To think that smacking a child is the same as smacking an adult

[Elderberries]

If I came on here and said I had lost it with my partner and got so angry that I had slapped him a couple of times people would say (and rightly so) that I was way out of line and should do something about my temper ect....they would probably be even more outraged if I said I had hit my wife.

If I come on here and say I lost my temper and slapped my child I think I would get a different reaction. Am I being unreasonable to think that actually hitting a child is domestic violence? If it's not OK for your partner why would be it OK to chastise a child in this way. Is it because they are small and helpless and have no representation? Wasn't that the position of women not so very long ago when a husband had every right to hit his wife.

I'm saying this because I did get angry last night and slapped my 2.5 year old on the leg and I feel terrible. I've never done it before and I am against it in principle. I just lost control because he wouldn't stay still when I was trying to change a very very soiled nappy and I didn't want it to get everywhere.

I do think it is domestic abuse. I do think it is wrong. I am never going to do that again. Never. Go on tell me I'm wrong.

I don't think it's the same thing at all. YOu can reason with an adult, usually. A child 2.5 yo child is not old enough to reason with. yOu have responsibility for your child, you don't for your partner. An adults has responsibilities and rights, and a child only rights, but not responsibilities, so that's different again. Don't beat yourself up about it. You've probably given him/her a fright and hopefully he/she will have learnt from this. You haven't beaten the child up, you smacked him/her. I know it's not a good thing to do, but it really isn't domestic violence. With an adult you could ask them to stay still because of..., but obviously it's not the same with a child.

YABU... Sometimes, physical intervention is the best solution. A thrashing, shitty toddler is not a pleasant thing, needs to be contained quickly, and we're all human. If you don't want to do it again, think of alternative ways you could have handled matters. But don't be too harsh on yourself. Your child really won't remember it.

YABU although for me personally a wriggly shitty bum wouldnt be enough reason for me to smack. It would have to be something where they are putting themselves in serious danger for me to do it.

Totally agree with you OP. And a bit shocked that you can't reason with a 2.5 year old but you expect the same child to link poor behaviour and a smack!

YANBU!

What is it teaching your child if you smack to get the desired result? You are teaching them that smacking gets the desired result, so you can't very well complain when they get into shit at school for lamping their classmates etc. It's a lazy way to parent. I've never had to smack mine and never will.

Sorry, my post sounded like I was having a dig at you, OP. I wasn't! You know that you've not done the right thing so don't torture yourself over it.

Never ever strike a child in anger - leave the room if you have to! To do anything else puts you at risk of crossing that line.

Never, under any circumstances hit a child around the head or neck area (neurological damage is not something to joke about and toddlers/children are more delicate than adults!)

Smacking shouldn't be a parents ONLY disciplinary tool and nowadays with parenting classes/the internet/supernanny etc galore it's sheer incompetent and lazy parenting if it is.

However I DO believe that sometimes on rare occasions, physical chastisement, adminstered calmly is an acceptable tool in a parents arsenal of behavioral methods. A smack on the bottom or a tap on the back of the hand is sometimes the quickest, most appropriate way of stopping unacceptable behavior and getting a child's attention.

The shock of an occasional quick smack should make the child take note that "hey this is REALLY NAUGHTY!" If it's effective you'll only have to tap them ONCE.

You know your child best, and consequently, should know what methods achieve the best results. For my own son, Supernanny's famed naughty step is a flippin' reward! (He's ASD).

All parents make mistakes, if this is something that in hindsight you regret don't do it again, walk away. A child left somewhere SAFE for 5 mins while you take deep breaths and calm yourself will suffer no long term harm.

YANBU

smacking is physical force. regardless of whether you are cool as a cucumber when you do it or in a red mist you are teaching your child that getting someone to comply with your wishes is achieved by physically forcing them to do it. i dont believe this is acceptable in society.

i speak as someone who has smacked my child in the past when i have been so angry at him and i hate myself for it. i think the way parents (me and friends i have spoken to about it anyway) felt after they smacked their child tells you all you need to know about smacking.

