To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

I'm not having children after 30 either. But that's my health concerns..

I think it's up the the parents.
YAB a tad U. But it's your choice so in that respect your not

Oh and my mum had me at 26 and died at 40, a year older than my healthy, active MIL was when she had my youngest SIL at 39.

I hope you've got a flame retardant suit on OP!

What about people like me who have fertility issues? I'm 30 now and have been ttc for almost 2 years. Should I give up now?

[tries to put lid back on can of worms. Fails!]

It sounds like you have had very traumatic losses and now have alot of responsibility as a carer for your father at a young age. It is okay to feel sad about that because it isn't fair :(

YABU. Many people have to make room for parents various ailments at any age. My dad died when I was 9. Not a day goes by when I don't think about him. Your dad is still alive and you can see him any time you want but you're hung up on him dying? You're 29 and still have a parent about. You are lucky. Enjoy him.

The OP's experience may not be fair Agincourt but it's no reason to conclude that the rest of us who had kids in our 30's or later are 'not fair on the children'.... that's just crap.

YABU, my elder brother always says he was born too soon as my sister and I got opportunities he never had as our parents were more financially secure. I'm 38 and have just had DC2 having met my DP later in life.… I know it's not just about money but I'm also in a far better place to deal with sleepless nights/crying baby now than I would have been in my 20s. Each to their own really.

CaveMum - I've had fertility issues too, so only know too well how that feels. I am not trying to single out and point my finger at older parents, but as things are coming to head in my life with my Dad, and then reading that article, it just confirmed my feelings.

I think it's absurd to think that I would troll about something like this to make other people feel bad on purpose. If I do, then I'm sorry. Just want a sensible discussion.

Respect your choice.

Respect others choice.

It's fine for you to do what you want but it's not fine to extrapolate that out to tell others what to do.

You had a different experience but so does every child dependant on birth order, the way their parents were at the time and many other factors.

For example I know 3 siblings - first sibling adored by grandparents, went to private school, grew up in a foreign country. 2nd sibling, state school, grew up in relative poverty (grandparents dead), 3rd sibling grew up in growing affluence, went to private secondary school - each experience totally different.

I would argue (as do other mental health professionals) that each child has a different set of parents as their experience is different.

You accused us of deliberately being horrible to our children by having kids over 30. Apology accepted but maybe take your head out of your navel occasionally and think about others.

In Switzerland Life expectancy is 84.2, so on the sats side of thing she could see her twins reach 18, who knows what her heath will be like.
My nan is 79 and still jetting off on hoilday, turkey and tinsil weekend, church groups and has a very active social life.

me personally do not want to be an older mum, so i have my children when i was 20 and 23. I don't want anymore DC. But i dont know how my heath is going to turn out like. Just look at Jade Goody died at 27 of cancer.

Have you tried psychotherapy? I had psychotherapy and it was really useful for coming to terms with a traumatic death in my family, I was a bit older than you but still pretty young to be dealing with such a close death. It's an isolating experience really when you are so young. Caring is hard too. Have you spoken to anyone about it? Do you have support yourself?

Cogito, I didn't say anything of the sort did I? Life isn't black or white

maybe take your head out of your navel occasionally and think about others.

do you not think someone caring for and dealing with a dying parent is the wrong audience for that sort of comment?

I know what you mean, but you can't always choose that.

It's hard watching parents get old and die, but it's hard no matter what age you are.

DH is 50, and we've just had a baby. He's looking after his 90 year old mum, who is now in a home, and he's in charge of her finances etc.
He had old parents, and he's an old parent himself.
I think as long as your children are adults and independent, it shouldn't matter how old they are when you die.
or become ill.

It's distressing no matter how old.

Perhaps you weren't planned?

I have had counselling to deal with my infertility problems (I do have 2 children now after treatment) and my counsellor helped me deal with my mother's death too. But seeing my Dad ill everyday becomes more and more unbearable. My siblings seem to handle it better than me, maybe because they had more time with him when he was healthy and got to live a life without this worry. I have worried about him since I was a teenager.

I had DS at 36 because that's when I found the man I wanted to have a child with.

I would have been very happy to be able to do that 10 years earlier, believe you me..........

So here's a and a , have a cuppa and think of something else!

I could not have had my children any younger than I did. I did not meet DH until I was 35 and wanted a decent father for my DCs not some fly by night that I couldn't trust.

You can't predict how life pans out and being envious of your siblings "easier" life will just make you miserable. I bet they look at you and wish they were in their 20s again. The grass isn't always greener.

I know you don't want a bunfight OP but you can't make a sweeping statement like your OP title and not expect to ruffle feathers and offend a few people.

They most probably don't handle it better you know, it's just you look at yourself and see your downfalls and negative and most probably look at them in a positive light. Truth of it is though they are most probably struggling as much as you are. Have you spoken to them about it?

I know this is a touchy subject and I know it will make alot of people angry. I don't want to cause anger, just to discuss this topic without a scene - so perhaps AIBU was not the best place for it?

Those of you saying you don't know what's going to happen at whatever age need to remember that people having children at a later age will be more likely to have something happen sooner for that child than later. Yes, anything could happen, but if someone is 45 years old when they have a baby by the time that child is only 20 - young - then it is more likely that the parent will start having health problems or worse. They may have had a good few years growing up, but might miss out on adulthood with time to spend with that parent. That's a bit unfair to put that child in a situation which might turn out that way knowingly.

I wouldn't want to give a cut off point to have children, and surprise pregnancies happen, but perhaps people shouldn't get too old when becoming pregnant. Men having babies beyond 60 is not fair at all, imo.

Your post shows the danger of extrapolating too far from your own experience, OP.

So your father has suffered declining health for perhaps the last decade (so, late 60s to late 70s)? I'm very sorry to hear that, but I can think of very few people in my family who have had that experience. With only one exception all my great-grandparents and grandparents lived into their mid-to late 90s and were in surprisingly good health until their very last years. My parents, aunts and uncles are now in their 70s and 80s and all very spry. So understandably, as a family we tend to view late parenthood differently. Not that your feelings aren't perfectly valid and understandable, they just aren't of general application.

The important thing is that if you plump for late parenthood, you do your absolute best every day to make sure you keep your health good for as long as possible for your children's sake.

You realise age is not neccessarily anything to do with good health dont you?

YABU

I don't think you are unreasonable for the way you are feeling, you've had a lot to cope with. But it doesn't work out like that for all older parents, and sometimes younger parents die or get ill.... it's so sad, but it happens.

I had my first child at 21, I adopted two more at 35. I feel, sadly, that I have parented the two younger children better than my eldest. I'm lucky that we are able to talk about it and he understands.

I had DC4 at age 42, completely unplanned. Me being an older mum, does that make me guilty of child abuse in some way?