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AIBU?

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Original poster

Weekend in Amsterdam - how would you feel?

557 replies

cathkidstonrefusnik · 18/02/2012 10:46

I wasn't sure where to post this - I'd like to have a range of views, so didn't post in feminism. I've name-changed.

Some background first...I work in a male-dominated environment where the view of women purely as sex objects amongst some of my co-workers (not all by any means) is not far below the surface.

It has improved in the year since I've been there, at least when I'm around, largely because I can, and do, challenge inappropriate behaviour - it's public sector, so there are strict policies, and my boss is very supportive, although somewhat unenlightened himself at times.

Anyway, in a few weeks' time, it's one of my co-worker's stag celebration, and a large party are going to Amsterdam. Now, unless I'm getting the wrong idea, this is bound to involve strip clubs, sex shows, possibly prostitutes, isn't it?

Although it's entirely up to them what they do (legally) in their own time, I must admit it gives me the creeps - I'm quite surprised by some of the ones who are going to, among them married men with young children.

Am I over-reacting? Is it at all possible the weekend will involve drinking and drugs without the sex element?

I haven't commented on it negatively in work, and what exactly the weekend involves hasn't been discussed in my presence.

OP posts:
StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 18/02/2012 10:53

they may be going to see the tulip farms and visit Anne Franks house, do a bit of cycling and stroll along the river Grin

luckylavender · 18/02/2012 10:54

It is absolutely none of your business - you must be a real joy to work with

WorraLiberty · 18/02/2012 10:55

Do you often worry about what other people get up to in their spare time?

Newmummytobe79 · 18/02/2012 10:56

They will probably walk past the sex shops, point and giggle like little boys Grin

To be fair, it's probably just a good old booze up and the flights/ferry was cheap

Hairynigel · 18/02/2012 10:56

It's not all sex. There is beer, weed and cakes as well Grin

But I'm guessing if it's a stag do it may involve a bit of sex like a show or something. Totally depends on the people that are going

youareallwrong · 18/02/2012 10:57

You do realise that men can go on stag dos abroad and NOT go to strip bars and have prostitutes. It does happen. Its just fun to go somewhere different and go drinking. The danger element is being abroad.

Yes they might go to them but its outside work time and your not invited.

Therefore NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS.

Newmummytobe79 · 18/02/2012 10:57

are you worried because your DP/DH is going too? Grin

ZillionChocolate · 18/02/2012 10:58

I think I've spent a weekend in Amsterdam 4 times and never had sex with a prostitute!

I think you should mind your own business. I'm not sure I'd want to hear every last detail of what happened on a stag do wherever it was held. It wouldn't be unreasonable to tell them to stop talking about it on their return if you're uncomfortable, in the same way you might about any legal activity of which you don't approve eg religion, shooting, wife swapping.

BluddyMoFo · 18/02/2012 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YellowDinosaur · 18/02/2012 10:58

I have to say its none of your business.

These are work colleagues who are making this trip in their own time and financed by themselves right? And you're not romantically involved with any off them?

Absolutely nothing to do with you what they get up to in their own time and if their wives are ok with it I don't see why it should even bother you. I certainly wouldn't have an issue with my dh going on a weekend like this because I would trust him completely.

TheFeministsWife · 18/02/2012 10:59

I see where you're coming from but I think I agree with luckylavender - that it's really none of your business. (And that's coming from a feminist). When I saw the title I thought it was going to be about your DH. I think you should just leave them to it OP. It doesn't effect you in any way, they're talking about in front of you, and (although questionable) it is legal in the country they're going to.

TheFeministsWife · 18/02/2012 10:59

*not talking...

Lueji · 18/02/2012 10:59

Van Gogh museum.
And don't forget the cafes. Wink

Although I bet they are actually going for the Heineken museum and brewery. Grin

TBH I'd leave the bride, wives and girlfriends to worry about it. Not really your problem, is it?

Starshaped · 18/02/2012 11:03

Have you been invited on the stag do? No? Well then, it's none of your business I'm afraid.

I think you have a pretty low opinion of people of you think all stag dos involve prostitutes Hmm. I know plenty of people who have gone to Amsterdam and not gone near sex show or the red light district.

Yes, perhaps some of the men will go to a sex show (and no, it isn't something I approve of either) but ultimately it's none of your business what you colleagues get up to in their free time. Sorry.

