To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

[cathkidstonbag]

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

Gosh there is so much going on here.

DD needs to do some chores, everyday.

Dh and you need to talk and agree you have to show a united front.

You need to forget you saw your DDs private conversation. She needed to let off steam, just as you are here.

You need to stop thinking so negatively about your DD. She will be picking up on your feelings towards her. I have 2 teenage DDs so know they go through "challenging" periods. But at the end of the day, you are the adult. You and DH need to sort this so DD starts behaving like a member of the family.

She can't be all bad if she is working hard and doing well at school. It's fantastic that she is doing this. There are so many threads on here where teenagers don't seem to give a damn about school work, so try to think some positive thoughts about her and work from there.

I think your DH needs to see this thread and these opinions.

It's very interesting that your DH never changed a bed until he was 25, it looks like his mum did everything for him up to then and may explain his attitude regarding you going round after your DD.

My two DCs are constantly told that they are part of this household, and that while I may be at home temporarily while looking for another job, they must do their fair share of chores (and I allocate age appropriate stuff, they are aged 11.5 and 8).

Both of my DCs are intelligent, but I would be failing as a mother if I did not prepare them for adult life and therefore expect them to do the chores allocated. MY DP is fully on board with this and expects the same. It's telling that his mum was the same and had him doing chores when he lived at home.

Good point quick.

Try and be as positive as possible and praise the fact she is committed to school work but say that there are other expectations too.

It is very easy to get into a negative relationship where there is resentment on both sides. Try to step back if you can and offer your time as a reward for being on board with the new changes (shopping/cinema/doing her hair for her/playing board games) or anything really that involves you building up a better relationship and having fun together.

Have clear expectations and consequences for not conforming. Be consistent and bribe reward good efforts.

i second showing these posts to DH and trying to get him on board but if not you can demand respect from her even if he's hindering the process. Easier said than done I know but until you get respect from her your understandable resentment is going to hinder your relationship with her.

You've got to be cruel to be kind.

She is walking all over you and so is your dh.

As the sahp, dealing with the children is primarily your 'job'. As things stand your dh is giving your dc the clear message that mummy doesn't really matter, because daddy gets final say and can completely override what you are trying to instil in your dc. If he was mine, I would tell him to stop bloody undermining me and let me do my 'job'. If he goes out to work everyday and leaves you to deal with this crap every day, then he has to accept that you get more say in day to day decisions. Most of this is his fault, for indulging this shit - he is ruining her.

Now, your dd. I would have no hesitation in telling her that I had seen her comments and that I was both hurt and angry. I would cancel her hotmail account and her fb/twitter and confiscate her iphone. Access to all of these would have to be earned back, starting with a daily shower, dirty clothes put in laundry hamper, co operation when it comes to chores. Her computer time would be heavily supervised and my mac would be off limits. Why should she use your stuff when she has no respect for you?

Time for you to claw back authority in your own home. Please stop letting your husband treat you like a second class citizen.

I wouldn't let my husband anywhere near MN if he couldn't back me up in front of my child.

Have only read first page, but of course she doesn't have that much homework on a daily basis!! Duh!! Probably a couple of hours and the rest of the time she is using it to socialise. Get tough for gods sake, I am annoyed by you and your silly dh indulging her. Or she will end up being one of these kids who go to uni at 18 and can't boil an egg or wash their clothes. Gah!!

15 year must have their own laptop and 6 hours isnt excessive OKAY THEN !!! pfft we have a shared computer my poor neglected children i do feel for them ,

TBJ tbh it's probably not worth them going to school if they don't have their own macbook, they couldn't possibly get their gcses without one. SS now check dcs have their own bed, iphone and macbook when deciding if a child is neglected. all a child has to do is tell their form tutor they don't have a laptop and the child welfare officer is called in and refers them on.

