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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that smacking a child is the same as smacking an adult

194 replies

Elderberries · 24/02/2012 14:52

If I came on here and said I had lost it with my partner and got so angry that I had slapped him a couple of times people would say (and rightly so) that I was way out of line and should do something about my temper ect....they would probably be even more outraged if I said I had hit my wife.

If I come on here and say I lost my temper and slapped my child I think I would get a different reaction. Am I being unreasonable to think that actually hitting a child is domestic violence? If it's not OK for your partner why would be it OK to chastise a child in this way. Is it because they are small and helpless and have no representation? Wasn't that the position of women not so very long ago when a husband had every right to hit his wife.

I'm saying this because I did get angry last night and slapped my 2.5 year old on the leg and I feel terrible. I've never done it before and I am against it in principle. I just lost control because he wouldn't stay still when I was trying to change a very very soiled nappy and I didn't want it to get everywhere.

I do think it is domestic abuse. I do think it is wrong. I am never going to do that again. Never. Go on tell me I'm wrong.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 25/02/2012 12:35

oh yes i think we are IAmBooyhoo :)

my post was in reply to Lesley33 post

Dragonwoman · 25/02/2012 12:39

Yeah I don't agree with smacking as a form of discipline but I don't think the occasional smack is a huge problem especially in self defence!

lesley33 · 25/02/2012 12:43

proudnscary - I actually am not a fan of smacking as I think it doesn't work. Just disagreed with the premise of the OP's argument.

And tbh if an adult talked to me in the way my young dcs sometimes talked to me - you smell of poo!, I hate you, NO NO NO, for example - I would have stopped having anything to do with them a LONG time ago Grin

MrsShortfuse · 25/02/2012 12:47

My name probably says it all. I've smacked mine a handful of times out of anger and I only regret it because you are supposed to regret it. At the time I felt it was right they could see they had driven me to it. It was not premeditated. Children are completely vile sometimes, deliberately insolent rude and sneery. There is no other human relationship as complex as parent/child, this is why it differs from hitting an adult. You love these beings that you created so overwhelmingly in ways you cannot artculate, yet you can smack them because at times they are vile and you wonder how your child can be quite so vile. This is why you can justify smacking your own but it always seems wrong seeing another parent smack theirs. When our cat had kittens I was interested to see how she gave the kittens a swipe now and again. Maybe it's instinctive for mammals.

The theoretical, logical MrsShortFuse agrees with the antismacking brigade but life just ain't logical is it.

The times I have smacked mine it has worked and the behaviour has not been repeated.

I look forward to getting to know some of you better when we share a cell.

noddyholder · 25/02/2012 13:01

Driven me to it? That is a dodgy explanation passing the blame for your anger. Why can people who smack never admit its wrong?

MrsShortfuse · 25/02/2012 13:18

Because we don't think it's wrong, necessarily?

IAmBooyhoo · 25/02/2012 13:23

you see, my mum tells me that i drove her to smacking me and face slapping me. i have very clear memories of several of the occasions when she did it and on each and every one of those occasions she could have walked away from me instead. i know i was older than pre-school because i know the smacks/slaps were for being cheeky. one occasion we were on holiday, dad's feet were killing him and he was trying on some sandals in a shoe shop, mum was stressed because when dad get's stressed he takes it out on everyone around him, i was whingeing that i was bored and wanted to leave the shop. she had told me to give her head peace and i kept on whingeing so she slapped me accross the face. i ran out of the shop and through the town. a police officer found me and made me stay with him until my parents found me. i deserved to be disciplined for my whingeing, but i did not deserve a slap. my behaviour wasn't the reason for the slap, my mum's mood that particular day was. my behaviour caused her to become short tempered but it was up to her what she did with that temper.

noddyholder · 25/02/2012 13:25

The drove me to it argument is always used by men abusing women too. My mum smacked us there are 4 of us I am the eldest at 47 and we all say now we hated it and it made us lose respect for her.I think to physically hurt your own child is insulting and hurtful.

Hullygully · 25/02/2012 13:34

All violence is Always wrong

lesley33 · 25/02/2012 13:46

Is all violence always wrong though? For example, self defence against another adult?

