To think it's not fair on your children to have them at an older age....

[nobodyspecial]

In recent weeks I have been thinking alot about my Dad. He is in his late 70's and is quite ill. My eldest sibling is 42 this year and I'm 29 this year (I'm the youngest).
If I compare my life to my eldest siblings there are alot of differences. As I hit my 20's I had to think about my father's health alot and my constant worry about him started when I was in my last year of university. My eldest sibling at the same era in his life never had worries like this and had quite a nice time when my Mum and Dad were at their prime and healthy.

When my elder siblings were in their 20's my Dad could drive everywhere by himself, and they didn't have to worry about him and could get on with their life. Since I graduated my Dad has become more and more dependent on me to drive him everywhere and remind him constantly about medication; sometimes it's like talking to a child.

I love my Dad dearly and care for him is split between myself and older sibling, but I can't help but feel that my elder siblings have had more of a special time with our parents when they were in their prime and I've missed out on all of that. I sometimes feel they shouldn't have had me in such a late time in their life.

I just read this articleand this has confirmed how I feel. I know I am being unreasonable, but I can't help to feel this way. I decided I am not having any children past the age of 30 a long time ago because of how my life panned out.

I think if someone makes a conscious decision to have children late in life, then its not fair on the children when they grow up.

OP, My dad was 11 years older than my Mum. My Mum sadly passed away in 2010 but my Dad is still fit and still working post-retirement. I had to do a lot more 'caring for' my mum for reasons I won't go into here.
I believe your life is dependant many things, including the individuals around you (family), the wide and varied circumstances you are born into, what you choose to make of your life .... and luck!
My dad, despite being a good 10-15 years older than most of my friends dads, was the one who took us swimming loads (and when I say 'us' I mean half the kids in the street! He would often do double runs to the leisure centre to get us all there), built skateboard ramps, laid lino in the garage during our breakdancing phase, ran us about everywhere etc etc, when other dads couldn't be bothered/weren't interested. That's just because he's a great Dad.
I am about to have my second child at 36, first I had at 20. I do think my 2 children will have very different experiences of growing up, but I don't like to think about one of their experiences being better than the other.
My first child, although too young to remember, had to go through the very skint period of my life (when I went back to Uni) - my second child won't, as we are now very comfortable financially. Whislt I can see why this could be perceived as a benefit, my first child has amazing memories of her young childhood as we always found things to do which didn't cost much money. We spent quality time together.
I was full of beans when I had my first child, and we were always on the go. I may not have quite the same energy levels now compared to then (and have a more demanding job), but all my friends/family and having kids no, so my second child will be surrounded by cousins and my BFs children so I can get away with sitting about drinking tea whilst they create merry mayhem together, rather than being involved in the chaos myself whilst they play.
(Although, I am as fit now as I was in my early 20s, and have only just this week stopped going to the gym - at 7months pregnant - due to SPD/PGP)
My SILs mum has MS, and she will have to help care for her. SILs mum is 20 years younger than my dad.
My DHs grandparents are in their 80s and in amazing health- his grandpa still plays golf every week!
Sorry, I could go on.
I hope this changes your assumptions about 'older' ( I really don't like this concept, being only 36!) parents and parents-to-be, which seem to be based only on your very unique individual circumstances.

It's interesting how many "older" parents there are at DD's pre-school. I would say that half of us are in our late 30s/early 40s. I doubt DD will feel out of place at school having "older" parents. We all seem to be fit as fiddles and look younger than our age anyway. I feel much more vibrant at 40 than at 30.

If they'd not had you, then you wouldn't be here.

The situation you are in is a tough one, and you should look at getting more help (outside carers etc).

I didn't meet my lovely fiance until we were 30 so while it would have been lovely to have children earlier, I can't turn the clock back, but I know they will be born into a stable loving family and that he will be a fantastic father.

I'm 47 this year, dd is 11 and I love every minute with her (well, maybe not the whingey whiney ones - I'm a mum, not a martyr). I have loved crawling on the floor with her as a baby, pushing her on the swings til she was old enough to push herself, chase her and her friends around the playground at the end of the school day, go shopping with her now as she gets older and take her for Italian icecream at the end of it all. I'm not superfit. I'm a bit overweight, but looking to start my diet again after Easter (had started before Christmas, but fell off the wagon when I broke my wrist).

We're headed for Disneyworld at April - my idea, I've been desperate to go since we went to Eurodisney when she was 2, 3, 4 and 7. DD knows that I am older, because we've talked about the advantages and disadvantages of that fact. She has one surviving grandparent, 1 died before she was born, 2 died in the last few years. She has no cousins who are her age and none in the area. She does, however, have lots of friends. One is like a sister and has come on a short break with us last year. That was fun.

DD occasionally rolls her eyes at my juvenile approach to life but afterwards she'll admit it was funny or cool or she'll stand by the fact that I was too juvenile and I'll be compelled to apologise. I would bet all the money I have, not that I have huge amounts, but I'm comfortably off in my modest life, that dd wouldn't trade me for a mum who'd had her before she was 30.

Yes, I worry about us being old and her being alone but I'm encouraging her to have an adventurous life, to move away if necessary and to leave us to the mecy of the state, which is where we'd be if dd hadn't been born. Age is a number. Attitude is everything. I choose to be young in my head and my achey bones just have to fit around that :) When I'm proper old, dd will have to deal with it, like I had to deal with my mum when she was proper old. Hopefully dd will be in her 40's by then and I'll have dh to look after me. If not, we'll deal with it.

