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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

268 replies

nobodyspecial · 06/03/2012 15:16

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

OP posts:

noinspiration · 06/03/2012 16:27

I think it is sad that you are jealous of your elder siblings. I expect that they feel that in some ways you had the better deal. It's called sibling rivalry and some people deal with it better than others.

I am ttc at the grand old age of 39. I agree it would have been better to have had a family younger, but life is rarely ideal, and I am where I am.

I hope your life works out to plan, although don't be surprised if it throws you a few curve balls and stuff goes off schedule.

flapperghasted · 06/03/2012 16:34

My mum was 36 when she had me. She was an old lady by the time I was 5 or 6. She stayed an old lady til she died a couple of years ago. I was the youngest of 6 and I was settled with a family of my own by the time she went, so that could have been worse.

I was 36 when I had my daughter. I started trying for a child at 29 but was blighted by miscarriage and infertility issues. I feel so lucky to have a child at all after all these issues, but apparently I'm short changing her!

Luckily, she doesn't see it that way. She doesn't see me as old now (I know cos she won't allow me to say it, even when I'm feeling old poorly.) She would have liked a younger sibling but knows her mum is rubbish at having babies and chooses to focus on the positives instead.

You can make your own decisions, OP, but there will always be older/younger/thinner/fatter/richer/poorer/more/less intersted parents in the mix...and surely, that's what makes life so interesting?

LilacWaltz · 06/03/2012 16:36

Can you imagine the flak from a 'AIBU to think people peole shouldn't have children at a young age'!?!?

oldaninpurple · 06/03/2012 16:38

I had children at 20, 23, 35 and 38. I think my older 2 would argue that my youngest have a better childhood, I am more financially and emotionally stable now.

My brother on the otherhand died at 22 before he met his first child!

DeathCab · 06/03/2012 16:40

Hmm i sort of understand where you're coming from. Apart from not having kids over 30. I personally want to be finished procreating before i turn 30 but i don't think its bad if other people do, it's a personal choice.

My grandparents however had my uncle later in life. He lost his mum at 14 and his dad is now in a nursing home, he's only 19 and has been living without a parent for almost 3 years now. Very sad :(

RunningABitLate · 06/03/2012 16:40

I nearly died before I was forty. My best friend did.

SanctiMoanyArse · 06/03/2012 16:41

Next door neighbours just had their first- he's 65, she's 25, they are fabulous as a family, really lovely.

Is that OK because she is young or not because he is old (ish, works full time etc)? because I think they are doing a fab job and he can't have had his family before he met his wife can he?

megapixels · 06/03/2012 16:42

YANBU to feel as you do purely because of your own experience. Not every situation will pan out the way yours has.

FWIW my experience is similar to yours. Not that I am the child of older parents, but my youngest sister was born with a large gap after the rest of us, and I could see that how she was parented was completely different. I think my parents were past the "parenting young children" stage by then; not that they loved her any less, if anything she had more attention and love lavished upon her. But when the rest of us siblings were young we had loads of cinema trips and fun days out etc. as we were a young family, and she had none. She ended up with loads of responsibility from a fairly young age.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/03/2012 16:43

I'm ancient and have a one year old. I was in a bad relationship when I was younger and know that having a child then would have been awful for me and the child. Now, I am settled, secure and happy. A better mother IYSWIM. It's all luck anyway. Someone I know lost her father when he was mid-fifties, mine is 70. How can you know what will happen?

TrollopDollop · 06/03/2012 16:47

Life is not that simple though is it. Who knows how long we will live, at what age will shall be when we have health problems or when we meet the right person. Thats said, I too decided I didnt want children after the age of 35. This was based on my DHs parents having him and his sister in their 40s and seeing the effect of elderly parents on them as they grew up and as adults.However, I wouldnt say anyone who is older should not have children.It would just not be my choice. But that choice is based on the fact that I had met someone to have children with. I am sure I would feel differently if I hadn't.

TreacleSoda · 06/03/2012 16:48

My parents were in their 40s when I was born. I had my second child recently at the age of 36. It makes me sad because they are elderly and are extremely unlikely to ever see my son grow up. It makes me sad that my elder siblings are in their 50s, with their own families grown up, whilst I still have young children, and that I am facing the demands of caring for them whilst also worrying about the health and welfare of my elderly parents.

