To think that smacking a child is the same as smacking an adult

[Elderberries]

If I came on here and said I had lost it with my partner and got so angry that I had slapped him a couple of times people would say (and rightly so) that I was way out of line and should do something about my temper ect....they would probably be even more outraged if I said I had hit my wife.

If I come on here and say I lost my temper and slapped my child I think I would get a different reaction. Am I being unreasonable to think that actually hitting a child is domestic violence? If it's not OK for your partner why would be it OK to chastise a child in this way. Is it because they are small and helpless and have no representation? Wasn't that the position of women not so very long ago when a husband had every right to hit his wife.

I'm saying this because I did get angry last night and slapped my 2.5 year old on the leg and I feel terrible. I've never done it before and I am against it in principle. I just lost control because he wouldn't stay still when I was trying to change a very very soiled nappy and I didn't want it to get everywhere.

I do think it is domestic abuse. I do think it is wrong. I am never going to do that again. Never. Go on tell me I'm wrong.

GrimmaTheNome Sun 26-Feb-12 21:53:15
"I don't think it did me any harm. It did my relationship with my mother a bit of harm - not much but it diminished my respect for her."

Interesting comment. I had enormous respect for my mother, still do, and I think a lot of that was for her natural authority. I think if she had showed me that she needed to smack to maintain authority I might just have lost some of that respect.

of course children and adults view the world differently i totally agree that you can not reason with a toddler who is having a tantrum, or at times a child that is demanding their own way and no other way. so if you are aware that you are unable to reason with them how do you think they view a person that smacks them

can they really make sense of that especially when later on that same person is telling them how much they love them or does that not really matter

it a very confusing message

To me (and I dont have children yet so may be idealistic) if you hit your child, you're teaching them they are wrong by doing wrong by them.

How do you determine the hardness of the hit? How naughty can they go for the level of the hitting? What happens when they exceed all previous bad behaviour? How hard does it end up?

If the point (my partner argues) isn't to hurt them but to scare them, why would you want to make your child frightened of you?

If they are not frightened of you but frightened of the smack - why if it doesn't hurt?

I just don't get it.... I really don't.

I was walloped (a lot) mostly by my mum, in fact she used to purchase slippers based on their walloping capacity.(Backless for easy removal, but with a firm sole.) But then I suppose it wasn't particularly unusual for kids growing up in the 1980s.

I often wonder how this affected me, I am very timid, lack confidence and can be very easily physically intimidated.

Occasionally it upsets me that the only memories of physical contact I have with her is getting smacked. Though that is probably more a reflection of the lack of physical warmth in the house than the smacking per se.

I have been out today and seen loads of people with kids who could have done with a smack. It ranged from not touching dogs from not touching other kids.

I was with my children who are still naughty but do actually take notice of me and think that going to their bedrooms, harsh!

I have been out today and seen loads of people with kids who could have done with a smack.

They could have done with discipline and appropriate control - that doesn't have to equate to 'a smack'.

Well perhaps those parents were of the school of your thought. Personally, I would have walloped the little buggers and learnt them how to bloody behave.

Old school, I know but there you go. We all live and learn don't we.

taught, not learnt, dreadful grammer I know.

Wow to the pp who said they don't respect their kids. That says it all really.

Well perhaps those parents were of the school of your thought

I very much doubt it. They were undisciplined, out-of-control kids by the sound of it, with no idea of boundaries and consequences. My DD doesn't behave like a yob and I've managed to do it without resorting to 'walloping' . So have all the parents I know AFAIK (I've certainly never seen any of them smacking). They too have appropriately behaved, respectful kids.

Your kids may be absolutely fine with your parenting style - but there are other ways.

I hate violence in any form, but I can't think of much worst than hitting someone who does not have the capacity to reason or defend themselves.

Would you think it is a acceptable to hit an elderly relative? Or someone with diminished mental capacity? Someone disabled who does not have the use of their limbs?

