Gah! Bloody sodding school!

[D0oinMeCleanin]

Dd1 informs me this morning she is doing gardening tis morning and needs suitable footwear. "Where was your letter?" I wail. She assures me there was no letter and they were only told yesterday. A phone call to the school confirms there was indeed no letter.

Now with a normal child this would not be a problem. You could just go into their wardrobe and get their wellies out, yes? But dd1 is not a normal child. She refuses to wear wellies, trainers, boots other than suede, faux fur lined fuggs, tracksuits or joggers, hoodies and many other things. Basically if it's not skinny jeans and fuggs forget about it, she ain't wearing it.

I have had several last minute requests from the school recently asking for tracksuits and trainers, sensible footwear etc. each time I have phoned to explain that dd1 does not have these things to hand because she refuses to wear them so in future we need notice to go and buy them.

So after having to run to town and back with money I do not have to buy wellies she will not wear, so she can sulk at the side of the allotment about having to wear wellies, while her friends have fun WIBU to write to the school and request that we have at least 2 weeks notice if they need dd1 have anything other than the aforemention skinny jeans, stupidly expensive jumpers and fuggs? We will need 1 day to go and buy the things and 13 days to convince dd1 that you cannot actually die of embarrassment

Well AIBU? AM I?

actually, rhinos i'm with you on that.
i used to live in the country, where wellies would be more practical (deep mud), but DMs are so much more comfy for gardening.

Yes the pre-teen girls round here are desperate for colourful DM type boots or military boots like these

Suitable for most outdoor pursuits, fashionable and cheaper than a lot of wellies.

Jins, what do you all wear to play outside in then? Don't your ordinary shoes get ruined by mud? Sorry if that is a stupid question.

Sorry X post. They seem like practical shoes.

Well we don't do much 'playing' as the DC are teenagers now but I use DMs or crocs if ordinary shoes look like being damaged. The DC have 'sacrificial' trainers or converse type shoes that wash. When they were younger they just used their ordinary shoes and I cleaned them. They were only in them five minutes anyway.

The only time I'd buy something special is if they were going somewhere that required a particular type of shoe for safety reasons.

This is madness. At 8 years old you can still change the way you are parenting her so that she know who's in charge ( ie you). You just need to be very firm and very strong.

Sadly, bullying over clothes/hair etc starts worryingly young. DD2 was homeschooled for a while when she was 8 and didn't care at all what she wore although she preferred jeans/joggers and comfy tops to dresses or fussy clothes. She started at middle school shortly after her 9th birthday and within weeks was having major panics over shoes, hair, trouser style, skirt length. She has problems with anxiety and the pressure of "fitting in" is almost unbearable for her.

I also had the delightful experience recently of buying Yr 7 DD1 a pair of school trousers. if your daughters are not yet secondary age you can look forward to that

OP has a well behaved, helpful daughter who has always had a finely tuned sense of 'fashion'.

I'd just fight the important battles if it were me. I don't get the attacks on the way OP is parenting at all [:(]

My mum used to tell me if I didn't wear what she said, I'd be going to school wearing nothing (and she meant stark bollock naked). Have you tried that one OP? I took ds into school in his pjs once because he wouldn't get dressed. He soon got his uniform on in the car, and has never played up again!

Those boots linked are very similar to the kickers she refused to wear because they "hurt her feet when she takes them off"

I am concerned about the bullying and I am working with the school to find a way to solve it. Dd1 only told us about at the start of half term but also says it has being on for "ages". I am also concerned at why it took her so long to confide in us and have swapped my shifts around at work so I am home more when she is, in order to spend some more time with her, hence the new interest in ice-skating. She asked to be taken ice-skating when she was offered a chance at a day out with me.

She gets muddy in her clothes. For muddy walks she wears socks and shoes and changes into dry things when she gets home. Clothes and shoes will wash easy enough. In the winter she normally has the Geotex boots, but she grew out of these and got new shoes this weekend because I couldn't justify the expense of more boots when it will be spring soon and she will be needing shoes.

She wears unifrom happily although does have certain things she refuses i.e trousers, skirts, polo shirts. She will wear pinafores, blouses and tights without a fuss. She has also recently taken to wearing the school jumper. Before this she would wear a cardigan so long as was not a hand knitted arron cardi.

We gave up on trainers. She says they hurt her feet and she does not like them. I refuse to believe that every single pair of trainers in the whole wide world hurt her feet.

What she wears is age and weather appropriate.

She does not spend ages pouring over pics of celebs but does notice them on the Disney channel and enjoys music so watches music channels with her dad plus kids choice awards etc. She buys a magazine called 'Girl Talk' with ger pocket money. She pays attention to what they wear.

I have not encouraged her to focus on her looks. I am the complete opposite to dd1 and live in muddy jeans, trainers and walking boots and as I mentioned earlier dd2 would happily wear a tatty sack and wears what she is bought without question.

I don't say anything about dd1 to the school other than mentioning that I will talk to the inclusion officer again about the bullying.

The only issue we have is with 'dress down' type clothes i.e joggers, trainers, wellies. Any other time she will happily wear what is appropiate e.g a warm jumper for ice skating, older clothes for playing in the park etc.

How do you think she will get on with ice skates then? Fine I guess if it's something she wants to do...

She tried on 6 pairs of skates in different sizes with different laces before finding a pair she deemed suitable. While she was fanny arseing about asking for skates with different coloured laces dd2 and I were enjoying the ice.

If she continues going she wants white figure boots, with purple laces and a wooden heel i.e the old pair of mine that she spotted in the attic with some new laces.

