To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

I understand what you're saying and I wince to think how old I will be when my kids are adults (and how I will be a very old grandmother, if one at all).

But life doesn't always go to plan, and on the other side of the fence my parents had their family too young and later felt compelled to divorce. I am sure most children would take old parents over those who split up.

I wanted to start my family at 30 at the outside as I had an older mother who was emotionally cold, distant, uninterested, fed up with small children, knackered and most of all old She was 36????

Yikes, I will be 37 at the youngest if I ever manage to bear a child. Is that really considered to be that old?

Ariel - not at all old, that would make you the youngest in some mum circles.

ArielNonBio Sorry...didn't mean to cast aspersions! My mum was old generation, wore a pinny over everything, often had curlers on under her headscarf, didn't wear trousers til she was in her 60's as she thought they were unladylike. She died not so long ago aged 82. And she'd had 6 kids by the time I arrived so was physically knackered. I suspect she was old before her time. She was always old in my head, but that was purely attitude!

DD (11) thinks I'm young and lovely and I'm a million miles away from being a milf :)

Oh I'm not offended. Nothing offends me much.

I shall have to be young at heart.

Though I can almost guarantee that I will be the oldest mum in my current circles

I can understand what you are saying. Who would not want to have their parents around for longer if they could? I often wish my parents were 10 years younger so that they could enjoy their grandchildren more and so that I could have them around for longer. All that said, life is life and what's done is done. A million things have come together to make you who you are and had your parents been 20 or 21 when they had you then your life and experiences might have been very different. It is one of those things really, what will be will be.

Well my mum died aged 21! I can only be grateful I suppose for that unplanned teenage pregnancy!

YABU. My dad died when I was 6; and I've had loads of issues to deal with. A loving parent for any amount of time is a blessing. Older parents, have a lot of life experience amongst other things to offer their children and could live well into their 80s and 90s compared to mine who died at 36. And no, I wasn't that old when I had my children (early 30s).

OP, your Mum died tragically young, you would have felt just as cheated if you had been 25 or 30 instead of 17, can't your older siblings explain that to you? I should know, my Dad died at 53, when I was 25.

You seem to be trying to blame her on some way for what happened. Try to focus on what you did have. For example I always tell myself how glad I am that he saw me graduate, rather than dwelling on the fact that he never saw me qualify as a lawyer. My best friend's Mum was dead at 45 and never even saw her go to university.

As for imposing a cutoff age of 30, I simply don't believe you'd be saying that if you didn't already have two children.

My mum was 41 when she had me and my dad was 58. My mum is now 64, and my dad died when i was 15months old from cancer of the throat. I dont think health is always affected by age. For instance, a friend i went to school with got breast cancer at just 18! She is now fit and healthy and has the all clear. It just goes to show that, even with the best will in the world, there is somethings in life you cant control. A girl in my year at school, lost her mum (her mum was mid thirties) at the age of 14, also to cancer on christmas day. So i dont see age as mattering that much, but of course having a kid in your late fifties or early sixties, like some have is selfish, cos you cnat keep the pace up. My mum even admits that.

P.S my mum also says not too call her a grandmother, nanna is fine cos it makes her feel too old, andshe is too young to be a grandmother.....hence i always call her grandmother on purpose.

My dad was 44 when he had me and is now 87
I think he was better at becoming a dad at that age than he would have been if he were younger. He had more patience and was more financially secure.

There are plenty of shit parents out there and often they are under 30. Its really not the age that is the most important thing OP.

I think the most important thing for children is to be born into a loving and stable family. You are more likely to achieve a lasting partnership if you marry and reproduce later in life.

Like my parents, one of my best friends parents were in their mid 20s when they had him and in great health. His dad in particular was a really active parent - health food fanatic and kept fit.

He killed himself when he was in his mid 40s and my mate was preparing for his A-levels.

I would guess that he'd do anything to hrave a loving father of any age, even if he had to give him the odd lift now and then.

I can see where you are coming from but I think it's your individual decision not something that should be treated as a generalisation. I lost both my parents by the time I was 23. My father was 59 when I was born and my mother 38. At school I hated having old parents, my father was ill for the last few years of his life and it restricted what he was able to do with me. When I reflect on it now I'm damned glad they had me, I wouldn't have the wonderful DD that I now have (didn't have her until I was in my 30's), my one regret is that she never met them.

What EFA said.

My dh was 46 when our first was born, 54 when %234 arrived. I'm 20 yrs younger. We're financially secure, he's probably fitter than a lot of men 20 years younger.

You've had a traumatic time OP but don't then extend that to other people's lives.

OP,

You seem to judge the quality of the parenting you experienced as a child by comparing it with that of your older siblings. Not surprising then that you feel the way that you do.

Envy is the thief of joy. It is making you bitter enough to judge other people's lifestyles.

Please let go of pining after something that simply wasn't available to you and enjoy your unique relationship with your Dad whilst he is still around.

Me, I didn't meet the right person to marry until I was 35, should I have consigned my ambitions of motherhood to the bin and lived out my days with just my husband as long term family ? We both wanted children but they took a while to arrive (well, I was over 35 with declining fertility).

There are ever increasing numbers of older first time parents so in future there will be more 18 year olds being dropped off at University by older parents, more 20 year olds with parents drawing pensions and less GP's with sufficient energy to offer extended babysitting services. The nation will adapt and cope.

If you have the time and funds it might benefit you to seek a little therapy regarding your situation as you do sound unhappy/bitter and this may eat away at any chance of being happy/accepting of your life the way it is.

The best dad in the world was getting on for 40 when he had me.

Nonsense, kirstt. The best dad in the world was 32 when he had me

KirstY even.

@Ariel. I can't believe it, dad had a secret former life!

I haven't read all of the thread but our dc were born when we were both 35ish and 38/9ish. When dd is 21 I will be 60. If she has a child at 35 I will be mid 70's and probably not much use to her. We hope to get them to full maturity before we start creaking too much. We didn't meet each other until late late 20's and then had fertility problems. They are loved, they were wanted, they have had support and security and an education we might not have been able to purchase for them had we started 10 years earlier.

My mother had me when she was 23. She never had another child because she found it very tying and trying. She made it crystal clear that she was happy to visit grandchildren and be the doing grandma with presents and love in return but that she didn't enjoy the park and she didn't think she should be there to support me because she had done her bit when I was small and an accident that ruined her life. I had fab grandparents who looked after me whenever she wanted most of the time

YABU OP - every age has something to offer - providing the children are planned and wanted.

YABVU by your reckoning I shouldn't exist, I was cruel to have dd2 :(. I actually find that a hurtful suggestion.

My dad died when I was 22, he was 50 when I was born. That doesn't mean I shouldn't exist. You can become ill at any age. One of my classmates lost her dad when she was 5, he was only 28 when he died. One of my friends was killed in an accident when he was 24. All of it was tragic and I'm sorry about you losing your Mum but she wasn't remotely too old to have you.. She just very sadly died young.