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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think its a bit rude

207 replies

3brokentoes · 15/02/2012 17:03

for bride and groom to ask for money as a wedding present?

We have been invited to a wedding (My mums friends who we dont really know very well). The invitation states "We do not need anything for the house as we have all the pots and pans and everything else we will ever need. We would like monetary donations to have a fantastic honeymoon".

I have never heard of this before. Is this the norm these days? How much money would be acceptable?

OP posts:

LookAtAllTheseFucksIGive · 17/02/2012 13:30

We didn't mention gifts at all in our invitations. We wanted to share our day with those who meant something to us. The gifts we did get were very mixed and varied (I loved opening them the next day and seeing what people had decided we needed) We got a small amount of cash (£95 in all) some random vouchers and some incredibly ostentatious crystal wine glasses that will never see the light of day but were given to us by an aunt who has since passed away and they are lovely reminder of an eccentric but lovely woman. dh uncle gave us a silver envelope and said "Here's something to give you a bit of a start." He gave us a wink, shook dh's hand and walked off. When we opened it the next day it was a £15 Curry's voucher :o

CoffeeDog · 17/02/2012 14:12

We asked for money for things to do on honeymoon .... we went on safari and beech hol's in Kenya and had things on the list from £5.00 for canoe hire to a £200 ballon flight - an aunt and all of her 9 children paid for the ballon flight and it was a present from the xxx family ;) It got all the family talking to each other as well ;)

We took photps of us 'doing' the activities and wrote thankyous on the back ;)

allthatglittersisnotgold · 17/02/2012 14:35

It's fairly normal these days, a few of our friends have done it and why not? Much easier than going round shops , or trying to find something "affordable" on a wedding list.

This might be the best holiday of their whole lives, why not help them? I personally sigh with relief at seeing this as it's just so much easier!

allthatglittersisnotgold · 17/02/2012 14:39

Also if people have put on a lovely wedding, with food and a dance, and maybe even some money behond the bar, well I think of course one shoudl contribute something, better to give them money for something they will love, and you didn't have to "delight" them with your attendance!! If you don't like it, don't go!

LouMacca · 17/02/2012 14:50

PeaceLoveandCandy sums it up perfectly!

It's normal
It's common practice
It makes perfect sense
It's very very rude
and vulgar

featherbag · 17/02/2012 15:58

Who had a poem?!

ragged · 17/02/2012 16:08

How is it okay to have a wedding register (list of gifts you want) but not to ask for money instead? What's the difference?

Or put another way, suppose the couple agree that it's gasping to ask for money, but they won't want other gifts, either. Would it be better if their invite said NO GIFTS, and then if anyone gave a gift they just left it behind somewhere? Would you prefer that? What is a couple supposed to do if they don't want any things as gifts and know, hand-on-heart, they won't use them?

ButternutSquish · 17/02/2012 17:10

Whilst i agree that the wording was a bit blunt, I don't have a problem with giving cash. It's not like you actually have to go and hand it over in person.

I'm getting married next year and I personally won't be asking for cash but may ask for vouchers or honeymoon experiences. We've been invited to 3 weddings this year. One has asked for cash, the other JL vouchers and the other hasn't said anything at all. I know which one is going to cause the most hassel!

As I see it, I'll be putting the same amount of cash or vouchers in a card as I would spend on a present.

As an aside, we had an engagement drinks party and people turned up with presents when they had specifically been told not to (if asked). We've had bottles of wine, champagne, chocs, books, a wedding sign, a lovely vase but also the most horrible & ugly vase. It gave us so many laughs and will end up at the charity shop. Personally, I'd rather she'd not have bought anything but just had a lovely time with us

Floggingmolly · 17/02/2012 17:35

ragged. I'm most likely in the minority but I hate gift lists just as much. We all know guests are going to bring a gift but telling them what is required (with the implication that anything not listed would not be welcome) just doesn't sit right with me. It's a bit like guests coming for lunch who you know will bring wine or chocolates. Would it be ok to suggest that they bring toilet paper instead because you've run out, but already have plenty of wine and chocolate?

There's a bizarre sense of logic there, but of course it would be utterly ridiculous to actually do this in real life.

Accepting the risk of getting four toasters is the same principle to me.

complexnumber · 17/02/2012 17:47

My neice asked for money, no problem in my view.

We were getting her and her partner what they wanted. And that was enough for me.

HappyMummyOfOne · 17/02/2012 18:05

I think its rude and vulgar to ask for cash, should just charge an entry fee! I'd decline the invite and send them a goat!

If they want a fantastic honeymoon, then they should start saving for one not bill the cost to the wedding guests. If they have everything they need for the house then they dont need the money anyway.

pastelshade · 17/02/2012 18:10

DH is Chinese and it's the tradition there for guests to give money. Apparently the whole of China is vulgar then .

I was glad as we'd both had our own houses for years before we married, it would have been annoying to end up with lots of things we didn't need.

AntsMarching · 17/02/2012 18:19

I always give cash as a wedding gift, unless the couple specifically request something.

It sounds like lots of other people give cash too, but why get mad about? Yes, it's tacky to put a request on the invite, but it does save the bride/groom or their parents getting 50 separate phone calls asking what they'd like as a gift.

In my view, a wedding gift is to help the couple start off in life together. I'd rather give money and let them decide how they want to start their life, whether it be household goods or a honeymoon, then think I know them better than themselves and decide for them.

