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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gah! Bloody sodding school!

202 replies

D0oinMeCleanin · 24/02/2012 10:30

Dd1 informs me this morning she is doing gardening tis morning and needs suitable footwear. "Where was your letter?" I wail. She assures me there was no letter and they were only told yesterday. A phone call to the school confirms there was indeed no letter.

Now with a normal child this would not be a problem. You could just go into their wardrobe and get their wellies out, yes? But dd1 is not a normal child. She refuses to wear wellies, trainers, boots other than suede, faux fur lined fuggs, tracksuits or joggers, hoodies and many other things. Basically if it's not skinny jeans and fuggs forget about it, she ain't wearing it.

I have had several last minute requests from the school recently asking for tracksuits and trainers, sensible footwear etc. each time I have phoned to explain that dd1 does not have these things to hand because she refuses to wear them so in future we need notice to go and buy them.

So after having to run to town and back with money I do not have to buy wellies she will not wear, so she can sulk at the side of the allotment about having to wear wellies, while her friends have fun WIBU to write to the school and request that we have at least 2 weeks notice if they need dd1 have anything other than the aforemention skinny jeans, stupidly expensive jumpers and fuggs? We will need 1 day to go and buy the things and 13 days to convince dd1 that you cannot actually die of embarrassment Hmm

Well AIBU? AM I?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/02/2012 11:45

How much do you really think bullying has to do with it if she's been allowed to behave like this since she was 2yrs old?

She has a pair of converse style shoes, I made her wear them on a dog walk recently. She took them off and went barefoot instead. That is preferable to wearing trainers

Now given she could have cut her feet open on glass, something rusty or even a sharp stone....that really was the time to put your foot down and tell her you are the adult and she is the 8yr old child.

There is absolutely nothing to fear about a tantruming child...but there's everything to fear about a child whose parent has lost control to the point where the child is in any kind of danger.

If she wanted to walk down the middle of a busy road...dodging in and out of the traffic, I'm sure you'd ignore her tantrums and tell her it's not going to happen.

BalloonSlayer · 24/02/2012 11:47

Oh come ON!

Has no one noticed the big elephant sized clue in the first line of the OP?

Dd1 informs me this morning she is doing gardening tis morning and needs suitable footwear

If the DD didn't want to wear wellies or anything else, she would have said nothing to you, OP.

She said something because she WANTS you to be running around trying to find wellies, getting upset because she won't wear them, and getting cross with the school.

Classic - major, IMO - attention seeking behaviour.

Doesn't want to wear wellies - say nothing, wear school shoes or miss activity
Wants to cause a huge fuss - tell you this morning

And boy did it work a treat!

Seriously, that is what you need to address.

Scholes34 · 24/02/2012 11:50

At one time you might have thought her behaviour cute or adorable, but it isn't any longer. She needs to be sensible, and you've simply got to stand up to her. I've a 14 year old DD and the easiest option would be to give in every time, but that's not helpful to either of us.

LilacWaltz · 24/02/2012 11:54

balloonslayer speaks sense!!

WorraLiberty · 24/02/2012 11:57

Balloonslayer That or she was afraid of getting in trouble and wanted her Mum to explain she doesn't have any and it's too late to buy some.

Sevenfold · 24/02/2012 12:00

if she is 8 she shouldn't be so precious about her clothes,

EauDeLaPoisson · 24/02/2012 12:11

If you think its too late to change the way she is now god help you when she turns 13.
My DD tries to do all this princessy bollocks- the answer is always my house my rules get a job pay the bills THEN you may try to run rings around us.

Hullygully · 24/02/2012 12:12

understanding is harder but always more effective than condemnation

Tiddlyompompom · 24/02/2012 12:16

balloonslayer makes a very good point there - after all she knows what shoes she's has, and knows that none of them are suitable for squidging about in mud, so if she didn't want to wear wellies she'd have just 'forgotten' to tell you!
OP it sounds to me like this boils down to control, she may have had this fashion obsession beforehand, but the bullying will make her want to control something to make up for feeling powerless at school. At least it isn't food, an 8yo who wants to diet is way worse than a fashion obsessed princess. Maybe try to find something at home she has control over, a pet perhaps? Or a chore she can take responsibility for?
If it were me tho, I reckon I'd say to her "well the reason you should wear wellies is because....etc....but if you won't wear them then you will go in your silly fashion clothes, we'll see how you get on eh?". She then has to do all these activities in her inappropriate clothes/shoes until she figures out that different clothes have different jobs, and that fashion isn't useful when you're wet.
Good luck, but please remember to explain your reasoning, 8yo's aren't babies, they will appreciate a bit of respect.

Shakey1500 · 24/02/2012 12:16

Ok, so you realise that this has gone too far now and want to change it. I think you'll have to bite the bullet and put your foot down BIG time. In a kind of "You know what? This is wrong. I'M in charge young lady and THIS is how it's going to work vis a vis clothes/shoes/whatever from now on and if you don't like it you'll have to sodding well lump it."

