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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

193 replies

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:12

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 06/03/2012 10:39

Oh sorry I just read what you wrote about the dirty clothes. Is she depressed? Or does she have some sort of special needs? Not caring about personal hygiene is very unusual for a 15 year old.

swallowedAfly · 06/03/2012 10:42

what's her relationship with her dad like?

bleedingheart · 06/03/2012 10:42

I'm also surprised that a 15yr old girl would have poor hygiene routines. Is something else going on do you think?
Your DH is undermining you in this situation too.

mumeeee · 06/03/2012 10:44

Pick your battles leave her bed and room to her. Don't go in there at all. But if she needs laundry done she has to bring or down or it doesn't get done. Don't tell her your looked on her account what she was saying was normal teenage behaviour and she probably doesn't mean it,

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 10:45

I do feel like I've messed up as a parent. Although god knows I've tried. I have two other DCs who help out and are happy to do so. She has battled me over everything since the day she could talk.

I hate the fact she doesn't care what she looks like. I'm not always made up to the nines but do at least make an effort! She tells me I'm shallow to care how I look.

She can be lovely when life is going her way. But very manipulative when it's not. I had an awful relationship with my mum and didn't want the same for her. I don't expect hours of chores from her. Last week I asked her to take the dinner out of the oven when the timer went while I picked her sister up from a club. Came home timer blaring, dinner burnt and she's sitting reading a book. Oblivious.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 06/03/2012 10:46

It sounds like there's something more going on than just bad behaviour to be honest.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername · 06/03/2012 10:47

OP - tell your daughter you've spoken to the school and they've told you she only gets, say, 3 hrs homework a night. And that if she's taking all night over it then she's not doing it right.

And grip your husband about how he's calling the younger sister stupid. Ask him point blank what problems he thinks he's storing up for the future. It's time for him to start being a proper father and stop being a prick.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 10:47

DH plays nice cop with her. He gives her the impression that she is clever so shouldn't have to do anything. However I'm a SAHM so obviously should.

She told me last week that if I ever divorce DH she wants to live with him not me because he understands her. :(

OP posts:
CailinDana · 06/03/2012 10:49

She sounds quite angry and mixed up. Would it be possible to have a long, frank talk to her about how she's feeling?

hackmum · 06/03/2012 10:49

Of course she's not doing homework for seven hours. Have a look at her Internet history - she's probably been on Facebook and Twitter and god knows what else. (If this is a family PC, it doesn't count as snooping, imho.)

I also think that you have made the mistake of assuming that bribing, pleading etc will work. If they carry on not working, there's no point in carrying on doing them. One sign of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. (Am not being superior here - I am equally pathetic in imagining that nagging my DD will work, given that it hasn't worked in the past.) But in "do as I say" mode you probably need to make certain stuff - pocket money, sleepovers, trips to the cinema etc - conditional on her doing chores around the house. If she doesn't stack the dishwasher, put her clothes away etc, then she doesn't get pocket money. Or whatever.

mumeeee · 06/03/2012 10:49

Just seen that your DD will wear dirty clothes if you don't wash them. That's not normal for a 15 year old. She should also be leaving the bathroom clean after she has used it. I think you and your DH
need to sir down and talk with her. Speak to your DH first.

thebody · 06/03/2012 10:59

I have 4 Dcs, 3 now past teens. Yes they were lazy, untidy and couldn't load z dishwasher but they were clean and preened to excess, never ever were cruel or unkind to me or younger siblings, went out with friends and tbh did enough school work to pass exams and no more.

I have no ad vice to offer you but I guess you and dh need to get a grip of her she sounds a spoilt, unpleasant brat who you have made smug to you and her sibling as she is 'clever'!

She should at least have minimum hygiene standards and be pleasent!

Raise your bar!

TheSecondComing · 06/03/2012 11:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquidgyBiscuits · 06/03/2012 11:03

Look your bargaining tool is going to be the computer.

Check how much homework she actually has and limit computer use to that. She will then have to earn further time on it by pulling her weight.

I have a niece who sounds very similar, but she's a fucking know it all to boot. Reasoning with her is impossible as she has an answer for everything so I don't reason with her I tell her. Whenever she stays with us she has to earn computer time, and my sis now does the same. It had worked. She still doesn't want to do the chores but she does them. She wasn't washing etc either, and has time docked for it.

