc1) my husband has been 'trying' to give up smoking. He refuses to seek any professional help or even to speak to his GP about it (the GP does not even know that he smokes as h has always denied it in any medical appointment). The longest time he has ever 'given up' for during this 8 year period is about 10 months. He always relapses though, smokes for a bit then says he will try again. He then manages a few months before smoking again. It is also very relevant to add that he never admits to smoking - I smell it on him, he lies to my face and denies it for about 5 mins before finally cracking and confessing.

I am now full term pregnant with dc4. Over my pregnancy the smoking has been happening more and more frequently. For the last 3 weeks h has smoked about 4 days a week. I can't stress how upset I am with him. I hate the smoking, I hate the fact it will most likely kill him, I hate his lies. There is nothing that I lie to him about whereas he sees nothing wrong in lying to me over and over again. the smell makes me feel sick and I can't stand to be near him.

I told him last week that if he smoked again, I would not let him come to the birth of this baby. I don't want him covered in chemicals around my newborn baby plus I don't want him there full stop. It has got to the stage where it is destroying our relationship. If he is able to lie about this, what else is he lying about? He came in from work yesterday stinking of cigarettes. I intend to tell him this evening that i am going to speak to my midwife and have strict instuctions left for the maternity wing that he is not to be given access to me or the baby at any point that I am in hospital.

I think I am being fair but would welcome the opinions of others. I am so upset and hormonal it would be useful to see what the general consensus is.

Oh no, take a deep breath and hold it for a moment. That would be a terribly cruel thing to do, and I'm sure you would regret it in years to come. Smoking is an addiction, and a crutch in times of stress. He is probably very stressed at the moment, what with your imminent new arrival. I am sure he feels he has let you down, and then you tell him he's let you down, so he needs another cigarette. It is a vicious circle. I have watched my friend go through this for years, and yes she lies to her husband about smoking too, and feels awful about it.
Try and support each other, let him support you during the birth, and support him in his struggle with the cigarettes. Good luck.

Well to be honest he probably lies about it because you make such a big deal about it. Maybe if you were more supportive and helpful if he tries to give up and work as a team it may actually help. Giving up smoking is bloody hard to do and not helped if someone is nagging in your earhole the whole time.

He cant just give up because you have given him a choice...it's an addiction that needs to be broken! Do you not understand that?

Pombear - that is actually a really good point that I had not thought of re the midwife thinking that something 'bigger' is wrong. I will fudge it by simply saying that we are on the verge of breaking up and it is not appropriate for him to be there.

Yes, years ago he tried the patches but stopped with them after a while. He refuses to see his GP to see what other help is available saying he can give up on his own.

Hmmmmm

I presume you knew he had smoking issues before conceiving dc4?

Therefore this is not a nasty suprise, you decided to bring your child into that environment so YABU to then decide its no longer acceptable

Ffs it's HIS CHILD too and you KNEW he smoked before getting pregnant

I think you are being unreasonably because you are being hormonal; and putting too much emphasis on such a tiny thing that you feel you can "control".

My DH wasn't able to attend the birth of our second child and it is a regret for both of us, although one we have made peace with because we can't change the past.

When you go into labour do you really want to be an angry and bitter person, or would you rather go into labour with the full physical and emotional support of the person who helped you conceive this baby?

I think your DH is smoking more because you are nagging him, and he is stressing because of your nagging and the impending birth. Smoking is an addiction, it is not a matter of you deciding he should stop, he has to want to stop and at a good time for him, not the stressful days leading up to the birth of his child.

Please take a day to calm down, think rationally about what you are asking of your husband, how difficult it will be for him. Don't take the quick and spiteful route because I can guarantee you will regret it. If your husband misses the birth and it is your fault, will you be able to forgive yourself? Like I said earlier, my DH missed his son being born through no fault of either of us and it was a sad outcome, I needed him in those moments and he needed to be with me. Don't put yourself or your DH through that.

So you are going to tell the mw that you are on the verge of splitting up

What are you going to say the the DC when it is old enough to ask if Daddy was there. More lies?

It must be frustrating that he isn't taking all the help that is out there but honestly try not to see it as him 'breaking a promise' to you. It's not a promise he can really make, he is addicted and everyone else is right the impetus to give up must come from him not you otherwise he will find it impossible.

No it isn't harsh.
She is using her unborn child as a weapon to get her own way over something that is not her place to demand. She can ask, and she can express her feelings on his smoking, but she may not punish him for not doing as he is told as though the child is hers and hers alone.

I'm on team pictish

I can understand you not liking the lying. When dh gave up smoking, which was totally his decision no pressure from me at all, the one thing I did ask of him was that he was honest and upfront if he went back to it. However, I think you are being unreasonable about the birth of your child. You must have known he was a smoker when you met and married him, so therefore you accepted that, as I did when I married my dh. Did you smoke? I didn't but had parents who did so saw how hard it is to give up. Dh has been given up for 4 years now. Let him decide for himself when he wants to do it and hopefully one day he will succeed.

You should be careful that it doesn't come back to bite you on the bum OP. What if your dh decides he's had enough and finds himself a fellow lady smoker to head off into the distance with? If you love him you should value your marriage and try to support him instead of treating him like a common criminal. You're lucky to have a husband who loves you and some children. Many people don't have that or have lost theirs and would simply not be wringing their hands over this issue.

You do sound very manipulative. Do you think this behaviour towards the father of your children is appropriate in this situation?

To be honest, smoking isn't ideal but it isn't the end of the world. If he reeks of fags on the day, well, tell him to piss off for a shower.

He's lying because of your attitude to something that is, actually, a personal choice.

You are not the only parent of this child, you know, and you have no business keeping him away from any of his children for any reason at any time.

I think YABU to be so controlling over the smoking, but I also think its your choice whether you want him at the birth or not, and I dont think any father has an automatic right to watch his baby being born. That could get very tricky if that were the case.

What if the Midwife's a smoker?

Do you really think you'd care as long as she/he managed to help you give birth?

Love, respect and patience go a long way towards helping somebody give up cigarettes. Thank God my husband didn't give up on me when I was smoking. I gave up when I was good and ready and once I'd made the decision it wasn't so difficult, but you need to be in the right frame of mind. No amount of nagging or finger wagging ever made me want to quit.

everlong. who on this thread has said it is ok for him to smoke around a baby?