To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

[cathkidstonbag]

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

At 15 she should have her own computer/laptop not have to use a shared one.

She does need to make time to do chores or clear up after herself. To not do so is unfair, Id also be concerned about her lack of hygiene.

I don't think being on the PC for six hours is at all excessive for a 15 year old, they also need social time and hers is spent on the PC.

That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil

Or maybe she was letting off steam caused by the inevitable tension when teenagers and adults share the same space, using robust language-

Err exactly like you are doing here:

she's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time

she's a lazy little madam

By all means tackle the laziness and the hogging of the computer, but if you want to tackle her moaning about you on an internet forum, you need to take the plank out of your own eye first.

At 15 she should have her own computer/laptop not have to use a shared one.

And if she gets a job to buy her own.

All children of secondary school age should have their own computer/laptop most schools do schemes to ensure they get one at a reduced cost.

Its now considered the norm for secondary school children to have their own computers, they need them for homework, they use them for socialising.

Its almost archaic if they don't have their own now, very dated and old fashioned.

She had her own. Managed to download viruses onto it numerous times which we have had to sort out. She refuses to use a windows laptop DH has offered her and insists on using my mac "until we buy her a MacBook" (her words!!!).

Yes you're right I'm bad mouthing her off here. Obviously that's where she gets it from.

Only in the cossetted middle-class world of mumsnet would posters assume that families have hundreds of pounds lying around to spunk on a laptop for each and every child.

OK OP. I have a 17 yr old ds and a 13 yr old dd. I have been slaughtered on here for doing too much for them.

DS is brilliant - 11 A*s last year (we have forgiven him the A!). He continually leaves all sorts of crockery upstairs in his bedroom and his bedroom is a tip. He has learnt the hard way that nothing, except uniform, gets washed unless it is put in the laundry basket; he has learnt the hard way that sports kit has to be packed the night before - I do not do it and haven't since he was 14; he has learnt the hard way about being pleasant. I drive him to school (I know, I know) but rudeness has resulted in a week on the bus - getting up 35 minutes earlier and lugging a cricket bag with him, etc.

It is perfectly possible to put a timer on a PC or to disable the internet gateway in the run up to exams - if they need to work they can use the household computer in the kitchen. Bad behaviour needs consequences in my opinion.

I would come down really hard on the rudeness over the internet if I were you. It is unecessary and unacceptable. Rude comments down a phone to a friend are one thing - comments made personally via cyberspace are quite another.

Your DH also needs to start backing you up. Presumably he does not want an ill mannered, dirty daughter with negligible life skills.

Oh yes, DS probably did about two hours work a night in the run up to GCSE's, averaged over 7 days - that's not to say he didn't go at it like a maniac for his mocks or the real thing or have weekends when he started at 11 on a Sunday and finished at 1am on a Monday when he had done bugger all all week. Doesn't mean he didn't do FGS and the eye roll though .

It sounds like it's more your dh's fault than yours and that you need a bit of support.

oh yes 15yo must have their own laptop, it's a basic need, a human right none the less - otherwise, god forbid, you're old fashioned

i do wonder what planet some people live on and if they really think that they and their friends constitute the norm for the whole planet.

...

Goodness, a laptop per teenager? Yeah...

A lot of families are trying to afford food.

well they should damn well get their priorities right TBJ. food is soooo yesterday

"Only in the cossetted middle-class world of mumsnet would posters assume that families have hundreds of pounds lying around to spunk on a laptop for each and every child."

I did laugh when I read this, so true.

Cath I'm no expert on teens so won't comment on whether this is par for the course (don't know enough to say).

I agree with others that your is DD being raised to think she is somehow special and 'above' other people (who she doesn't need to treat respectfully) because she is intelligent; and this has been facilitated by your DH. She is not going to get very far in life if she carries on like this, never mind how intellectually bright she is, because other skills (eg self care, cooking, developing relationships with other people) are equally important. I wonder if you DH was similar growing up?

Aaargh, that sounds a bit patronising. Sorry - came out badly.

