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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that teenage DDs behaviour deserves some repercussion

193 replies

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:12

My DD is 15. She's strong willed, stubborn and a total pita a lot of the time but I try to accept that teenagers are and just to go with it.

I have a problem with her inability to do anything around the house. Even putting a plate in the dishwasher. She's always too busy with homework. And indeed she does seem to have vast amounts of it and be on the pc till 11pm at night.

Last night I asked if she could keep an eye on her sisters while I did a 10 minute job in the garage. She was too busy and I did try to discuss with her why she has so much to do and whether that's normal.

Later in the evening I went to log onto my hotmail account to find hers was left logged in. I shouldn't but I looked. That evening she had spent most of it having a discussion with her friend about how evil I was expecting her to do anything (usual teenage stuff there) but then how dumb I was. I was so stupid I didn't understand her homework because I'd been too thick to go to uni. I didn't work so sat on my arse all day at home (actually am at college and setting up my own business). She really got the knife in as did her friend.

DH thinks I shouldn't have looked and should just forget it. I'm destroyed over it tbh. I know teenagers are cruel but at the end of the day she was too busy to do a few chores but had all this time to be nasty about me.

AIBU to think her behaviour deserves some kind of consequences?

OP posts:

Mrsjay · 06/03/2012 09:16

YEs dont know why you havnt put your foot down sooner although all teenagers think parents are stupid , give her a set time for the computer that really should be enough time for the homework , shes probably on the internet chatting to her friends and moaning about you , a 15 year old should be able to contribute to the family imo ,

Mrsjay · 06/03/2012 09:16

Ohand really ignore what she said about you she was being a Witch and rude ,

CogitoErgoSometimes · 06/03/2012 09:17

YANBU. Clip her wings severely on the free-time, crack the whip on the housework and, if she complains, tell her you're too thick to understand what her problem is.

BluddyMoFo · 06/03/2012 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDawn · 06/03/2012 09:19

I expect lots of people will tell you you shouldn't have looked and all that, but you did, and you can't "unlook". This is just what I'd do and I am a vindictive cow when I get going but I would stop doing anything for her and when she comments say things like "oh well I would wash your dirty knickers but I'm too thick to work the washing machine" and "I would make your tea but, well, I'm so thick my brain hurts so I can't". Even if you don't actually let on that you saw the emails, I'd still make her start doing her own stuff from now on, fifteen is perfectly old enough to help round the house, I wouldn't have let her get away with doing nothing for so long. As for the homework, let her plan her time and fit it in, nobody has that much homework, she's using it as an excuse and laughing at you for falling for it
I'd ban the friend from the house too, but like I say, I'm nasty and mean like that.

sodapops · 06/03/2012 09:23

She should be helping out around the house, but you should also understand that this is a very important time in her life and she will have a lot of homework and revision to do.

I don't understand why you are 'destroyed' over what she has said to her friend TBH. My DC and I have a very good relationship, but I am under no illusion that there will be times when they slag me off to their mates because that is what teenagers do when things don't go their way! Had she have had the conversation face to face with her friend, you would have had no idea about it.

bringbacksideburns · 06/03/2012 09:27

Try to ignore what you read because if it gets back to her she will think you've been snooping and that won't help matters.

But i do think at 15 you and your DH should sit her down and say this is what we expect you to do around the house. Does she get spends or have a Saturday job? Does she keep her room clean or do you make her bed? etc

If she doesn't want to help out then i'd not be giving her any extra money.

SardineQueen · 06/03/2012 09:27

I also think you need to put your foot down over stuff around the house, but ignore what she wrote about you. She is 15, she might feel that way now but she didn't when she was younger and she won't when she's older. It a long game, the whole raising kids thing, and I just think that incident is best ignored.

Also just remembered. My mum used to go through my bin - I don't know why, I never threw anything interesting away! But it meant that I did not trust her at al and kept everything to myself when I was growing up. I think if you let her know you read her emails, what with her being 15 and all, she won't forget it in a hurry and a piece of that mother/daughter thing will be lost.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:29

Of course I understand she has a lot of homework to do. She starts on it at 4.30 and is allegedly still doing it up till 11pm. With a 20 minute dinner break (that she can't of course help out with at all). Do 15year olds really have that much homework??

OP posts:

Bramshott · 06/03/2012 09:29

I'd try and set aside your understandable irritation and hurt about what she wrote. However, she clearly was not doing homework all night, and next time you ask her to help, let her know in no uncertain terms that it's not negotiable.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:32

No she doesn't tidy her room or make her bed. Or pick her dirty washing off the floor. She's a lazy little madam. I have bribed, begged, threatened to no avail. She doesn't currently get pocket money because of it and doesn't care less. She rarely goes out and if she does she uses money from Xmas/birthday.