My dad was 26 when I was born, and he died at 59...
On the other hand my nana was 46 when she had my dad, and lived well into her 80's, in excellent health.

My friend's Mum died at 39 from a pre-senile form of dementia; Mum still has Grandad, Mum is 62 and Grandad 91.

It's just so unpredictable.

Nan was 42 when she had Dad, he was the 15th child and then she had another one. She was sick all his life- at five he was taken in to say goodbye to her but she never actually passed until he was 30, she was bedridden though. Instead of wondering what if... his take has always been 'how lucky am i that she did not die after all?'

of course families are hard, most people have some hang ups from theirs- i know I do! I think the trick is to accept that no family is perfect (I actually know some kids whose parents seem that way and who wish for more excitement and envy kids whose parents who have split for that reason alone...) and that life is unpredictable at best. We could all go tomorrow or when we are 105, who knows? All you can do is the best with what you are given and part of that may well be the age you meet your partner, conceive or can afford a baby.

Also OP can I ask how much help you get? A Carer's Assessment? respite?

being a Carer is tough (I have 4 kids with various degrees of SN from SEM to severe autism). It also impacts on your health so think seriously about whether you just might have depression as a result of the caring and trauma of seeing him fade. be honest with yourself- took me years to realise I had depression, and I ended up breaking down. The vast majority of carers I know end up on Anti depressants.

YABU. may i ask are you always this controlling?

Sancti-16 kids!!??
The mind fair boggles!

I know NowThen, in a 3 bed house- his was a VERY hard, poor childhood with working from age 5 and stealing food at times to eat.

LOTS of reasons in his childhood to consider making very different decisions about family (as they all did indeed, with my 4 children I am the largest family since) but parental age isn't one of those.

I'm not having a baby as i might die in childbirth. The baby might die. The baby might be SN. The ambulance might crash. I might get run over with the pram. I might get cancer and die. My child might get meningitus and die. My child or I could be murdered in our beds............

Who knows what can happen in life.

I'd love another baby after being fair to my SN child waiting until he is older as he needed me very much.Less now :) I'm 38 almost. Call me selfish, my choice.

Well, in an ideal world, you could decide and plan to have the "perfect" family at the "perfect" time but you very well know that life very rarely works out that way. Would you have children before 30 with someone unsuitable who treated you badly so that you could be a young mum? Would you forgo the opportunity to have children if, for whatever circumstances, you could not conceive until well over your 30s?
It is understandable that your own experience has shaped the way you see the world and that you are trying to prevent yourself and your children from going through the same but try as you might, you can't always control your future. I always said I would never have just one child (I am an only) but now I'm 36 and still unable to conceive, I would be extremely grateful if I could have a child, let alone any more.
Think about making the most of the time you spend with your Dad and about the positive side of being younger and able to look after him and spend more time with him now.
As for having children, it's up to you whether you want to or not but I don't think that you should base that decision on a self-imposed "cut-off" point given by your past experiences.

Luck of the draw, perfect come back, if i'm sneered at by young Mothers in the park..(as i've read on here) ...:(

HMC that is certainly NOT what I did and I offended that you would accuse me of trying to.
I have a very long posting history - I challenge you to find a single post where I take the piss out of someone for a.bad spelling or b. 'limited intelligence'

I was using the style to illustrate the style used on netmums. At no point did I say the poster was not intelligent. I said the OP was more
articulate NOT more intelligent.

So as the mother of a son with MLD who has only just learnt to write his name - I would ask you not to jump to conclusions.

Thanks

I come from a large family, there is 21 years between the youngest and oldest. I'm kindof in the middle.

I envy my younger sibs hugely, not because they got/get better Christmas/Birthday presents (and they did), but because of the very close relationship they have with my parents.

M&D were so chilled out by the time the youngest 2 were born they have always had a great relationship to the extent that one sib has never left home and the other has just moved back. They regards my Mum as a friend as much as a parent, and as one said why would I move out when I'm happy and comfortable here and live with someone who time I enjoy.
(they do both pay their way; and some. When my father was ill and dying it was never assumed by the rest of us that they would take up the job of helping Mum care for him.

In fact following discussion with my parents & sibs as I was a Nurse I moved home to help and my sibs paid my bills as I had to take unpaid leave.

Now I'm not saying that I have a 'bad' relationship with Mum, but it is no where near as relaxed as they do ,and I do sometimes feel that they got the best years.

Can I suggest that maybe your feelings are coming from being expected to care for your Dad, that you're feeling unsupported by your siblings and this is coming out as anger at your Dad.

Maybe you need to sit down with all of them and say that this is unfair and you all have to take equal share in the care?

Sorry HMC you hit a nerve.

I didnt mean to be so brutal. (well I did but I shouldnt have IYSWIM)

I am the youngest of 4 (13 year spread) and my parents were 45 and 40 when I appeared. I can understand some of your jealousy (we'll never have our parents around for as many years as our siblings) but really if you spend your life being jealous it will eat you up.

I never went on a gap year or wanted to be too far from my parents as I worried that each year could be their last but they are very fit and well in their 80s now and we have a great relationship.

I consider myself to be privileged to have been born when I was and I have always really appreciated them and the time I spent with them. I had my children in my 30s and am saddened that my parents won't see what they become but my FIL died suddenly at 59 and never met either of them so that saddens me more.

I guess to sum up I think you're looking at this the wrong way and therefore YABU.