To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

Yes, whatmeworry I'd agree with you, but nature has taken that choice away from women. You can't have children outside your normal fertile range!

Whether you think that ivf treatments with donor eggs should be outlawed for post menopausal women is another debate. I'd be inclined to agree that once you've had your menopause that should be it (unless you have been unfortunate enough to have it prematurely in which case you should be eligible for help to have children).

Sorry to hear of your Dad's health. I don't think you can really predict life. My dad was in his mid twenties when I was born - he died aged 49. I had been out of uni a year and my sister was still in uni.

I know someone whose husband died before their baby was born. He was late 30's.

Then I know lots of spritely 70+ year olds who look after grandchildren all week.

You just don't know.

She isn't saying that though is she whatme, thats a whole other debate. OP is talking about people over 30!

I know, i was disagreeing with her.

Yes, whatmeworry I'd agree with you, but nature has taken that choice away from women. You can't have children outside your normal fertile range!

No, there are women using latrest tech to have kids quite late. I also think men of 60 are too old, unless they are sugar daddies and can support a family when they are gone (What was it about the millionaire Mr Daniels...)

If you have the choice (to a point) is probably better but many people don't have that choice.

My good friend was talking about this yesterday, his dad had him at 55 and died at74, was ill for most of his teenage years. He is nearly 40 now and thinks he may never have children unless he meets someone right soon as he doesnt want to be an old dad.

YABU

I think YABU. I am glad that I had my children in my 20's as (presuming I am still around and mentally intact!) I will still be young when they are grown. It also means my parents and PIL are able to enjoy them a bit more than if they were very elderly (as they had their children in their 20's too). But as others have said this may not have worked out and could still change.

I could say that as soon as I am done caring for my children I will possibly be caring for my parents so maybe I should have had children later to have some fun free time in my 20's.

My children were born when I was 22 - 28. Our parents were young and saw plenty of them. We had no money at all, were in a house that was far too small and both had to work shifts around eachother so never got any time to spend together.

Our "surprise" baby was born when I was almost 44. Her siblings moan non-stop that she's spoilt, and we get a lot of "we never had that". But her GPs are elderly and she only gets to spend lots of time with one of them. Swings and roundabouts.

My father died when I was 33, quite unexpectedly. He was 62. His own father lived to 84. My mum's parents were 92 when they died and they were fit and well almost until the last minute. My mum is 72 with no health problems at all. Her friends were amazed that she doesn't have to take any sort of long-term medication. Yet I had cancer last year at 47. Makes no sense.

I don't think there you can just say there's an age limit for having children.

Something else that occurs to me is - my grandmother and my mother both pretty much followed the pattern you recommend, OP - mum was just over 30 when she had me, but barely. So when I was in my early 20s she was (and she still is now) perfectly healthy. But my grandparents were dying. And who do you think ended up nursing my granny when she needed 24-hour care?

I accept I am very lucky my parents are still healthy and happy, but the reality is that for most families, the price you pay for having relatives who're older than you is you end up caring for them when you are sick. Having children younger doesn't change that, it just means you shift a generation. You can't avoid people in your life getting sick and dying, it's horrible but it happens to all of us.

You can't be unreasonable for feeling as you do...no one can help their feelings and it sounds as though yours are at least partially justified.

However I don't think your theory would apply universally.

I'm 38; my health is alright but there are things that are worse than average for my age. My children were born when I was 29 and 33.

My partner is in his fifties. We have not been together for very long and we would like to have another child.

What you have posted has tied into what I am thinking, as is he - he doesn't want to be difficult for us to care for when he is old.

I don't know if it would be right for us to have a child now. But we both want to and would obviously love it very very much.

One thing I'll say is that I knew a few people whose parents were older at school. Sometimes the father, sometimes both parents. I envied them.

My folks had us at 21 and 19, 23 and 21 and they were not emotionally healthy at all, and lots of things were wrong. My sister and I often felt older than them in certain ways. However, we got through and as they have matured, they have become far better parents to us than they were when we were small.

I envied my friends as their parents were all set; they had grown up properly, had lives that were good and sound and weren't phased by small children and their behaviour. They were proper grown ups.