OP - i say change the password on the mac tomorrow and when she comes in from school tell her what chores you want her to do. then let her huff off upstairs refusing and thinking she's going on your computer. when she explodes say oh i decided to change my password because someone had been mucking around with it which is a bit rich given it's my computer. then explain you've had enough of her using computer and expecting favours from you when she refuses to do anything you ask or behave in a basically respectful considerate manner.

tell her if she's willing to do the chores you've already asked her to do you'll let her borrow your computer for a couple of hours later.

there's not going to be an easy or smooth route - you just have to draw a line in the sand and stand firm.

we have A pc not even an iphone in this house

Mrsjay I am now calling Esther Rantzen on behalf of your poor neglected children.

I anticipate they will be in a heart rendering tv appeal before too long-

"a donation of just 45quid a month will buy little Jimmy or someone like little Jimmy a 17" MacBook pro. Please give all you can spare."

Little Jimmy school work will suffer and he wont be able to update his status this is isolating for Little Jimmy , Please dontate for little jimmy in his hour of need you are his only hope

Unlike his friends little Jimmy is unable to watch amusing clips of cats falling out of trees on YouTube and can only dream of adding 'lmfao' on the comments board.

This Christmas all he wants is to illegally download old episodes of 'pimp my ride' and 'skins.'

Jimmy is waiting for your call (not Skype)

Little Jimmy can not even troll mumsnet during the school holidays. He feels alienated from his peers.

Donate now on 0800-you're-gullible!

We can do this: a charity for over privileged children. Little Jimmy and other second-homeless children like him need suffer no more.

Get Geldof, Bonio and Desmond Tutu involved and we are onto a winner.

you are all silly poor little jimmy

DD1 is saving for a mac at the moment they use them on her music production course she goes into the apple shop and strokes them

Cathkidstonbag- I told my 16 year old about your dd this morning. When she stopped laughing she said that your dd was her new hero, and she and her friends were "so going to see if they could get away with that!"

She's taking the piss. Stop falling for it.

No 15 year old gets that much homework, don't be upset by what she wrote as that's what teenagers do, but you need to stand your ground. Explain that as she is SO bright she will no doubt get a place in university and needs to know how to look after herself, so here is her first lesson in how to work th ewashing machine. Imo, your DH is not helping and you need to let him know how you feel. It's not unreasonable to expect her to keep an eye on your other for 10 minutes either, not all the time as they are your kids not hers but occassionally is fine.

Feck me, I'm a terrible mother... I didn't get DS1 a laptop of his own til he was off to uni... I actually expected him to share with the rest of his family .

I think you should show this thread to your DH, OP. If I showed mine the sort of vitriol that your DD was spouting about you, he would be absolutely furious. This is because, first and foremost, he is my partner, my friend, we chose each other. If we have a problem with the way the other parents (and we do from time to time), we discuss it out of earshot of the children. He is undermining you, and allowing bullying from your DD. I hope that he realises this before the pair of them have done too much damage to your younger DD, and to your family dynamic.

Me neither, shockers. Why deprive them of negotiation skills? Why put them in a position where the only thing they have to do is to go online?

yep poor little johnny might actually have to go outside and do something in the real world like hang out with real life fleshy friends.

before i get called a hypocrite i'm 36 years old with a young child at home rather than an anti social teenager growing up without social skills.

little johnny should be out drinking cheap cider and hanging around bus shelters at this age surely?

OP - how is it going? any progress?

Progress? No. tried to discuss it with DH last night. He refuses to see a problem and thinks my ideas of "punishment" are too cruel.

My ideas were that she would come home and help round the house for half an hour. Then after tea if her room was reasonably tidy and she had behaved okay she could do homework etc until 9pm at which time the pc would be switched off.

Ffs Op grow some balls and tell both of them what the changes are. If the computer your Dd is using is yours, kick her off it and confiscate her phone, start parenting her rather than tiptoeing around her. As for your DH tell him to grow a pair.

But it is a problem. Tell him that you are bearing the brunt of her bad behaviour and will be changing how things are done and expect him to support you. You are the sahp and you are the one she is treating like shit, so you have every right to tackle that.

There is something wrong with a man who thinks it is fine for his teenage child to treat her mother like this and expects you to just suck it up. This would be causing serious ructions in my family, to the point that I would be considering separation if he didn't back me up. You need to reign her in, now, before she gets older and ruder. start by withdrawing her use of your mac until chores are done.