To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

YABU....

Nah, that's absured.

Everyone gets old, some people get older earlier than others. My dad is 15 years older than my mum but in far better health.

Each person is different and no one knows what's going to happen.

I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

Sounds a bit extreme! I had DD when I was 32, when she's 18 I'll be only 50!

Whilst i understand what you are saying in respect to your own situation, people can get ill at any time in their life . Also people often do not have the choice to have their children at a younger age as i am sure many people would testify . So all in all YABU to expect everyone to follow your choice based on your own personal experience.

I know this is a touchy subject and I know it will make alot of people angry. I don't want to cause anger, just to discuss this topic without a scene.

So - should someone younger but with poor health not be allowed to have children either? Because they might become a burden sooner?

Is there a point to this thread? I mean you have made your decisions - is there a point other than to make other people feel bad?

So you'd rather not exist at all than have loving, older parents?

Theres too many things wrong with that and you're not really worth explaining them.

Olivetti - I know that doesn't seem old to you, but my mum died at 52 and I was 17. So my experience of life has made me think this way.

My dh feels like that, he was the third baby after a gap and feels his brothers had a better childhood as his parents were older when they had him.

How can one tell what the future holds....what if you dont meet your soulmate till you are in your 30's?

My SIL has had severe MS since being in her early 30's - she is now 52 and her kids have been caring for her in some sort of capacity since they were small - she had them in her 20's!

Anything can happen at anytime...having kids earlier in life is not going to change things at all!

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up - I personally think if you have kids before you have done most of what you want to do in life and then resent them for holding you back....now that's not fair either!

Horses for courses and all that!

Your experience was clearly less care-free than your siblings, so hardly surprising you feel a little short changed so YANBU.

That said, I am 36 and about to have dc2 so when I'm 60 the youngest will be 24 and I reckon they'll still get a fair crack of the whip - I'm in better shape than plenty younger than me, so though you are right to recognise your life has been affected by your families own situation, don't feel you have to put such a strict time frame on yourself as life doesn't always work out the way you want (when you meet mr right etc) and you don't want to box yourself into a very small corner - keep your options open.

yabu

Swings and roundabouts. My grandparents had my mum and two uncles when they were very young and had very little money. There is then a 12 year age gap between them and a younger sister. She had ballet lessons, horse-riding lessons and a whole host of other things, as they were financially better off.

I had my youngest DC at about the same age as my grandmother had been when she had her youngest, and I certainly don't feel I'm an old parent.

you feel how you feel, but not everyone will agree with you.

i cared for my dad for a few years, he passed away when he was 73 & i was 21.

the last couple of years were hard, but they would have been hard regardless of my age.

i also had a much better relationship with my dad than my much older half-siblings, & a much better childhood too. and it's just as well my dad had me, or he would have been up shit creek when he needed looking after.

Olivetti - I know that doesn't seem old to you, but my mum died at 52 and I was 17. So my experience of life has made me think this way.

I'm very sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been awful, but I think the point is here that tragically your mum died young. Not that your mum was too old to have you, iyswim.

bully for you.
Make a choice for your own life, don't expect other people to make choices about their own just to fit with what you think is best.

YABU. I lost my Mum when I was in my twenties. She was only young. I'm not bitter about my 'lost years' caring for her while she was ill; sad, yes, but not resentful. Her own father lived to be 99 and was highly independent and sharp as a knife right up until he was about 97. Whether they had their children relatively young or old would not have made any difference in the scheme of things.

YABU
My Dad is in his late seventies and plays golf, tennis, travels the world and still works as a consultant physician. He isnt old at all. His youngest is 30

[pinches some of Cogito's popcorn]

[hobbles off on zimmer-frame to apologise to DS2 for having him at 36]

Sorry your dad is unwell but YABU, and if you are really 29 you sound a lot younger. Athough actually not sure if you are genuinely talking out of your backside or trolling for reaction by posting in AIBU rather than another board?

My mum had me when she was 16 1/2 and my dad was 23. She died when she was 45, and my dad died when he was 60. I actually ended up looking after my grandparents. Nobody knows how life will turn out.

I get what you're saying. I was late 30's when I had my DD. Would have loved to have a child younger if I'd met the right person then. One advantage of having a child when you're older is that you may be more financially secure / more patient / less resentful about not being able to go out socialising etc.

I think there comes a point when it's unfair to have a child (eg men in their 70's having children)

My ex's mum was very ill throughout his childhood and died when he was 10 - she was 33 :(

My friend lost her husband when their baby was 4 months old. He was 29 and had cancer.

Sometimes life doesn't work out the way people want it to. I'm sorry you lost your mum at a young age, and can see why you feel like you do, but one size doesn't fit all, and judging older parents harshly won't change the way your childhood was.