The amount of tat that we we given when DH and I married. I wrote lovely thank you cards for all of it, mentioning the item specifically, then took the stuff I would never ever use (such as a pink flat sheet for a size bed I didn't even own) back to the shops if I could work out where they came from or donated em to charity

ArielNonBio · 17/02/2012 18:21

HappyMummyOfOne, no it really isn't like a bill. Or an entry fee either. Because those things are specified amounts you have to pay. You don't have to give them money. Give them a crappy vase if you want. Or nothing.

What would some of you do if you were invited to a Jewish wedding? Or a Chinese one? Clutch your pearls in horror and refuse to go?

Lambzig · 17/02/2012 18:23

Its rude, grabby and appalling etiquette (as indeed is putting any information about gift registry's or presents in the invite - you should wait until asked)

However, seems to be the norm these days.

ArielNonBio · 17/02/2012 18:30

Who decides on etiquette, just out of interest? Why do some of you seem so aware of it, and some of us remain in happy ignorance?

Lawrene8 · 17/02/2012 18:36

I agree it is rude. But I also think it's rude to include a gift lust with the invite. When we got married we waited for people to ask our mothers about presents and mothers then said our preference was vouchers. Certainly didn't solicit a gift, but so many people seem to do thus now! That makes me sound really old

MrsBovary · 17/02/2012 19:24

"DH is Chinese and it's the tradition there for guests to give money. Apparently the whole of China is vulgar then hmm"

That's not what people mean at all, Pastelshade.

GavisconJunkie · 17/02/2012 19:26

I'm of the age where we seem to spend our lives attending friends/cousins weddings. I groan in horror when no gift list/direction for gifts is included. It's a monumental paining the arse to have to come up with something/phone the hosts. I look forward to getting details of wedding lists.

We said that people's attendance was all we required & that we appreciated the distance everyone was travelling, prior to sending the invitations we'd had a number of queries about what we'd want & said nothing. This did NOT go down well, especially with older family members. Bearing this in mind we included a note to the effect that if anyone really felt they needed to give us a gift, we would appreciate a small donation to our new kitchen fund & included a very small gift list with 15 or so items costing no more than £30, most £10 or less.

ragged · 17/02/2012 20:10

That's true, do bridal couple really want to be fielding dozens of queries about "What would you like? Is there a gift list?" right when they have so much else to organise? And then they have to dig out addresses again or email/textr, when they could have just included the Gift registery with John Lewis words on the invite so much more conveniently.

Also, suppose the couple don't include any gift details on the invite, but then they are asked what they want. If the couple really prefer cash, can they say so at this point? or is it still rude & "gasping"?

ArielNonBio · 17/02/2012 20:21

Some people here are certainly gasping, ragged

featherbag · 17/02/2012 20:23

Sounds like there's a broad mix of opinions. Is it possible that different social circles have developed their own 'etiquette' or expectations/ideas of what's acceptable and what's not? Seriously, in my family & social group, not putting a list or gift direction in with the invite is seen as odd and a little inconvenient for the guests, as they then have to go to the trouble of contacting the wedding party for ideas or risk getting the couple something inappropriate or wasting their money. Asking for cash/vouchers is entirely normal and not seen as rude or grasping in the slightest.

Having said that, it's also not really 'the norm' to invite acquaintances, only people who actually know the bride and groom and care about them, and to then put some money and thought into making sure the guests also enjoy the day. For example, we made sure our wedding venue was easy to get to, and that our reception venue was easy to get to and reasonably priced for drinks, so that our guests wouldn't have to save up to attend! We also put some serious thought and research into the food and drinks packages we ordered, so that there'd be something for everyone.

GavisconJunkie · 17/02/2012 20:30

Quite featherbag we invited family & a few very close friends, 60 guests in total, we thought this was quite big!

I'm from northern Ireland, DH is from London & we live in sw England (as do some of his family & our friends) as a result we were very appreciative to everyone who made the effort to come & went out of our way to accommodate everyone with food/drink. We made sure the nut allergy sufferer & vegan had appropriate edible favours etc.

We didn't include instructions ongifts for evening only guests, a couple did buy us lovely tokens though, photo albums & the like.

featherbag · 17/02/2012 20:35

Ooh no, not for evening only guests, that would be rude - 'you aren't important enough to us to watch us get married, but please give us a gift'. Did get quite a lot of enquiries from evening guests about presents though, and told them what vouchers we'd like but reiterated that them being there was the important thing, not presents.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 17/02/2012 20:55

It makes me laugh this subject and find it all a bit bemusing..... Everyone is different and has different needs. I have not been to a single wedding where i have felt obliged to buy a gift, but i would not dream of going to a wedding without having bought a gift, or given money, depending on the couple's wishes... My MIL was really sniffy when now-DH and I got together and were going to weddings where there was, horror of horrors, a gift list . Very vulgar apparently. However, fast forward a couple of years to when BIL/SIL got married and had a small gift list, by which point it was apparently ok. But in addition to that she also said it was 'very bad form' to turn up at the wedding with the gift; you should apparently have delivered it in advance. In fact my SIL had all the wedding gifts on display for people to come and look at in advance of the wedding. People were literally trooping round looking at the gifts like it was some sort of showroom. . but if just to further justify why I think some direction for wedding guests is necessary, SIL/BIL received 22, yes 22 sets of towels as gifts...
Now gift lists are seemingly ok, according to MIL, but giving money is not. I don't really care as long as the couple are getting what they want!

Don't really know what the point of my post is, just that I suppose all couples are different and whilst no one should expect gifts at all, I think direction or suggestions are useful in helping to not end up with loads of stuff you don't need, just to keep other people happy!!

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