Will she get them?

I really like the sound of your dd

Well if she continues going and starts figure skating classes she will need high quality supportive boots because the rink hire boots are shite and not suitable for she would be required to learn, so yes, if she continues going she will get the appropriate kit, just as she got tap shoes after 6 weeks of barefoot tap dancing while she proved she was serious about it.

Why not get her the ones she wants when price wise they are much of a muchness?

In your situation my DS would be appalled if I said I was going to explain to the teacher how he behaved at home regarding a request from school. He would then behave, and of he tried it again I would tell the school how he had behaved and ask their advice. How would DD react to that?

Ha! I am the LEAST fashionable, or even remotely knowledgable about fashion.

However - my DD has refused to wear a dress or skirt of ANY sort since she was 18mo. She would take them off and PUT THEM IN THE BIN as soon as my back was turned. She is almost 14yo now - and hasn't worn a skirt or dress since 18mo. YES she went through a 'pink' stage - but pink TROUSERS. Even now, she will ONLY wear a skirt with trousers underneath.

My DS1 is nearly 10yo - and has refused to wear anything that isn't black, white, grey or red since he was about 2yo. Sent me into a spin on Monday when he came home telling me he needed brown and green clothes for a film they were making at school...

My 8yo DS2 couldn't give a rats fart about what he wears, as long as it is warm. And he has probably had MORE exposure to celebrities etc through his older sister and the toot she watches like E-tv. Yet HE is the one that has no issues with that - except for the sensory bits connected to his Autism where he doesn't like KNITTED jumpers - he will happily wear fleece though.

When you DON'T have a child that has strong ideas about their clothing, it is hard to understand those that do. Even BEFORE 18mo, DD would SCREAM for the ENTIRE DAY if I put her in a dress. Which was quite often, as she was my first, and there were soooo many pretty dresses to buy. .

Now, I accept what they WILL wear, and always keep an old set that they have recently grown out of as 'muddy' clothes.

OP - My DD refuses to wear wellies, always has done - but she WILL wear snow boots. Try showing your DD some pictures of celebs going Skiing? Snow boots ARE waterproof.

Away from parenting issues and back to the school issue....

I would say that 2 weeks' notice is unrealistic (and would possibly make you look daft, and you don't sound daft). But that requests for alternative forms of clothing should give you some warning (2 days minimum?). You may have wellies, but have lent them to someone else, out-grown them, lost them at the back of a cupboard...

Show her this picture (Emma Watson):
www.heatworld.com/images/95291_615x10000_STD/2010/6/images/Emma_main.jpg

and this (Kate Moss):
mtblog.glamour.com/fashion/blogs/slaves-to-fashion/2009/06/30/0701kate-moss-hunter-wellies_fa.jpg

and Florence Welch (Florence and the Machine)
www.shinystyle.tv/assets_c/2010/04/wenn5316839-thumb-300x538-102990.jpg

We have had similar at home, with him complaining to me about having to do homework and answering back. I told him not to do it and that I would take him to his teacher on Monday morning and relay the conversation we had just had. I explained it was a request from school not from me and how dare he be rude to me about something that wasn't even anything to do with me. He now does his homework practically without complaint

I have sympathy for you.

I suspect my DD will be like yours. It is nothing to do with my parenting and all to do with control and wanting to look nice in her eyes

Unless you have a child like this, it is impossible to imagine what it is like (another in our family too) if she was older, 12+ I'd let her get on with it ...but this type of younger child is so exhausting to deal with especially when you have other DCs...

My DD also bends herself out of shape if a tiny bit of water touches her clothes during the day...(she is fine in the bath)

I can remember my Mother choosing my clothes (back in the 70's) I would be out of my mind panicking that she would select the brown cord flares or any other trousers.
I had a name for wearing outfits I hated, it was called the 'boy feeling' translated, it actually meant it made me feel ugly?

Doin This may sound daft but could she have a problem with her feet?

If she's always complaining about them hurting unless she's wearing uggy type things which are usually loose and flat, could you ask her if she is really in pain when she wears anything different or if she just doesn't want to wear them?

She knows Emma Watson from Harry potter, she does not know who Kate Moss is and thinks that Florence Welch cannot sing.

Dd1's style is more trendy akin to Selina Gomez, Miley Cryus etc. Think coloured or patterned skinny jeans, fuggs (fake uggs, btw), and over sized jumpers with pictures of animals or utterly none offensive slogans on.

During last summer it was playsuits or maxi dresses with some purple designer sandals she begged and begged for on holiday but did not get until her Doodles mysteriously broke and we had no option but to replace her shoes. Funnily they happened to break while we were in an expensive shopping center and needed to get the last bus so had no time to argue with her.

You what? Engineered that way more like!

"Yes, it's always best to be really firm and strict with bullied eight year olds so they feel even more secure, understood, supported and loved. "

Hully if the DD was being bullied because she went on one of these gardening days once before; they were all told to bring wellies but she was the only one that did and they have been bullying her ever since for wearing wellies, then I'd say you have a point.

The OP has said this issue existed before the bullying started.

If my DD was being bullied, obviously like the OP I would be doing my utmost to sort it. What I would also do is make sure she was not put into any situation where it was easy for others to find something to mock her. A gardening day where she has no wellies or refuses to wear them is likely to get her known as Margo Leadbetter/Princess Tippy Toes for ever more by her peers. That would be bearable if she was self-confident but if she is already anxious through being bullied that would be hard to cope with.