She is incredibly intelligent (not boasting, it's not a good thing) so I'm sure I do seem stupid to her. DH thinks because of this and because she is doing so fabulously at school I should tidy around after her and not expect her to do anything.

OP posts:

Bramshott · 06/03/2012 09:33

You know now that she DOESN'T have that much homework - because she was bitching with her friend on hotmail all night!! Knowledge is power!

janelikesjam · 06/03/2012 09:34

I think if you have a difficult relationship with her, her words sound par-for-the-course. But if you have a genuine relationship with your daughter, no wonder you are upset. for you. hmm ... cand sometimes being "nice", caring, etc. can be responded to with disrespect? I, too, would be cracking the whip somewhat.

SardineQueen · 06/03/2012 09:34

You could

Put the computer in a room where you can supervise her
Put a child protection thingy on which will tell you which sites she has visited and how long

In fact even threatening these things might do it! Tell her that she helps when you ask or her social networking homework time will be severely compromised. If she's got any sense that should do the trick.

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:34

I also know she wasn't that bright to leave her hotmail account logged in!!

OP posts:

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 06/03/2012 09:36

The pc is on the landing so she's not shut in her room. Which in itself is a pain because we all have to be quiet when she's studying.

I really have tried to be nice, even to the point where when I had work to do for college a few months ago I would wait until she'd finished at 11 to start it!

OP posts:

GrahamTribe · 06/03/2012 09:39

Unplug the internet. Tell her it goes back on when and only when she's gotten off her lazy ass, picked up her dirty knickers and put them in the wash, put her cups in the washer, unloading it first if necessary and peeled some of the vegetables for dinner.

Repeat every night.

And remind her that she's damn lucky because this mum is all in favour of the guy who caused so much hand-wringing on MN when he blasted his daughter's laptop with a shotgun for similar behaviour.

bringbacksideburns · 06/03/2012 09:39

Your DH is wrong.

My 11 year old makes his bed and tidies his room. My 9 year old is a work in progress and leaves a trail of destruction in her wake. I dread to think how she'll be at 15.

I would leave her room exactly as it is, do the washing when needed, when you change the sheets put the clean ones on top - her decision whether or not to make it up. Give her a washing basket maybe? Do not tidy her room and at least that's one less thing for you to do.

GrahamTribe · 06/03/2012 09:42

Additionally it sounds like her behaviour is being encouraged by your DH and that he's undermining you. I'd be telling him to piss off and that if he thinks someone should pick up and be a maidservant for DD then he needs to get off his ass and do it, not tell me that I should.

GingerWrath · 06/03/2012 09:42

Your DH is wrong, because she is so intelligent she needs to be taught the practicalities of life. She needs to at least look after her own room( make bed, change bedding regularly, make sure dirty clothes end up in the laundry basket, etc.)

It is all about personal responsibility and she needs to learn it now otherwise she will come a cropper when she loses her 'slave'.

I would personally stop doing it all for her, she will soon twig when she has no clean pants to wear!

MsF1t · 06/03/2012 09:44

Agree with GrahamTribe. And see this if you didn't ever watch the video mentioned.

GrahamTribe · 06/03/2012 09:45

BTW, there's no way she has that much homework so I'd cut out the tip-toeing around her and putting off your own college work so she can do her "homework". She's laughing at you.

aquafunf · 06/03/2012 09:46

you seem stupid to her because she is a teenager, all adults and particularly your own parents are inherently stupid to teenagers.

the problem with the internet is that there is a permanent record of all the idiotic things that teenagers have always said about their parents. it is hurtful and ridiculous but try really hard not to take it to heart.

you can, however, use your anger to good use.

tell her that it is a family computer, for family use. You all need to use it. Tell her that you are concerned that she is spending 7 hours a night on facebook, i mean homework. Ask for her homework diary so you can speak to the teachers about how long it should take.

if you have college work to do, tell her that you will be using the computer from X time and she will need to plan accordingly.

I speak as the mother of 3 teenagers and a teacher of 16-18 year olds!

EduStudent · 06/03/2012 09:46

6 hours of homework a night? That's almost a second school day on top of the one she's already done. If it is true which I would be questioning then something needs to be sorted because that is not healthy.

whackamole · 06/03/2012 09:52

Take her to the library after school and get her some encyclopaedias to work from and then turn off the internet. No one ever has 6 hours of computer based homework a night, no matter how clever or which school they are at. She has been playing you both for a mug on that front.

If she creates a fuss, explain to her that you are concerned the computer use is damaging her eyes, and actually you are thinking about contacting school about it. Also tell her you are not her maid, and from no on in, clothes will not be washed, beds will not be changed and generally you expect some interaction with the rest of the family.

BTW, your DH is being an arse.

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