To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

[cathkidstonbag]

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

which would set her against her own gender and make her very vulnerable to certain types of men i suspect.

My 15 year old DD tries to tell me that she HAS to use the family pc to do her homework and that she doesn't have time to do her chores. I always offer to write a letter to her teacher to explain why homework isn't done. But since she doesn't want me to explain the state of her room or her lack of consideration to her teachers she manages to find time to do her chores first :o

However...I have to do this A LOT!

I agree with some of the other posters that she should do her chores (and shower) before being allowed computer time. And make sure that her sisters get regular time on the pc too.

Sympathies, OP. I'm shit at grumpy teenage management as well.

My middle one (definitely not gifted, excepted in the sense of currently thinking he's god's gift to the performing arts) would try on most of the stuff you've mentioned, including genuinely not noticing things were burning if he was doing something else.

Conversations go like this:
Me: DS, have you had washed your hair within living memory?
DS: No! And it's too late/I'm busy/'s clean enough/it's my hair and I like it like this...
Me: You pong, and your room smells of socks.
DS@ So? I'll use deodorant then IF YOU'RE SO BOTHERED.

Me: DS, set the table while I do this.
DS: Why? Why do I have to DO EVERYTHING? I emptied the dishwasher yesterday/fed the cat on Saturday...

I have been away and back and i think you have had some great responses but please dont beat yourself up about this , It sounds like she has been put on this pedastal by her dad , She has got ubove herself thats all and tbh its not that rare for children to be like this , you have done nothing wrong , she may not want to plaster herself with make up etc but she has to keep herself clean and she needs to learn to be aware of others around her , she has all about her syndrome , My dd suffers from this its a struggle but you need to put your foot down , and be strong you can do this , switch the router off give her set times for the computer , take it baby steps and if dad wont support you then tough she has to contribute to familiy life

TSC 'if she spends her time online it's not right she's depressed...on mumsnet!

I'm not on MN for 6 hours a night though and I've had my shower ta!

teenagers would be on the internet 24/7 if we let them dds are always showing me youtube clips or whatever on their phones , i have just llearned tp put the wiifi off at night DUH now onder dd2 was so tired in the morning , Her PAYG sim doesnt have money for internet use , but silly me thought that was fine untill i saw the router flashing 1 night at 11.30 [shock}

Your DH is right and you should not have looked at her mail, that's nearly as bad as looking in her diary. As to the rest; refuse to do her washing and ironing and no pocket money till she tidies her room to an acceptable level. Most teenagers are a self absorbed pita but they grow of it eventually.

Having tried to sort the pc out this afternoon I realise that the password on it has been set by DD herself. She spends a lot of time doing stuff on the pc, setting up folders for work etc. she obviously knows far more about it all than I do. She also has an iPhone (DH bought her) so if I take away of access presumably I need to take her phone away too?

It's a family PC, therefore the passwords should be all the same and something all the family know.

Who exactly is the parent here?

OK OP I was on your side up to now but you need to get into that computer and get the passwords changed quick fast. You're the parent and you need to be in control.

Yes I have now changed the password! I was just somewhat shocked that she is trying to take charge of things like that. Less time spent doing that and more time spent tidying her room I think.

I don't think I spent more than an hour a week on homework in Y11, less if I could get away with it. Granted I didn't get 10As, and the teachers didn't check up on much, but I doubt the people in my year who got 10As worked for six hours a night! Any ordinarily intelligent person working for 6 hours a night should get full marks in all their GCSEs no problem....

I wouldn't believe her and I'd have felt guilty about lying to my parents about that kind of thing.

I'd be rich if I had a pound for every time I say "the world does not revolve round you........"

keep us up to dat cath she is going to really kick of at the changes you are making she will be livid but stay strong post here , you can do this oh and set up a P C Rota ,

date*

Am so sorry for you but obviously your dh doesn't respect you, your dd is copying him and u seem to have no self respect or regard for u!!

Sit dh down and show him these comments! He's a twat and spoiling dd, what a shame for your other dd. poor kid!

Go got it cath, never too late, time to sort them both out!

She's either lying about the homework or not as clever as she thinks she is if she can't organise her work more efficiently...plus she's playing you off against your husband... you need a united front.

It isn't compulsory to be a brat just because you are 15.

Sit her down, set some fair and reasonable rules and stick to them. Oh and if DH can't act like a proper parent tell him at least to stop undermining you and show a modicum of parental responsibility.

I think this is your husband's fault. He has taught DD1 that intelligence/grades make you better than other people. Thus, when she's feeling hard-done-by, after being asked to flush the toilet, and trying to find justification, she then looks at your educational achievements. Because she's already been taught that's a valid way to judge worth.
If your husband had told her consistently that she was beautiful, and that entitled her to special treatment, she'd criticise your looks, in order to justify not flushing the toilet.

Don't worry about the specifics of what she said. The details aren't important.

You need to stop this attitude in your household. Otherwise DD1 will grow up to have few friends, and DD2's self-esteem will be destroyed even more than it already has been.

I can't imagine growing up, being told that my homework was pointless because I was thick, and seeing all the facilitation go to my sibling.

If her iphone uses wifi you might be able to change the settings on your router to stop it from working? There's no way all homework needs to be done on the computer...

and i forgot to say poor you... my sister was always able to get out of chores etc, we're all grown up now (supposedly) but I still rather resent the way she was treated differently for no real reason (she wasn't brainy either!!)

In an alternate universe, the DD is probably ranting over MSN about having more shapely big toes than the rest of the family, and how that means it's hugely unfair that she has to take her own plates to the dishwasher.

I'd say it's a good thing she has an I-Phone which she loves. It's the perfect item to confiscate when she acts like she is.

OP if you did a thread in relationships you would be able to talk about your DH and the family dynamic and see if you can find some ways to move forward. His attitude and approach are just not good enough IMO.