To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

Your father could have been 22 when he had you and yet got MS and needed a lot of caring. You simply can't tell what life holds. I think you just need to get on with it and not be constrained by 'what if........' -after all 2 parents in their 20s can be in a car crash tomorrow.

I know I should but I just cant face reading pages of crap about aged parents being selfish.
It depresses me.

I will just say.

My Dad was 22 when him and mum had me.
My FIL was 50 when him and MIL had OH.

We BOTH lost our dads at the same age.

Because life is like that. Disability, illness, accident are unpredictable.
I am also considerably fitter (ok by a fucking MILE) than most of the 20 something mothers at the school gate. Geez they look like my mother.

I work with families and I have vast experience of life being ancient (44 to you OP) and I can tell you that people are DIFFERENT.

Some young parents are crap and lazy, some are full of vim and verve.
Some older parents are a bit crocky and some are the very epitome of pep.

So in conclusion YABU and you sound like you need a bit of help working through your sibling jealousy and your inability to take responsibilty for your own feelings.

But then I would say that wouldnt I?

mrsdevere - I think your last comments are a bit harsh tbh. The OP is obviously struggling with difficult feelings around this subject

mrsdevere your comments are spot-on (and no harsher than the OP or many of the subsequent replies on this thread).

Irrationally lashing out at people who through no fault of our own and in many cases to our great distress and regret, have been unable to have a much wanted DC by the age of 30 is not an appropriate way of dealing with difficult feelings.

Your poor friend treadwarily - yes, v. beautiful family and terrible tragedy which, true to form, they have handled with utmost grace and dignity.

Spot on mrsdevere! I always get fed up when people my age are called 'old biddies' on here when I go running most mornings and yet know many 20 something mothers who wouldn't get around the block they are so unfit!!

I am sorry you think I am harsh lesley but do you really not think that the OP has some issues around this?

She appears to resent her sibling's 'easy' life and makes very strong statements about older parents. They are not 'facts' they are her interpretation of the situation.

I think that her getting some help working through these thoughts and feelings would be helpful to her.

Thinking people who have children over the age of 30 are selfish (and lets face it the OP is thinking in much harsher terms than 'selfish') is extreme.

Its the sort of statement I have only really seen on Nuthuns coming from the keyboard of a 19 year old who puts it 'i thnk its dicusting for old peeple to have kiddies. I am a proud young mommy. Women having bubbas when r 35 is wrong'

The OP may be more articulate but the sentiments are the same and just as unpleasant.
IMO

I find the OP's attitude a bit strange. Before the 20th century, many mothers would have died in childbirth, so lots of children were left motherless from a young age. Life expectancy was generally lower too, particularly for working-class people - my father's mother died at the age of 40, for example.

My parents were in their late 30s when they had me, and that was never a problem for me (except insofar as their attitudes were a bit old-fashioned compared with my friends' parents). I was in my late 30s when I had my DD. I would have loved to have had children younger, but it didn't happen. As it is, although she has older parents, she has benefited from the fact that we are better off financially than we would have been 10 years earlier, and also from the fact that I can work from home, which I wouldn't have been able to do had I had her when I was younger.

There are lots of circumstances which are less than ideal for children: if their parents are very poor, if their parents have an unhappy marriage, if their parents neglect them or are cruel to them. On the scale of things, having two happily married parents who love you and care for you but are a little bit older doesn't seem to me to be such a terrible tragedy.

I have been nodding in agreement at loads of your posts this morning exoticfruits

OP, here's an answer: it's none of your business. This is unlike someone passing judgement on someone who smokes during pregnancy, or drinks loads around a small child, or feeds their kid crap through the school gates, which is arguably everyone's business as it is a matter of child welfare. Your attitude towards "older" (over 30 ) is pure prejudice based on your own experience. Just because someone hits the magic milestone of 30 or 40 or 50 it doesn't mean that they will suddnely balloon into a fat, unfit, gasping heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. Everyone should take ownership of their own health and I would think that anyone who has had children "later" would take extra care of themselves so they can better look after the young people depending on them. Of course, age catches up with everyone, and sometimes death of illness can strike out of the blue. But that's life. However I hear people who have had children later saying all the time "Yes it's knackering but they keep me young". And I was out with a couple last night who had had children young who were grey-faced with tiredness because their youngest is such a bad sleeper. Life's a box of chocolates etc.

If I encounter anyone like you who sniffs that I am pregnant when I am clearly in my mid thirties, then I will be extremely miffed and may use some impolite language to them

Don't extrapolate what works or doesn't work for you to the rest of humanity, please.