SardineQueen · 06/03/2012 11:04

I feel rather sorry for your other DD TBH if your DH lets the older one be horrible because she is special in his eyes.

I think you need to rethink as a family, how you work, who does what, how you treat each other TBH. And your DH needs to be on board so you can present it as a done deal to the kids. Can you get him on board?

SquidgyBiscuits · 06/03/2012 11:05

If she wears dirty clothes just gather them up in a bin bag. When she has nothing left to wear (clean or otherwise) she'll soon change her tune.

MadameChinLegs · 06/03/2012 11:16

Your DD does not have 6 hours of homework a night...if she did, she woulndn't have time for hotmail convos with her friends. Even if she did, by some hand of cruel teacher, have 6 hours of homework, it would not all need to be done on the PC. I'd say, if it were me, the PC is avaliable to her before dinner, and any PC related work/research she needs to do needs to be done before dinner. After dinner, there is NO access to the PC allowed, and she must do the remaining 'paper' part of her homework. I'd probably also threaten to contact her head of year to discuss the sheer quantity of work she is being assigned.

As for her contributing round the house, i'd give each of your DCs (so it's fair) their own plate, cup, bowl, glass and cutlery. After each meal, I'd expect it to be scraped and either sat at the sink to await a wash or put in the dishwasher. Only those that have been returned are cleaned for next time. It is a rather childish way to treat certainly a 15 year old, but hey, if she's not prepared to accept the housework that comes with maturity. I'd also let them 'plate up' in the kitchen and bring what they need to the table (including you and your DP) so there is no setting of the table needed, and they are all responsible for getting what they need.

Again, give her the onus to take care of her own stuff- either a laundry basket in her room which you wash once a week or she must put her stuff in a communal basket. ONLY wash her benlongings if it is in either of these locations. Do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT pick up after her. She will never learn. She will either kick off that you haven't washed something OR kick off that you have washed something that was on the floor and clean and she was planning on wearing that night but can't now as it's in the wash.

I wouldn't argue over keeping her room tidy (unless she shares it with someone) just insist she brings cups/plates etc downstairs every morning and any laundry is put in a designated place.

Tell your DH that you are cracking the whip and he can either support you in it, or you will cease to do HIS chores.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 11:17

SardineQueen - no I can't get him on board and she knows that. I'm screwed aren't I?

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 06/03/2012 11:20

Oh dear.

Can't he see that his favouritism is unfair on your younger DC, and that pandering to your DD is not actually good for her?

I don't know what to suggest.

I wonder if this is a problem with you and DH, and your DDs behaviour is a symptom IYSWIM.

TheSecondComing · 06/03/2012 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shewhowines · 06/03/2012 11:34

Chores first - computer time after.
The chores won't take long if she does it without moaning.

She doesn't hate you - normal teenage angst at the unfairness of life.

But she doesn't respect you and that's not right.

Set some ground rules down and stick to them. She need to pull her weight as a normal member of the family. Money does not work. Computer time will. If she makes a fuss she needs to show you all the homework she has done and you will need to check up on her at very regular intervals to see which sites she is on -i.e. the removal of her privacy.

Don't let on you've read her stuff. She will lose even more respect for you and will allow her to convince herself she is in the right.

Don't allow her to treat you like a fool. Respect should be your new mantra.
Respect for her family and her need to contribute to it.

MissVerinder · 06/03/2012 11:35

http://www.netnanny.co.uk/ I think you need this

Set it up one night, just block the social networking sites and see how longit is before she comes thundering downstairs.

Tell DH it's because you've had some "unsavoury" pop-ups when you've been on the PC and you're worried about it.

titchy · 06/03/2012 11:37

Well if he's so keen for her to not lift a finger let him run around after her!

Seriously just stop. And that probably goes for doing stuff for your dh too if that's his attitude.

Oh and remove the internet access after 7 - she categorically does not have 6 hours of homework a night. If she does then she aint that clever cos it's obviously taking her way longer to do than it should.

bleedingheart · 06/03/2012 11:57

She has taken the message from your DH that you are not to be respected. He doesn't back you up and encourages divisions amongst your children.
He is the problem and he needs to support you on this.
Even if you did sit on your arse all day and do nothing, her behaviour would be out of order.
Ignoring the timer beeping and burning snell? Something isn't right here.

swallowedAfly · 06/03/2012 12:11

sounds like she's his honorary son and you and younger dd are 'just' females.