To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

[cathkidstonbag]

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

If your DH thinks that because she's doing well at school she needs to have someone acting as her servant then I suggest that he does it

Two separate issues here

She needs to be helping - for sure - everyone on the thread agrees on that

The thing you read - separate issue - I say try to forget it.

At 15 i had a minimum of 4 hours homework a night. If i went to guides i had to do 5/6 hours a night on some of the other days. So,she may well have lots of homework, but 20 mins tidying can be fitted in aound teatime?

Firstly, my school were big on homework. We got some for most lessons, about 3-4 hrs per night which I didn't do

Secondly, unplug the router whilst she's doing her "homework" and you'll probably find she does it a lot quicker.

Thirdly, why are you ASKING her to watch the younger 2 for 10 minutes? I'm damn sure my mother didn't do much asking when I was behaving like a spoilt brat.

Fourthly, stop washing her clothes etc. my mother took the viewpoint of I it isn't in the wash it isn't for the wash. I soon started putting my dirty washing in the basket when I had nothing left to wear.

Don't mention the emailing! My mother never invaded my privacy (that I know of) which I appreciated a lot. DH's mother had no boundaries and rifled through his things, opened his post etc and we both thought she was a witch over the top.

I don't think you should talk to her about what she said to her friend, she is entitlted to private thoughts. I would tell her that everything she does on the PC leaves a traceable footprint and you know she hasn't been doing homework. I would also give her chores to do everyday.....how has she got to fifteen without one?

no way is she doing homework for anything near that length of time - i was a secondary school teacher for four years and no way do i believe it. in any case not all homework needs to be done on the computer - there is no way on earth she needs or should have hours and hours and hours of computer access every single day let alone that you should all be tiptoeing around like minions and doing all of her dirty work for her.

i think clearing up our own shit is part of what makes us humble personally, as in not arrogant little brats who think they are the bees knees and everyone else exists to serve them.

stop washing anything that doesn't make it to the laundry basket for one thing. start limiting computer time or just turn off the internet after 7 - if she has any 'research' she genuinely has to do for school then it has to be done by then - bet you find when the internet isn't on she suddenly doesn't have another 4hrs work to do on the computer!

if you don't want to have a daily battle about chores then use saturday mornings, give her a clear list of things she has to do on that day (which will contain the nagging and confrontation to one morning ideally). by that age i used to have to clean upstairs and tidy my room on a saturday morning - re scrub the bath, toilet, sink, dust everywhere and hoover and clear up my own shit tip room and iron any clothes i wanted for going out that weekend.

you've taken on college and starting a business so you can use this as a line in the sand, that you have more on your plate now and you need her to pitch in and she needs to learn how to take care of herself now. you might not want her to clean upstairs - you could just give her the kitchen and bathroom to give a proper weekly clean on a saturday - some ironing - whatever.

good luck

sorry you had to read what you did - must sting! i think if i had a close relationship and they had any respect for my feelings i'd maybe talk about how i felt they'd lost respect, treated me like i was stupid or a slave or whatever with them in terms of how it makes you feel etc but without saying you saw the email. if not i wouldn't bother as you probably wouldn't get anywhere.

(i also had part time work by this age actually)

I have to agree with JsOtherHalf - I recall having a lot of homework at that age ten years ago - probably a good 3-4 hours a night, if I wanted some weekend time free to have a semblance of a life. But it would definitely be good for her to help out more, or she'll leave home not knowing how to look after herself.

And hard as it is, I wouldn't take her comments to heart - she doesn't realise how demanding it is, keeping a home, because she's never made to help out. It's normal for teenagers to vent their hormonal rage at those nearest and dearest and really not mean it - I'm sure I did, and my parents are wonderful people.

I agree with PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn. I guess that means I'm nasty and mean too

I also agree with SardineQueen. If DH thinks his daughter deserves a servant - I volunteer him for the job.

Oooh be very careful about your daughter getting the message that being clever is an excuse to get out of chores.

So she is getting excellent marks - fantastic! She does lots of homework - hurrah!

Really though, very clever children can be very good at using their IQ as a bit of a blunt instrument - they love an argument (it distracts you from the original point you were trying to make), and there's perhaps the veiled threat that if you don't treat them as "speshul" they might just stop being an A grade student, and of course, that will be all your fault.

Don't engage in petty arguments about chores. Keep the mood light. Don't let on you read her hotmail (par for the course for a teenager btw). You have fewer levers to pull if your DD doesn't go out much and already has no pocket money.

Can I suggest surprising her by taking her out for a pizza etc and having a chat (not nag or accusation) about how you really want her to contribute to housework. Stress that in 3 years time she will probably be off to uni and so this is not an endless road of drudgery she is embarking on. Don't plead or beg but offer her some choices - what does she feel able to take on?

Also, a clever teenager does not require hours of study every night to get great marks. She may not be working as effectively as she could be. I know plenty of teenagers who got As and A* on far, far less than 6 hours study a night.

Btw buy this it may help!

Thanks all so much. Really just confirming what I know. It's a struggle because DH does indeed see her as special which she uses to her advantage (ie telling her younger sister she is thick and can't use the ox because she doesn't need it like she does). Behaviour which I think is abhorrent and DH just shrugs about.

I have tried getting her to help by telling her how much I have to do all day. Her response was I should just leave it if it's too much for me. She has a shared bathroom with her sister that she leaves filthy. She thinks nothing of not even flushing the toilet.

If I don't wash her clothes she will wear them dirty. She rarely showers and quite frankly she often smells. I guess I worry that add dirty clothes to that and nobody will want to be her friend.

Ox?? Pc that should say!!

