To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

I had my last at 41 and I am 50.

I am not sure 'because I might die' would have been a great reason not to have my DD.

I think people have children in all sort of difficult and downright dreadful situations.
I think two very healthy, happy, settled and engaged people may be a better start, albeit at the hideously old age of 40, than many many other situations.

"Cogito, I didn't say anything of the sort did I?"

Apolgies... My ire was directed as the OP and I worded the post badly.

YABVU. However I will say no more as you clearly have more issues than I do.

YANBU to feel as you do at all

But OP, with the greatest of respect for your experiences how can this be a discussion? People have children at the right time for them. There is no way - no way - that I could have had DS before meeting DH. There was no relationship in my life before him that would have sustained having a child (and I guess to my credit, I knew it). If I'd got pg with any of the losers I went out with before him I would have been on my own, no doubt about it.

And as much as not having a child after 30 is your choice because of your experience, not having a child with an absent father was my choice - also because of my experience. I'm not going to change my mind on that and neither are you so how can that become a discussion?

30 as a cut off point is a bit extreme. If we are talking about having children at the age of 60 or 70, then you would have a point. That said, I am the only child of older parents and I am quite relived that I had my children at 28 and 30. Of course you never know what will happen but my mum died when I was 15. She was 57 and of course had I been born when she was in her early 20s, I would have had her around for longer. However my father is in his late 70s and is in pretty good health, on the whole. I can't drive but he still drives, he walks, goes to the gym and goes on holiday. But he will be 80 at the end of this year and he won't be around for ever:(

Also, neither he nor my mil are up to babysitting, so we don't have any family support in that way. Whereas if my dds were to have dc at a relatively young age, then hopefully dh and I would still be young and fit enough to look after them for a weekend or whatever.

OP can I ask, if you hadn't met the right man by the time you were 30, would you have decided not to have children at all?

I sympathise with what you've had to endure, but I think it's wrong to generalise about these things, and to imply that anyone who doesn't pop out their family before they hit 30 is somehow being unfair.

I understand why you feel the way you do, I'm sorry you lost your mum at such a young age. I do think YABU though.

I'm lucky that I've been with DH since I was a teenager, we got married young and started TTC straight away. It still took me 4 years and a miscarriage before I had dd1 though. I was 24 when I had her and 28 when I had dd2. In contrast my sister who is now 29 is desperate for children but hasn't met the right man. She's had a string of unsuccessful relationships and her current boyfriend is a dickhead. She also has PCOS. Unless she decided to go it alone (and why she should she she's still holding out for the white wedding/2.4 children dream) she will be an older mother.

Most of the time people don't actually choose to be older parents life just takes them that way.

I was adopted and my mum was 35 and dad 40. One more year and try would not have been able to adopt me.

Believe me. To have them in my life as my parents for however long I am blessed to have them is brilliant.

They are in NO way selfish and I have had all the love in the world in my family

So you are being stupid, unreasonable, naive, ageist and grr I am so mad!

Ok, have just read the article you linked to, which is about a woman giving birth at 66. That's a very different kettle of fish to having a baby at 30 or 40. The menopause happens for a reason. Any woman who has a baby before the normal age of menopause statistically has a pretty good chance of seeing them well through to adulthood.

I think it is ridiculous to use an article about a woman having children unnaturally (which must be the case) at age 66 to make a point that people in their 30s (who are still very much fertile) are too old to have children. It's a totally ridiculous argument.

I am having my first at 33. I hardly think that is geriatric. I'd have loved to have started earlier, but that's just the way things have panned out (not meeting partner till 31, then having two miscarriages). You can't have kids to order just at the moment when you want them.

Also you state in your OP that you know you are being unreasonable. If you actually know that you are being unreasonable then there is surely no need to ask the question in AIBU. So you are just starting a pointless debate that you already know will make people angry?

I am sorry that your dad is not in good health. But that is hard for people to deal with at any age. A person could have children in their early 20s and then die at the age of 40. There are no guarantees in life.

I feel sorry for your situation OP, but think that what you have said (taking your post at face value) is not right.

Everyone wants to live a long and healthy life, and to be there to see their children grow up/have families of their own etc, but it doesn't always work like that. My mum had me at 34 after 6 years of fertility issues. From when I was about 6 she developed rheumatoid arthritis, which eventually affected virtually here whole body. She died at 66, after 20+ years of suffering and pain. However her father lived til he was 88 and was fairly fit and active til he was 86.

DH is the youngest of large and spread out family (sounds like yours) with a 15 year age difference between him and oldest. FIL died last year age 75 - but until he was 74 was pretty much healthy (he had cancer and died 5 weeks after diagnosis). All the siblings were wrecked when he died.

SIL contracted a virus in her mid 30s, which has left her paralysed from the waist down. She had 2 small children at the time. She was 'young' (ie under 30 from your OP) when she had them, but they have almost always lived with her condition and there have been some very close calls with her health since.

As i said, I have a huge amount of sympathy (and empathy) for your situation, but as a PP said, what is right for you is not right for others and you can't simply say it is 'not fair'.