I do suspect that your DH attitude has a lot to do with how she is behaving, which I why I asked what he was like when younger.

flippinada - DH didn't ever have to even make his bed till the day he left home at age 25!!

I don't want to add to the "what were you thinking?" tirade- but why on earth don't you know how much homework she gets, and how long it's expected to take?

And "she insists" on using your Mac? Insists?

seeker - she has been in charge of her own homework from the age of 8. That's when she asked us to let her do it all herself. I don't involve myself in her schoolwork because I know from teachers meetings and exam marks that she is flying at every subject and she never wants to discuss schoolwork with me.

I'm not a slacker uncaring mother but she is a very different child to my other two DDs.

I'm with Married. Mine have to do their chores regardless of homework, and if they don't stick to their side of the bargain, I don't stick to mine. Mine involves being a taxi service, pocket money provider, homework helper, meal provider, laundress etc. Services disappear every so often. If the laundry doesn't hit the basket, it doesn't get done, I do not care when you wanted to wear it. If you are rude to me, I will not provide pocket money or lifts. If the dishwasher is not loaded/unloaded I cannot find any clean saucepans with which to cook so you don't get fed. Tough!
Sorry, but you've let her get away with far too much.

I'm at this thread. Op, take your mac away.

If she's going to get viruses (and I'd want to know how she did), then she suffers the consequence.

Her hygiene needs sorting. Would she really wear skanky dirty pants if she ran out of clean?

She needs to do chores. Chores in return for using the mac if that's what works. I had to do my own washing/ironing, clean my room, vacuum, clean bathroom etc every weekend. And I was a hardworking student at the top of my class. I even used to cook for the family, shock horror.

Does your DH respect you? Not sure he does. That needs fixing too. Would he read this thread? Does he do anything around the house...?

So has she helped with any chores this evening? Is she doing her homework now - or chatting to her mates on the mac?

Being clever is not an excuse not to do chores
Your dh needs a kick up the arse, what is he thinking?

Everyone has jobs in my house from the very able to those with sn.

Get tough with her and dh. How will she cope at uni if she can't do anything for herself.
Tell her your eyes have been opened, she can't be that clever if she needs to do six hours of homework a night. Give everyone a list of jobs. If she won't do it withdraw computer, phone etc. She should be able to get all PC related homework done in two hours a night.
Stop doing so much for her, if she smells I'm sure other teens will let her know.

Good luck, teens can be hard work.

PS i have four kids and they do not have a computer each!

You do her a favour in letting her use "your mac" in return for her doing some chores. She can't insist unless you let her.

You previously said you've waited till 11 to start your course work because she was on the computer doing homework using social networks. That needs to change too. Her needs do not automatically come before yours, a compromise can be reached.

She's acting as she does because you let her. It's not too late though, but expect a lot of resistance. It is going to get a lot worse before it gets better. It's worth it otherwise she'll become an entitled spoilt bratif she's not alreadyand then a not very nice adult.

Actually, food is old-fashioned- aren't we supposed to simply eat a breakfast pill, a lunch pill, a dinner pill, and a supper pill each day? I read that was what it would be like in the 21st century!

Do you think it's okay to buy school uniform instead of a laptop, for your teenager? Is that archaic? Could they be sent in a futuristic toga, in order to trim costs?

Sound likes you have taken over from his mum, cath!

Someone said upthread about your DD1 being treated as an honorary 'man' while you and your other DDs are 'just' women and therefore second class. Does it feel like that might be true?

Of course you're not a slacker uncaring mother!

But you need to get back a bit of control. Take your computer back for a start- if there's another one she can use there's no reason for her to use yours. You have rights too. Phone the school and ask her head of year how long they recommend she spends on homework. My dd is in year 11 at a very high achieving grammar school and is on track for A*sand As, and I don't think has ever done more than 3 hours of homework a night- and that was when she had got herself into a backlog because she was in a show. It's usually between 1 and 2, with a bit more at the weekends. And, after fair warning, don't do any washing for her, and no coking except the family meal. If your dp wants her waited on hand and foot then he can do it.