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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

193 replies

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:12

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

OP posts:
swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 21:14

step mother karma. which makes it worse of dh because you really need his back up in dealing with her.

it is your computer. don't let her go on it anymore, that much is up to you and can't be undermined by your dh.

i think you need tell him how his not backing you up is making you feel and that you can't live like this being a skivvy to an insolent 15yo.

amazed he thinks doing half an hour of chores is 'cruel'! does he do anything around the house?

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 21:15

tbh if he and she are treating you and your daughter awfully and refuse to address it then it could come to separation couldn't it? i hope you can get across how important this is.

shockers · 07/03/2012 22:44

I didn't think the OP was her DDs step mother...

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 07/03/2012 22:48

No I'm not her stepmother. Have the c section scar to prove it!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 22:59

your husband is a complete pillock

is he so stupid in the rest of his life ?

I am in no way casting aspersions here, and you will hate me for bringing this up, and I will get flamed no doubt

but his blinkered protection of one of his dc at the expense of the respect of his wife is worrying

the last time I had experience of that, there was a worrying motive behind it

your proposed sanctions are completely reasonable, and in fact very generous

your husband's dismissal of them, and refusal to see reason where your dd is concerned rings alarm bells for me

sorry

shockers · 07/03/2012 23:03

I thought not.
On this thread it's so easy to give advice, but I know how very difficult it is to change attitudes, especially when you are living in the same home. Your DH is not right in his differentiation between your children though, and he is breeding an atmosphere of bullying. It will be hard to 'get tough' about it when your alpha male and eldest child decide that they are the pack leaders... but this is not the animal kingdom and you are clearly a lovely, intelligent woman.
You will have to be very strong and have clear and concise reasons for sanctions. Good luck and keep posting.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 07/03/2012 23:03

AF can you elaborate on that at all? As to the motive I mean. Because at the moment all I'm seeing is he has no respect for me so they are coping that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 23:06

I will pm you, cath

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 23:07

if that's ok

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 07/03/2012 23:09

Yes that's fine. Pm me please.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 23:13

cath, I am pressing "message poster" and it's simply taking me to the top of the thread

ffs

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 23:14

if anyone else is around, please could you attempt to message the Op and see what happens, please

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 23:15

ok, seems to be working now

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 23:18

i get a message box appear AF so must just be you.

sorry OP i don't know where i got that she was your step daughter from - may have muddled two threads and it kind of made sense given the seeming lack of authority you have in the house and his refusal to back you up in disciplining her.

she's YOUR DD!! just do it, don't wait for his permission.

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 23:19

x posted glad it's working AF. can imagine what you're sending - did have a bit of a hairs on the back of my neck earlier in this thread but shook it off.

AnyFucker · 07/03/2012 23:26

my Sky connection has been playing up recently, but have managed to pm now I think

Vicky2011 · 07/03/2012 23:26

Your DH is definitely at the root of all this cath. I see elements of myself in how you describe your DD1 - I'm getting the sense that she is a bit blokey, doesn't really like her contemporaries and if she must work it will be "proper" brain work not boring housework. I was all those things and it's no doubt why I'm a WOHM who never wears makeup or and who hoovers once a fortnight Grin. Feel the need to point out I shower twice a day though! I think it's very common for "blokey" women to relate to their fathers more than to their mothers but that makes it all the more critical that your DH is a good influence on her. His treatment of DD1 as "special" is as damaging to her as it is to your other children. I think you need to think about your options. I would advise seeing a counsellor yourself initially to hopefully improve your self-esteem (and also I'm assuming that your DH would not agree to counselling!) as you undoubtedly need to be more assertive with both people who seem to think they are head of household. Then you can talk to your husband as an equal and hopefully make some progress.

Just a final thought - and I've no idea what family finances are - would boarding for your DD1's last 3 years be an option? I know it's stupid money but it might allow your younger children some breathing space and also teach DD1 some life skills. As I say, just a thought.

mummmsy · 07/03/2012 23:27

just a thought from reading the other comments - would your attitude to chores, cleanliness, compliability be different if your dd was, in fact, your ds?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 07/03/2012 23:34

You mean would I still expect a DS to do chores? Hell yes!

AF - thank you. Have replied.

OP posts:
EightiesChick · 07/03/2012 23:36

I think the 'DD1 as honorary son' theory is spot on. I had really hoped that your husband would see some sense over this. Can you tell him to ask his colleagues and friends what their teenage daughters do around the house? cos I bet he would quickly find out that he is very out of step with what most parents ask of their teenagers. Not that this alone will shift him but it might raise some awareness that this isn't just your opinion.

This total lack of respect from your husband is a major issue. He is basically telling you that you're not a co-parent, you're his subordinate. Your DD2, poor girl, is even further down the pecking order. For her sake and yours, this has to stop. If he doesn't see the need for punishing DD1, how does he / would he react to the suggestion that at the very least DD2 needs to have computer time for her own homework, so therefore her sister needs to give some of hers up? Does he not recognise his younger daughter's claim to any of the resources (time included) in the family? If so I am very Sad for her and you.

Do you have RL friends who you could talk this through with? I know you are getting support here, but it must be so hard to face the hostility and contempt of your own family without backup.

Definitely get the school on your side. Make them aware of her homework high jinks and find out (get it in writing) exactly what she has to do. Ask if they can supply you with a homework diary for her at least for the near future so you are fully informed and can tell her that you are.

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 23:38

the honorary son was me eighties. it is like he's putting her in one class and his wife and other dd in another.

EightiesChick · 07/03/2012 23:38

Has your husband told your DD that you read her email? I would not be at all surprised if he did, given that he sees to view the family as him and DD1 vs. the rest of you. Definitely keep that quiet, to retain the tactical advantage as well as for other reasons, but be prepared for him to snitch on you.

EightiesChick · 07/03/2012 23:39

swallowedAfly oh yes, sorry I lost track. Totally agree.

swallowedAfly · 07/03/2012 23:40

he would tell her. my dad would have told me.

i remember a lot of conversations that began, 'don't tell your mother but...'

flippinada · 08/03/2012 19:14

Gah, I just typed a post and then lost it.

cath, it doesn't surprise me one bit that your DH hasn't backed you upon this. I agree with other posters who say he is the root of the problem. His attitude and behaviour are damaging, for the entire family.