I'm not a great fan of all encompassing statements like that tbh. I think life tends to be made up of greys rather than black and white.

noddyholder · 25/02/2012 13:49

Self defence with your own child? If you need that then you probably are in the realms of needing specialist help. If your child is attacking you I would think hitting back would be a high risk strategy in terms of improving the situation or having any sort of relationship with them in the future. Grey areas are risky as where do you and who decides where to draw the line?

lesley33 · 25/02/2012 14:04

noddy - Is your post aimed at me? I talked about self defence against another adult, not a child. So man attacking me in the street - I would try and run, but if he had hold of me and I couldn't get away then physically attacking might be the best option. I only say might because depending on the situation it could encourage him to attack me more. But I certainly wouldn't not attack him because "all violence is always wrong"

Hullygully · 25/02/2012 14:11

Romans...aqueducts...

Original poster
Elderberries · 25/02/2012 15:45

Through experience I would say that when your child bites you, you find yourself automatically pushing them away with a bit of force because it really hurts. It's not a cerebral reaction at all.

If you can think clearly about what to do then you would do something else. Remember I'm anti smacking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elderberries · 25/02/2012 15:49

Lesley yes I do take your point that perhaps my premise about the actions to a child and adult could be equivalent might be the wrong one. I might have to think about that a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elderberries · 25/02/2012 15:50

Hully hmmm I'm a bit too dim to understand that one.

OP posts:
LeQueen · 25/02/2012 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhiteShores · 25/02/2012 15:54

If you forced an adult to stay in one place without letting them leave (ie. naughty step for children), it would be kidnapping.

If you took an adult's property away from them without their permission (ie. taking toys from a child), it would be theft.

All punishments used for children would be completely inappropriate if used against adults. Why? Because one adult has no authority over another adult, whereas a parent does have authority over a child.

The power of authority between a parent/child is more similar to the authority of police over an adult.

If an adult is misbehaving according to the law, the police have the right to stop that person with increasing power, up to and including physical confinement, physical restraint, and even methods that would otherwise be called assault if met with complete resistance (obviously any force required should always be as minimal as possible).

This is a much fairer comparison of the authority, and the responsibility that a parent has when it comes to a child.

giveitago · 25/02/2012 16:02

Lequeen - I agree that kids are different and the world is pretty much grey but do kids really only understand to learn the ability to reason/apply logic/understand consequences/actions/reactions via smacking?

I'm middle aged and my df smaked me gently on the hand once when I was little in the early '70's and I did something very bad (I melted his radio over the hob where my mum was cooking). He reckons it wasn't the right course of action and apparently it took me months for me to trust him again (sensitive old soul me).

So I think that smacking has always been considered wrong in many households even way back when.

Not something I could ever consider doing. If I were to smack my kid by way of discipline or instruction then I should do the same to other kids who are in my care (like play dates or babysitting) and I doubt that would go down well with their parents.

Just not something I can do - I cannot just hurt someone - not anyone physically.

LeQueen · 25/02/2012 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TinyPants · 25/02/2012 16:06

Mine aren't old enough to understand smacks, punishments etc yet but I was smacked as a child fairly often. I was very naughty. I now think that violence is the answer to all my problems and am constantly hitting people. Oh, wait, no. That hasn't happened. Hmm

giveitago · 25/02/2012 16:12

What extra does a kid learn from a smacking than that kid would learn from being told?

I personally think you discipline how you see fit- just not something I'd do and I'm very judgy pants in Italy where I see so many parents with their hands constantly held up in smacking position - but also very much understand that those kids grow up FINE. Just not something I like to see as it makes me nervous as it IS violent position and I'm not used to it.

lesley33 · 25/02/2012 17:02

tinypants - I do know what you mean Grin

But as a kid when I was smacked it just made me angry with my parents and didn't make me feel at all sorry for what I had done. So it didn't work with me. I haven't smacked my kids because of this.

MrsCrafty · 26/02/2012 21:22

"I like kids that have manners and self respect for themselves too."

how can you expect children to respect themselves when you aren't showing them enough respect to take the time to talk to them, instead just being lazy and smacking them? you don't respect their right to not be hit so how can you expect them to respect themselves?

I don't respect my kids, I parent.

GrimmaTheNome · 26/02/2012 21:53

I was occasionally smacked as a child. I don't think it did me any harm. It did my relationship with my mother a bit of harm - not much but it diminished my respect for her. If she'd done it a lot, maybe it would have done a lot of harm. And I suspect it would have done her some harm.