Ignore the tantrums, she's 8, she'll soon realise, if you stick to your guns, that it's pointless and makes her look silly. Be calmness personified. Let her miss out if that's her choice. Send wellies to school for her locker/peg then they're there for when the occasion arises.

GreenPetal94 · 24/02/2012 12:21

Ok I'm in Scotland, but I don't think wellies is too big a request at no notice. What does she wear to get muddy in? Just send it whatever that is. And if the suede boots get wrecked then you can't really complain.

If dd NEVER gets muddy then you need to have a long hard think.

MaryZ · 24/02/2012 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BalloonSlayer · 24/02/2012 12:23

I think in this situation I'd say

  • I am buying you some wellies
  • You are doing the activity
  • If you choose to do the activity in your uggs/school shoes and ruin them YOU will be paying to replace them

and ask school to back me up, ie let her ruin her school shoes if necessary.

(My DS is always losing stuff, when he lost his coat at school and "couldn't find it anywhere" I reminded him on a shopping trip that he couldn't spend the last £15 left of his Christmas money as he needed to keep it to one side to replace his coat if he couldn't find it. He found it the next day.)

OrmIrian · 24/02/2012 12:25

Let her do it in her 'fuggs' (??) then. She'll ruin them and then have to wear them caked in mud.

Tiddlyompompom · 24/02/2012 12:28

Again Balloonslayer gets it spot on. >hurrah!

ClothesOfSand · 24/02/2012 12:29

You seem to be saying that the clothes issue has been going on longer than the bullying issue. Do you think the bullies have targeted the clothes/appearance issue because your DD has a thing about it? I'm not saying it is her fault she is bullied; if it hadn't been the clothes thing they would have attacked her over something else. But it does seem that you need to address the clothes issue.

I can't even begin to imagine a child refusing to wear practical items of clothing or being that bothered about clothing (and I have a 10 year old DD), so I can't really advise on how to deal with this but you really need to. At first I was judging and thinking it was absolutely ridiculous and you should just put your foot down, but your subsequent posts make me think this is quite a deep seated issue, particularly for an 8 year old.

insanityscratching · 24/02/2012 12:29

My dd prefers to wear skirts and dresses and is the only one among her friends that wears a pinafore and tights for school. I do though keep a pair of joggers, trainers and wellies handy for the times that the school want such things even if she never wears them at any other times. I buy the wellies about March a good size bigger than her shoes for just a couple of quid the joggers and trainers I pick up once a year when I see something reduced.
She has to wear what is needed whether she likes it or not tbh. She doesn't complain because she knows that I wouldn't take any notice anyway.
I'd just get a set and keep them handy, My older dd used to wear her brother's joggers and wellies when the need arose. Does she have a brother in a similar size?

Hullygully · 24/02/2012 12:30

Yes, it's always best to be really firm and strict with bullied eight year olds so they feel even more secure, understood, supported and loved. Hmm

Tiddlyompompom · 24/02/2012 12:34

Oh I've just remembered, my niece refused to wear trousers for A YEAR, until her new best friend started wearing some nice ones, then then magically thought they were ok! Has your DD got a friend she would copy? Perhaps you and her mum sneakily hatch a tracksuit and trainers plan...

sherbetpips · 24/02/2012 12:34

YABU - wellies is hardly an unusual request and it isn't there fault your daughter doesn't like to wear certain styles of shoe. She doesnt take them she doesn't get to do the activity, she loses.

Sevenfold · 24/02/2012 12:35

trouble with the clothes bullies, is once you sort one thing they just move on to another.
ds had this, started with his underwear ffs, got to the stage where it was everything he wore.
that is when I went to the school and spoke robustly to the head.

Sarcalogos · 24/02/2012 12:37

Hully, my brand of firmness would get her wearing the shoes without her doubting for a second that I loved and supported her. (well perhaps a second, but certainly not longer than a minute :o )

Kids need boundaries, routines and to know whos in charge. It is here that they get their security, support, and eventually independence.

I'm not advocating flogging the poor kid!

Jins · 24/02/2012 12:41

My DC wouldn't wear wellies at that age and would rather miss any activity that required them to be worn. There are solutions to the problem that don't involve buying wellies and forcing them to be worn. Trainers are a bit more difficult as they are needed for PE but I've never owned a pair in my life so there must be solutions there.

You have my sympathy OP.

CailinDana · 24/02/2012 12:42

I'm not sure what the issue is really. She's an 8 year old girl who goes to school, so she should have trainers, wellies and a tracksuit in her wardrobe ready to go if she needs them. In your position I would have just given her the wellies and sent her off to school - she would have a hard time refusing to participate when a teacher was on her case. Expecting the school to accommodate your diva daughter is absolute madness.

What does she wear for PE?