But, do I think they shouldn't have had me because of all this? No. (It was out of their hands anyway, I suspect I was a 'surprise'!). My best friend's mum was much much younger than my parents, and she died when we were small children. There are no certainties in life, and whilst there are a lot of ways that I feel I missed out in my childhood due to my parents ages, there were many other things that I gained (e.g. older siblings who spoiled me). Swings and roundabouts.

halcyondays · 06/03/2012 16:48

They may well be doing a fab job but will the dad live long enough to see his child grow up? How would a child feel growing up knowing his dad was in his seventies and may well die long before he becomes an adult?

anychocswilldo · 06/03/2012 16:50

Bloody hell! I had dc at 30 and 34. I'm hoping I won't be ready for the nursing home at 54 which is all I'll b when dd2 is twenty. I understand what ur saying but I think saying ur cutoff point for children is 30 is a bit extreme.

mrsscoob · 06/03/2012 16:51

Can't understand why you started this thread unless you just wanted to upset a whole lot of people in one go. I actually find your thread quite offensive. You do sound very bitter and jealous though, I imagine you to be the type that would find fault no matter what your position in the family had been though

QueenSconetta · 06/03/2012 16:51

This has really got my goat for some reason.

My Dad passed away 4 weeks ago 4 days after his 69th birthday. I am 30. My sister is 40 but is extremely self centred so EVERYTHING care wise fell to my Mum and to a lesser extent myself. However there are plenty people who are worse off than either you or I and have to deal with much more younger blah blah blah. You sound quite bitter so as others have said maybe you would benefit from seeking help with those issues.

Watching your Dad suffer your whole life, watching him slip into a coma, and watching him take his last breath sucks no matter how hold you are or he is, so to get back to your original point YABU re parental age.

QueenSconetta · 06/03/2012 16:52

This has really got my goat for some reason.

QueenSconetta · 06/03/2012 16:52

Sorry, double post, am numpty.

Pesofanclub · 06/03/2012 16:53

I really sympathise OP, it is hard growing up with ill parents but I guess you have to ask yourself a very basic question. Would you prefer to have been born or not to exist at all? I think, in most cases, the gift of life outstrips everything else.

OrmIrian · 06/03/2012 16:54

I don't think most people think that hard about it. The decision to have children later most of all. You have babies when you are ready for them, when you meet the right person perhaps, when you can afford it, when you decide you really want them. What happens if none of that happens until you are 33? Would you really just say 'Oh well, sod it then. I won't bother?'

Idocrazythings · 06/03/2012 16:55

YABU. My dad died when I was 6; and I've had loads of issues to deal with. A loving parent for any amount of time is a blessing. Older parents, have a lot of life experience amongst other things to offer their children and could live well into their 80s and 90s compared to mine who died at 36. And no, I wasn't that old when I had my children (early 30s).

ArielNonBio · 06/03/2012 16:57

What about for the people like many on MN who may have decided to have their children in their early thirties and blithely thought they would appear, only to find none were forthcoming for several years?

Sorry, don't know if that has been said.

MamaChocoholic · 06/03/2012 16:59

The thing is, if your parents hadn't had you when they did, you wouldn't exist. They may have been able to have a different child earlier, but it wouldn't have been you. Is your life so bad that you'd rather not exist?

My parents were older, but not terribly old (mum 35ish, dad 40ish when I was born, after they'd been trying for 5 years).

My mum died when I was 15 (honestly though, who expects to die at 50?), my dad when I was 26. Not great times, no, but they gave me a solid foundation and I have a good life now, even if I bemoan the lack of grandparents for our kids. I am so glad to have had a chance at life, and it's not an option to say I want to exist but with this or that changed. If I got to pick this life or none, I'd pick this one right off.

So YABU, IMO.

Whatmeworry · 06/03/2012 17:00

I think that people having kids beyond normal fertile range is an issue, being 60 when your kids are 10 is IMO not good.

Original poster

nobodyspecial · 06/03/2012 17:02

I don't know about bitter or jealous, but it does make me sad when I see old photographs of my mum and dad with my siblings in parks and at the beach where they are full of health and enjoying life. I never really got to see them like that.

OP posts:

mrsscoob · 06/03/2012 17:03

She isn't saying that though is she whatme, thats a whole other debate. OP is talking about people over 30!

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