My parents had me in their late 30s which was quite old then. My father in ill health now and because I had my children in my 30s I am caught in what the media refers to as the sandwich generation. It makes life stressful and I think more people should consider this when planning their families.

I am also the youngest sibling and my siblings had their children young so have had more help with childcare and their children have had closer links with their grandparents. I chose a different path and traveled the world and had a career in my 20s. I never really gave this any thought when I was young but it does make me a little sad now.

OP - do you have/want children?

Sitting on the fence here. I think that a big age gap between oldest and youngest siblings can point up some quite major differences between the experiences of childhood and also adult life as well.

The oldest sibling grows up with young parents and then later they become young grandparents. The youngest sibling grows up with older parents then later they become older grandparents.

I dont think the issue is so much with the relationship between parent and child but between the siblings. If the age difference is quite large then the siblings dont have very much shared history or shared experience.

That difference can be good, bad, neutral.

I offer cushions to anyone who wishes to sit on this fence!

I don't think the age you have kids has a lot to do with it. I went through hell in my late teens/early 20s with my parents health (cancer for my dad and cancerx2 for my mum). They were in their early to mid 20s when they had me. It's just the luck of the draw. I'm 36 now and have been ttc for some time. If I follow my mother's path and contract cancer when I am 47, my children (if i am lucky enough to have them) will have to deal with that at a very young age. Hopefully I will not follow that path. On the other hand, I could get knocked down by a bus when they are babies. Who knows what life may bring.

Each to their own but I can understand where you are coming from, OP!
I would never call my parents (or anyone else for that matter) selfish or disagree with their choice/decisions but if I could turn back time or wave a magic wand, I do wish that my parents had had me earlier in life!
My dad was 40 when I was born and it was a little embarrassing at school having older parents.
My dad died when I was 21, from a terminal illness - which wouldn't make any difference no matter what his age - but 2 things - 1. because of his age he wasn't a priority to have treatment for said illness. 2. My theory is that even if life had gone down the same path and he died when he did from the illness, if he was younger when I was born I would have had more precious time with him.
But then again, you could say that about anything in life!

Dh's parents were in their early 20's when they had him, and now we are 26, we both have a great close relationship with his parents and his step mum (well, my relationship with the MIL is a bit )
You can just talk to them about anything, and we genuinely enjoy spending time with them.
My mum on the other hand is so out of touch with reality and the modern day - she is 2 generations older than me really so as much as I love her I feel we don't have anything in common with her!

So, although I can't say for sure it's due to age - at the grand old age of 26, I now have one parent dead and one who I can barely hold a conversation with as she can't accept times have changed since 'her day'
DH and I made a similar choice to you OP, that we wanted kids young (our aim was age 25 but have had to up it to 30 as we are now both 27 this year and Mother nature is not on our side!)

Planning when to have your children is not an option some of us have...

I didn't meet my dh until 35, as it turned out we then had fertility issues, and spend the next 8 years going through IVF, for us it was a happy ending and we had twins, but at 42, when they were born, I am most definatley an older mum. I guess this makes me selfish by your standards.

My dad is 80 and is still very fit and active (as am I)and hopefully I have inherited his genes! On the flip side I lost a dear friend last year who was only 45.

Gnome my parents were 38 and 40 when they had me and my siblings are 7.5, 10.5 and 11.5 years older than me but I have a great relationship with them - always have. I'm a lot closer to them than friends are to siblings far closer in age.

Study after study show that older parents generally make more well-adjusted parents; they might've been trying for a long time to get pg, including perhaps having fertility treatment, so any child they do have is exceptionally cherished, they will generally have less children, so have more time, money and attention for them and, most importantly, they have established their careers, had their fun and their youthful years, wild or not, and are fully ready for a new, more responsible stage of life.

Of course, I say this as a woman who had her first child last year at 38

Every family situation is unique. My Dad's dad was 27 when he was born, my Mum's dad was 41 when she was born. Paternal GF was disabled due to childhood polio, so couldn't do lots of stuff other dads and grandads could, whereas my maternal GF was still running about playing tennis with us in his 80s. I never once thought one GF was more fun than the other, however. And they died within 3 years of each other.

You could have 5 kids before the age of 20 and be dead at 25 or you could have one child at 40 and still be fit as a fiddle at 100. It's the luck of the draw. OP, I think you are dealing with your sadness, worry and anger over your father's ailing state by fixating on this one issue of his age. It must seem unfair and that you've not had long enough with him, but people who are in their 70s when their own parents die feel like that too. It's the price we pay for loving others dearly.

I'm sorry about your dad OP, but my dad was 29 when I was born and he died from cancer five years ago when I was 34 and he was 63, how do you know the same won't happen to you? You can't protect your children from this type of eventuality except by not having children at all.

I have been both a young parent and and "old" new mum, there are pros and cons to both. But you cant really live your life by the what ifs.

Panda, that's why I'm on the fence! I know others with a different experience.

had my little boy when I was 38 and being honest I wouldnt have wanted kids before this age as I was a right selfish old bird.