I think it is really important to involve consideration of mental health and maturity in this process. These can often improve with age (though don't always) and this can balance the physical decline many of us experience.

I have known some very sorted children with older parents AND far older (next generation) siblings too. It seems the more older people there are around, the better balanced the small child being brought up among them.

Anyway I am sorry you feel so sad about it and thankyou for posting. I will have to think some more about our situation.

*when they are sick, even.

Very good point there Jericho.

I think YABU. Your argument implies that it's best not to experience life, for fear of worry or loss. Having experienced the latter recently, I think better to lived and loved than not at all.

I grew up with a father with a heart problem, and always worried about him particularly after seeing him have major surgery when I was 18 years old. It affected my life choices (I would not have lived abroad for example) and am glad of my choices. He died aged 68 last year. But I was very lucky to have him for 36 years of my life and he will be an inspiration for me for years to come.

Also I have a sibling who is 7 years younger than me, and he lived abroad for a few years, clearly not being as paranoid as me about something happening to Dad - so the burden doesn't always fall on the youngest, it's more to do with personality I guess.

I hope your siblings are helping out equally with your Dad too. I'm sorry it seems hard on you at the moment.

"My eldest sibling is 42 this year" so was born when your father was say 35-36?

"My eldest sibling [...] had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy. When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life [...] I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime"

"I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out."

So your older siblings, born when your father was in his mid-thirties or older, had a wonderful time, but you have selected an arbitrary cut-off for your youngest child of five or six years younger than your father's age when he had his oldest child because... ? Yes, OK, your mother died young but that could have happened when she was 22 or 32 or 42. It isn't normal to die in your early 50s.

And then to link to an article about having children at 66 and implicitly lump it in with having children at 31 -- well, you do see that that's a bit odd , don't you?

If you have older relatives, at some point they get sick and die. Sometimes they die young.. sometimes they live to be in their 90's and beyond.

I was in my early 20's when my Dad died, he was only 59... my aunt died leaving two young children when she was 42..

YABU.

YABU

I am pregnant with DC2 and DH is in his mid to late 40s. I'm 32. I can't promise DC2 will be the last.

i personally think your pushing it after the age of 35..complications etc..

there are many reasons why omen have children later in life.

my mothers friend was 45 when she had her 1st via IVF she was with a man who promised her for years that he wanted babies but never did so at 41 she left him met someone else and started saving

Nonsense. There is a slight increased risk after 35.

I know however a woman who had a child with Down's at 21.

I understand OP. I have also said I don't want kids over 30. I can run around with DS far more than the older mums with same aged DC. However I think the majority here are right. This is a personal choice for you and not one that should apply to others.

The thing is, being old now isn't the same as when our parents/grandparents were old.

I remember being 10 at my dad's 50th way back in the 1970s, and he was half-dead then.
Fifty year olds of my generation are generally a lot healthier than fifty year olds of his generation.

But you have fit, trim, runny-aroundy parents of 38, and far, unfit, waddly parents of 25!

There's a technical name for what you're doing but I can't remember it. Basically, you're turning your own individual feelings about unfairness into a general principle.

Have my first ever in 10 years of mumsnetting OP

YABU, I had ds when I was 35 due to fertility issues not through choice. If a child is loved it doesn't matter how old the parents are. For what it's worth my friend's Dad died when he was 36 and she was just 7 years old, you don't know how life will pan out.

I wanted to start my family at 30 at the outside as I had an older mother who was emotionally cold, distant, uninterested, fed up with small children, knackered and most of all old. I was 36 by the time I sussed out this pregnancy thing well enough to actually bear a child - the same age my mum was when she had me. Life doesn't often work the way we want it to... And I never wanted an only child. I was one of 6 and I adored being part of a big, loud, heaving family. Guess what...that plan fell apart too. Life is many, many things, but predictable? Not so much! I'd offer you a biscuit, but you're entitled to do what you want to do. Just don't expect the world to agree that you're right and anyone who deviates from the 30 and under rule is wrong. Life doesn't work that way!