Hitting someone based on those scenarios would get you decimated, your life would be over in the UK, no matter if you tried to justify it as 'a short, sharp shock' or 'they needed told'

So why is this acceptable or children? Because effectively we feel we own them? I speak as someone who was smacked as a child and it did bloody harm me, I was never abused in the conventional sense that we use, but it made me feel powerless and submissive, and who knows what my reaction could have been when my mothers boyfriend preyed on me had I not been taught to 'do what I was told'

You may be sitting rolling your eyes, the fact that you give your child a smack on the wrist for trying to stick their fingers in a plug socket is not the same as abuse, and you are right it's not, but what it is is one more step towards telling your child that it is okay to be hit, or to hit someone for the right reasons, but with no understanding that it is all in the interpretation of the reason being right.

I hope to see a time when no violence is acceptable, but I'm a realist.

i agree jnice.

not sure how someone can demand respect (which leads to good behaviour) when they model clearly that no respect is reciprocated regardless of how well the children behave. what an awful way to grow up, knowing that no matter what you do to earn it, your parent doesn't respect you.

My boys have great empathy. They don't always remember their manners but a quick verbal reminder works. I would take empathy over manners any day of the week. I don't think hitting teaches empathy.

Empathy is the root of being a socially responsible person. I am bringing up kids to do the right thing because it is socially responsible, not because they are scared of what might happen of they do the wrong thing.

'I would have walloped the little buggers and learnt them how to bloody behave.'

You were saying that children were 'touching dogs' - you would honestly 'wallop' a child because they touched a dog?

I don't respect my kids, I parent. sorry, but what a ridiculous thing to come out with.

Agree with all the posters that say hitting children is actually worse than hitting adults. They're smaller, can't defend themselves and they trust you :(

I couldn't imagine smacking DS and he's 3.5, and I don't do naughty steps either. FWIW, maybe I'm lucky, but I absolutely can reason with him. Reason and compromise.

I really think if you show children respect that's how they learn respect....and empathy as jnice said

The thing is, sometimes I can't reason with my 4 year old. He is so different to my 9 year old. Sometimes it takes forever to get things done because reasoning is so hard. But if I hit him that would get worse because the trust would disappear. He takes time to come round and he is very obstinate, but also he deserves my time and energy - parenting respectfully.

At daycare they tell me he is a lovely boy who always helps with the younger children and is mature in the way he understands emotions. I would never risk damaging that fr a quick fix to make my life a bit easier at home.

YANBU

The logic of 'they don't understand anything other than a slap' is totally flawed. If a child is too young to be reasoned with, then they are probably also too young to understand the reason for the smack. Toddlers don't always understand the exact cause and effect relationships that exist in the world and no amount of smacking and shouty explanations is going to get through to them, until they are developmentally old enough to understand, that e.g. pavement = safety, stepping off the curb = possibility of death.

Smacking your annoying child now and then isn't a terrible crime, most people lose their temper sometimes and lash out. But you ought to feel guilty afterwards, not try to justify it as a parenting technique. Same as you would (hopefully?) feel bad about slapping an adult who has pissed you off.

Of course I might be over-sensitive to these things. I still feel mortified about the last time I slapped someone in anger - 20 years ago, when I was 10 years old. It's not that I don't get the urge to slap people, of course I do. There is just this impenetrable wall of my conscience in front of my animal instincts, that stops me from lashing out, just as though an invisible person had caught my hand and calmly said 'NO hitting.'

I will also add that the whole smacking debate is complicated by your definition of acceptable force. Most people know that kicking or punching a person (of any age) is wrong but when you have a conversation like this it's surprising to find out what punishments people actually use.

To me a smack is a single slap, somewhere where it will sting but not injure them, like on back of legs or butt, back of hand, or cheek. I don't go around slapping people but I know that if I really felt the need to hit an adult then a slap on the cheek might be acceptable in some situations.

Some people's definition extends to include belting/spanking which I think is cold-blooded sadism. Some adults might like to do that sort of thing for fun but to do it to a kid is dodgy. There are many more effective ways to punish than a thrashing.

If a child isn't old enough to understand the simple rule and consequence: 'Don't touch dogs without the owners permission; the dog may not like it and growl or even bite' - then they're too young for you to let them be in a position where they can bother the dog. (And too young to understand being walloped because they wanted to pat doggy)