I haven't read every reply here, but I can identify with how the OP feels. My parents were much older when they had me and my sister. My mum was 40 and my dad was nearly 50. I hated the fact that everyone thought they were my grandparents. I hated the fact that they were much older than my friends parents. I am envious that so many people my age still have their parents.

I vowed that I would complete my family by the time I was thirty. Guess what. It didn't happen. Due to infertility problems I didn't have DD until I was 41. I have no regrets, but I do worry about her future. OH is 60, we are far more aware of our mortality than when we were younger. DD is an only one, we live hundreds of miles away from our families, DD's cousins are all much older than her. When OH and I pop our clogs DD will be on her own. When we were sorting out our wills we realised that we don't even have anyone as an executor - cue hiring an expensive solicitor or the bank - not ideal.

I know that life is a lottery, but statistically there is a higher risk of not having your parents around when you reach adulthood if they were younger when you were born.

Mrs devere - I realise this is off topic, but do you really have to use poor spelling as a shorthand way of implying limited intelligence? (your last post from an imaginary nethuns poster). Just a polite request from a parent of a dyslexic child not too do this please.....

In all other respects I agree with you!

Op YABU, 'it's not fair'? Well, life isn't. My dad is 85 and fit as a fiddle. He had my younger brother when he was 52. My older brother died at 32. I didn't have my first child until I was 35, not because I was selfish but because it took me 8 years to carry a baby to term. My dh lost both is parents as a child/teenager. They were both in their 40s. No, life is not fair but there you go. I don't think you can make assumptions about anyone without knowing their history.

My gran is currently in hospital and very ill. She had mum whe she was young so mum (and her sisters) are taking care of her during her last days whilst they are themselves in their sixties. As is the way of my generation (ie the grandkids) we have all moved away so are of weekend help only (at best).

I think they might have preferred to be a bit younger and have a bit more energy for doing this so conversely might have preferred Gran to have been a bit older when she had them. So - to extrapoloate: people are selfish for havig kids when they are young becuase it means that when you are old and need looking after your kids will be old and tired themselves and feel knackered having to do so.

You should only be allowed to give birth at age 31

Mrsdevere - I agreed with what were you saying, but yes I thought it was a little bit harsh as are some other posters - although I agree that the OP herself was harsh in how she made her point.

I can see this from both sides. I lost my Father in my last year at Primary School. He was 50 when I was born. He died of a cancer which is more common in older men. I've always been a bit irrationally resentful of the fact that he died and left me. Yes, I know he didn't mean to die, and I realise that I wouldn't exist if him and my Mum had started a family 15 years earlier (my Mum had fertility issues so her children were born 15 years after they married, in her late thirties and my Dad's fifties). I do agree that in an ideal world parents would have completed their family by their mid thirties. This is in a ideal world though.
From the other angle, I had two children in my late twenties and have just given birth (3 months ago) to our third daughter at the ripe old age of (almost) 39. And it's staggering the difference a decade makes. I am so much more relaxed and enjoying the experience of motherhood this time around SO much more. I think I've come to the conclusion that the timing of parenthood is not just about the welfare of the child, but the welfare of the parents too, and whether the timing is right for them. And as long as the child has one parent who can be there for them (this is what the menopause is for-stops our ability to get pregnant at a time when we can give birth and still see our kids to adulthood) this is fine.

I haven't read every post, but lots of people are saying that perhaps they didn't have a choice in having a child until they were older? Well, I'm putting a stake in the ground and saying I chose to have DS when I was in my mid 30s and I wouldn't change that decision for anything. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I am a better mother, a better partner and a better provider than I would have been at 25. So my decision to wait had nothing to do with anything except my own desire not to have children until I was ready.

YABVU to say its unfair on the children. Believe me, having DS when I was younger would have been unfair on him. He would not have been the happy, well cared for baby he is.

And while I appreciate you're obviously going through some of your own issues, I would strongly urge you to think again before making statements about "older" parents being "unfair". One person's experience is not exactly a great barometer for society as a whole.

I had my first two very young and my last at 38.

With my oldest children, I had masses of energy and could shrug off sleepless nights and still tear round the park with them. I loved novelty, new toys and having fun with them.

With my youngest, I have much less stamina but I have so much more life experience and much more wisdom than I had before. And I have discovered that patience really is a virtue.

I find the argument about having children only while you are young rather childish in itself. Parenting is about more than a number and your argument, op, is about as relevant as me saying that all the crappy parents that I have known were all in their twenties...

Oh, and also, everything that MrsDeVere said too.