I'm surprised so many people think it's OK to smack a child, I really am. You know that in the past people thought you couldn't reason with women, you couldn't reason with slaves. That's why it was fine to take their liberty and meet out punishment.

I can reason with my 2.5 year old with time and patience. He puts his clothes in the wash, puts his jigsaws away, goes to bed and stays there even when not so tired (reading books, well looking at them anyway).

You are just teaching them to resort to violence. Don't kid yourself that it isn't violence.

Now I can't reason with my 5 month old and I don't think anybody would say it is OK to smack a child that small.....so I don't get your logic at all.

I'm beating myself a little bit....but I think that's a good thing. It means I'm taking my actions seriously and will not do it again. Who cares about a bit of shit getting somewhere.

I never have and never will raise a hand to my child in anger.

As adults we get smacked legally.

The Police can use force because they are "Trained" to do it

As a society we are so hypocritical.

i think a smack in the right circumstances can help a child understand that what they are doing is wrong/unacceptable

sometimes you can drag a punishment on for weeks/months until you both forget what the original crime was - how/who does that help or teach?

if you look at animal parents, if their little ones step out of line they give a short nip and thats it done. Little one knows not to do it again. They dont carry it on for days, weeks, months, make it sit on a naughty stone for weeks on end, carry grudges. We can learn a lot of common sense from animals

The step works pretty well for me. He sits there and then we talk about what he has done wrong and then we have a hug. I understand it may not work for all kids.

I'm usually quite good at walking away but changing a dirty nappy is the one time it is difficult to do that. I'll find a way though.

I think YABU. There's a difference though between smacking a child in anger, and smacking a child in a controlled manner. I know it's a cliche, but I was occasionally smacked as a child, and it never did me any harm

Don't do it EVER again Elderberries. My son is thirteen i've never smacked him. I can't believe you are being aggressive toothers that smack and you've actually done it yourself. Hypocrite.

also, animals dont screech and scream obscenities at their kids like many mothers on here admit to swearing at their kids, and then recoil in horror at a tap on the bum

in my world, shouting and swearing at a child day in day out does way way more harm than a smack that is done to teach, yet people dont seem to get up in arms about teaching their kids that being verbally abusive is fine and ok

I have smacked my child when she has been doing something dangerous like touching the hot oven or grabbing at the kettle etc....but I try not to hit her out of anger. This doesn't always work but I am trying to use diversions to get her to calm down or pay attention to me. I hate it when I do smack her hand or her bum, but sometimes she just pushes you to your limit and beyond.

YANBU I think smacking is awful too.

It is abuse.

I don't buy this "controlled" smacking lark.

What it says to me is the adult hits a child for something they don't want them to do. Wrong, terribly wrong.

We will be shifting to the smacking of a child is DV before very long.

humans are not animals. we have evolved far beyond the point where touch is our only form of communication.

"i think a smack in the right circumstances can help a child understand that what they are doing is wrong/unacceptable"

can i ask you how you explain to a child who thinks it's friend/pet/parent is doing something wrong (and may well be doing something wrong) that they shouldn't smack? if your justifications is that smacking is ok if the child is doing something wrong then surely the child should be able to use the same method to stop someone else doing something wrong (say the dog is eating her shoes for example)

Animals are being taught to be violent. They will be attacked by predators and have to defend themselves or flee. Other primate societies are very violent. I would think we want a different sort of society?

Not sure if it's been posted yet but I found this very interesting:

?When a child hits a child, we call it aggression.
When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility.
When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault.
When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline.?

I have smacked my child when she has been doing something dangerous like touching the hot oven or grabbing at the kettle etc....but I try not to hit her out of anger

See what I mean - "I try not to hit her out of anger"

Remove the child from danger instead of smacking.

Not good enough!

YANBU to think that smacking is wrong. However, YABU if you think that you should be more than human. We all do things that we bitterly regret and no one is a perfect parent. We can aspire to be perfect so pick yourself up, don't berate yourself too much, and think about how you would handle the situation differently in future.