My DSC are teens and do not spend that long every night doing homework, but they do spend a lot of time working on the run up to exams.
Helping out around the house is not much to ask, ours have few chores, but do them pretty willingly.
I give the kids a laundry basket in their bedrooms - the clothes they put in there will be washed and delivered back to them. When they were not being very co-operative, any items left on the floor got left there - but when they are being helpful, I might also be a bit more accommodating.
I don't think you should suddenly become more draconian at home, but a subtle introduction of what you expect your DD to do - with your DH's full support would not be a bad idea. Preparing our kids for Uni and the big bad world, also involves life skills such as tidying/cleaning/cooking, etc.
I bought DSD a cook book last week (she does not cook, but this is a 'student' cookbook in preparation for Uni in a year or so..) and I was rendered almost speechless last night when she said she'd like to cook something from it.
Shame for you that you read the hotmail stuff as it must have been so hurtful, I'd not let on you've read it, but would let it stiffen my resolve to cut her a bit less slack as she is taking you all for mugs!

I've got a 15 yo, who is in the top set for everything, and he doesn't get 6 hours of homework a night. He is, also, in bed way before 11, otherwise he'd be too tired to concentrate and work effectively at school the next day.

I have a 17yo taking 5 AS levels this year, and yes he gets lots of homework and revision, coursework and reading. But most days you'd be hard pushed to make it last 6 hours, TBH.

She is taking you for a bit of a ride. She isn't doing homework all the time she is on the computer. Stop pussy footing around her. The whole family can not possibly be quiet while she spends 6 hours dipping in and out of homework and social networking sites.

I do make my DC's beds because they have to leave the house by 7.20 to get the bus to school. They are expected to put their dirty clothes in the wash basket, tidy their rooms and do other chores as well. They do it, or they don't go out!

No 15 yr olds realy dont have that much homework every night she is wanting ont he computer to do homework and be on the internet My dd used to try and fool me at that age , I decided facebook and msn was not homework you need to set her pc time for homework , do you look at the homework she has to do ? she is taking the pee TBH ,

your husband calls his younger child thick because his precious is ont he computer PFFT !! sorry that is awful , you need to put your foot down or his princess will be walking all over him at 30 , sorry i dont mean to be so rude about your daughter

I wouldn't stand for her telling her sister she is thick, TBH. Does her sister get homework that requires use of the PC? If so I would tell the older one that as she is so clever she can get on with her homework without the PC until her sister has finished using it!

I'm sorry I don't know what you can do about the not showering etc as I have no experience of it.

I agree with swallowedafly. Tell her that the internet gets switched off at 7 so to do any research before then and do her writing up after.

She's taking the piss.

If she is super bright then presumably likely to go off to Uni, so needs to know how to look after herself. This is an important life skill. My DCs put their dirty clothes in their laundry baskets, make their beds, tidy (ish) their rooms, put stuff in the dishwasher, cos if they don't then they don't get to do what they want to do.

right going to be frank now i'm afraid. if your 15yo has made it this far without learning basically discipline over personal hygene, flushing a toilet, picking up dirty underwear etc then you have seriously fucked up and you have very little time left to sort it out.

you have an unwashed, ill disciplined, lazy and arrogant teen on your hands who spends over 6hrs a day on the computer and has no interest in a social life or motivation to have pocket money etc. that's a bit of a recipe for disaster - clever isn't enough to lead a healthy productive happy life.

In regards to room, when I was a similar age and from the sounds of it quiet like your daughter, my mum took pictures of my dirty room and threatened to hand copies of them round school. I was very very angry at the time but I did keep my room much cleaner after that I also found the pictures and burned them. My mum and I now have a brilliant relationship because we don't have to live together and I understand how much trouble I was as a teenager.

I also think your DH is being an arse.

oh she said it not your husband sorry misread still out of order though , IME children who are clever can be really cruel and manipulative , my dd is a brain box but can be really cutting and a bit above herself if i let her , its not easy but her grades wont suffer if she washes the dishes ,

be a bit cruel*

seriously what do you see your job as a parent as being? what skills, qualities and abilities do you think a parent should equip their children with? what habits should they help them get into? what should they help them avoid? etc etc.

the life she is living is not preparing her for life at all - unless you count unemployment, isolation and sitting on the internet all day as a life

Homework is part of her "day job" - she should be helping in the house as well, simply because she is part of the family. You've got your work cut out now if you never made her help before though - my dcs have been expected to help since they were little - definitely picking up after themselves as well as setting the table, clearing the table, going to the shop for me - more as they get older. Now they are 10, 8 and 6 and responsible for one weekend meal every week. They have to decide together what they are going to make, I buy the ingreds and they cook and wash up.

Don't try to reason and explain - she won't care - decide what you expect, tell her the new rules and enforce consequences for non-compliance. Take away money, computer, tv, going-out time, whatever it takes. She is taking you for a ride!

Do you know what, when you read Swallow's post from 10:26 it doesn't sound good at all, does it? I would be concerned about what she's doing online, does she have some sort of addiction going on? is she being bullied or bullying because that is not normal behaviour. And 15 yo girls usually do care about being dirty and smelly.

I think there's something going on here above and beyond the normal teenage PITA. I would start with severely restricting PC use to 2 hours a night max - homework does not all need to be done on a computer FFS. Just take the plug out. I think from that you will get an extreme reaction and from that you will maybe be able to understand the steps to take next. I would be concerned as much as angry - this isn't right.

My mother stopped doing our washing when my sister and I were about 11. I think that was perfectly fair - she wasn't our maid and it was totally possible for us to get the washing done at weekends. We were motivated to do it by the fact that we wouldn't have clean clothes if we didn't.

On another note - do you have any idea why she's so angry? Does she genuinely feel like you don't understand what's going on with her?