DialsMavis · 18/02/2012 11:06

DP has been to a stag do in Amsterdam and for a boys weekend. On the stag do they all got wasted on magic mushrooms and beer, then looked after the guy who was getting married because he over indulged. For the rest of the weekend they trundled about smoking. I have known the stag for 12 years and nothing would interest him less than prostitutes and sex shows. They did wander about in the red light district.

The boys weekend was before we got together (were very close friends for years before we were in a relationship) so I automatically heard all the gossip as all that went were close friends of mine. They did much the same as above sans the magic mushrooms. One of my dear, dear friends did sleep with a prostitute and it did change my opinion of him for a while. He was 21 at the time, if he did it now nearer 30, I think it would completely change my opinion of him. DP and the others just found it slightly tragic I think but didn't have a go at him or try and stop him or anything.

holidaywoe · 18/02/2012 11:08

Sorry but have to agree it really is none of your business what they do!
Yes they probably may end up going to a strip show (I know my DH and his mates did) but that doesnt necessarily mean that they are going to cheat on their wifes/partners with prostitutes.
You sound a bit uptight to be fair which makes me wonder if the office behaviour is as you say or just banter

GrahamTribe · 18/02/2012 11:08

Whether you're over-reacting or not is immaterial. The only thing to bear in mind is that it's none of your goddamned business.

Original poster
cathkidstonrefusnik · 18/02/2012 11:08

Some charming, eloquently worded responses here, thank you so much.

It's my business in the sense that a certain attitude towards women does sometimes permeate into my work environment - and unless you've been at the receiving end of that, then I'm not sure it's possible to understand how unpleasant that can be... although I can deal with it, and wouldn't have survived if I hadn't been able to.

The stag weekend, if it does involve what I (and others would view) as the objectification of women, is an embodiment of that attitude in my view.

However, I have obviously never experienced a stag weekend there myself, so it could well be drinking and maybe drugs without a sex element... that's why I was seeking some reasoned views here!

There is absolutely no way I would pass comment on it in work, so my co-workers have no idea what my thoughts are, and neither should they.

OP posts:
maybenow · 18/02/2012 11:08

while i have no time for stag dos that involve strip-clubs or lapdancing and certainly not prostitutes... to bee honest, you can have that kind of stag do in the UK easily enough.

just going to amsterdam doesn't mean it's going to be THAT kind of stag do.. it's a great city for clubbing, beer etc. (weed if you want)...

a misogynistic bastard is a misogynistic bastard wherever he goes and a decent bloke is a decent bloke in amsterdam as well as at home.

youareallwrong · 18/02/2012 11:09

And since when did your life stop when you got married or had small children? Are you chained to your wife and children and not allowed to go out and occasionally have fun with some close friends??

AlbertoFrog · 18/02/2012 11:09

I work in public sector too, in a mixed office, but thankfully we ignore all the pc crap and manage to have a laugh (whilst getting the work done obviously).

DH's mates went to Amsterdam for a stag do. They ate hash cakes, ogled the prostitutes in their windows and visited a strip show.

Out of 8 of them, 7 partners didn't bother but one wife went off on one. Guess who's divorced 10 years on?

But this isn't your partner or your friends. These are work colleagues and I agree with others who say it's none of your business.

Get over yourself.

DialsMavis · 18/02/2012 11:11

Yes maybenow! Completely agree

Original poster
cathkidstonrefusnik · 18/02/2012 11:12

Thanks maybenow, that's what I wondered.

OP posts:
MardyBra · 18/02/2012 11:17

I know it's Aibu but some of the responses are unjustifiably harsh.

I do agree with the majority that there's not a lot you can do. And i do see what you mean about the atmosphere invading the workplace. However, if they were to start referring to inappropriate activities, that would be out of order. But you can't really make a complaint on what you think might happen.

Personally I'd be inclined to wind them up by recommending some good museums.

youareallwrong · 18/02/2012 11:18

You think that points of view and sexism are created by stags dos in Amsterdam? Hmm yeah right. I think any level of that kind of behaviour in the workplace is created way before that. Thats part of a wider issue.

Its not your business in anyway what they do on their free time. Do you want to control other aspects of people's life as that may permeate into your work place? Shall we talk religion....? Or sexuality....?