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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its a bit rude

207 replies

3brokentoes · 15/02/2012 17:03

for bride and groom to ask for money as a wedding present?

We have been invited to a wedding (My mums friends who we dont really know very well). The invitation states "We do not need anything for the house as we have all the pots and pans and everything else we will ever need. We would like monetary donations to have a fantastic honeymoon".

I have never heard of this before. Is this the norm these days? How much money would be acceptable?

OP posts:
Original poster
3brokentoes · 15/02/2012 19:25

Oh dear! We have a complete divide here! When i was younger and in my prime Wink and attended many weddings the bride and groom were grateful for household things to set up home. Nowadays it seems that when a couple have lived together and have already got a houseful of trashwhat they need and then decide to get married their guests have to pay for their honeymoon.

I think i will renew my wedding vows. Maybe I will get a holiday out of my guests? By the way my children have not been invited to the wedding so its going to cost me BIG TIME to pay for childcare.

I think I will save myself a fortune and not bother going - its not as if we will be missed anyway. I have only met the bride twice!

OP posts:
BeamMysterious · 15/02/2012 19:37

The last wedding I got invited to included a Kuoni reference number for their honeymoon fund. I thought it was a bit cheeky, there was no other option and they were planning a 9 week trip.Envy

Cherriesarelovely · 15/02/2012 19:40

I'm in two minds about this. On the one hand I think it is a bit rude and presumptious but on the other if people ARE going to spend their hard earned cash on a present for a couple then it might as well be something that they actually want.

handbagCrab · 15/02/2012 19:43

We asked for money for our honeymoon if people wanted to buy us a gift. We went round the world. Everyone got a nice thank you card saying what we spent their contribution on. The memories will last longer than a toaster and we don't need 'best' china.

I don't see how it's more grabby to ask for money for a specific thing than to give people a list of specific things that they can spend their money on. Most gifts were about £20-£30 a couple/ family.

I don't get what's rude about asking for money as a preference over other things. I for one am tired of feeling guilty about taking £100s of stuff to the charity shop that was given as presents from people who give what they want to give. It's such a waste of money and resources.

DickSwivellersTidyWife · 15/02/2012 19:43

Rude. I would be buying a goat from Oxfam or something similar.

Driftwood999 · 15/02/2012 19:46

Never been to a Greek Wedding? The custom is to pin money on the bride and groom. We're all part of Europe apparently Personally I approve of this tradition.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 19:48

Oooh brilliant, there hasn't been one of these for a couple of weeks.

Ahem.

Nasty, tasteless, classless, grabby, rude etc etc etc

Xmasbaby11 · 15/02/2012 19:49

Normal but badly worded.

GavisconJunkie · 15/02/2012 19:51

Normal & how is it a problem? Most people live together before now so have everything they need.

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 15/02/2012 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummymccar · 15/02/2012 19:59

Personally I think it depends on the couple. If they have had a low budget wedding and genuinely can't afford a honeymoon then I'm more than happy to give. If the couple have just spent 20K on their wedding and are then asking for money towards a honeymoon then IMO that is very rude and they can sing for it!
I once went to a wedding with a very large budget, donated £50 towards a honeymoon on top of paying £200 to actually be there and never received a thank you! Still haven't forgiven them for that, especially as they knew how tight money was for us at the time. Now I won't give the couple a gift unless we have been invited for the whole day and they'll actually appreciate it.

ginmakesitallok · 15/02/2012 20:06

I don't think it's rude at all. Giving a wedding present is the norm, and people aren't being grasping if they expect one. Why give someone a present that they are never going to use when £ is more useful?

However - my cousin was extremely grabby (IMHO) when it came to her wedding. They had a wedding list (normal and OK) but also asked for a donation to a charity they are involved in, and suggested a minimum donation. Now one or the other I could respect - but they expected both???Hmm This is the same cousin who then attended my other cousin's wedding and didn't give them ANYTHING (despite other cousin having very reasonably priced stuff on their wedding list)

ginmakesitallok · 15/02/2012 20:08

Oh - and I've just remembered re first cousins wedding. We couldn't go, but got them comethign off wedding list. We never got a thank-you card and it was only when my Mum asked my Aunt whether or not they'd received it I got a message through facebook thanking me for it (about 18 months after the bloody wedding!)

JustHecate · 15/02/2012 20:09

I think it's considered ok by most. I don't like it. But then I think you shouldn't ask for any gift. I don't like gift lists, I don't like give us your cash poems. I think it should go
"what would you like?"
"You don't have to get us anything, honestly"
"No, I'd like to"
"Well, if you're sure, that would be very generous of you, we don't have an X / we are trying to save towards Y..."

It just seems more polite to do the little social dance Grin

TidyDancer · 15/02/2012 20:23

handbagCrab - re your comment about not seeing what is more grabby about money requests than a gift list....it's poor etiquette to include either in the same envelope as the invitation.

It's like having a bloody entry fee to a wedding. It's just plain rude.

Floggingmolly · 15/02/2012 20:24

It is normal. That doesn't make it anything approaching ok.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 20:25

Ah well you see, I have never had a wedding invitation which didn't contain some kind of guidance about gifts. And before I read about it on MN, I never knew that people considered it "poor etiquette".

Clearly everyone I know who has ever got married is grabby, tasteless, rude etc etc etc.

BuggerlugsTheFirst · 15/02/2012 20:43

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FriskyBivalves · 15/02/2012 20:44

Rude. They might as well sell tickets on the door. And charge for handing you an Order of Service. Glass of champagne? £5 please.

In fact, Ryanair don't do weddings. But if they did... They'd look something like this.

BuggerlugsTheFirst · 15/02/2012 20:50

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ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 20:59

Must be exhausting going through life getting so offended by things.

If you don't want to go to a wedding, don't. Doubt the inviter cares that much anyway.

FriskyBivalves · 15/02/2012 21:02

Buggerlugs - < warming to my theme>

or, I know, you could charge guests for bringing any bag bigger than a basic clutch Grin.

I think this is a real Marmite one. There just seems something very venal about expecting mates or relatives to hand over cash. The whole tradition of a wedding present was indeed to set up newly-weds in their first ever home that was then full of memories of the people who gave you your napkins/plates/cushions whatever. I don't really want to put money into a great anonymous holiday slushfund.

And I think hecate is right - if money is bein sought, there needs to be at least some polite square-dancing about the present. Otherwise it feels like a Paypal transaction after buying something on eBay.

Angel786 · 15/02/2012 21:02

I think the wording was rude but if it said no boxed gifts I'd be fine with giving money, just the phraseology that was off IMO.

scaryteacher · 15/02/2012 21:03

I think it's rude to ask for money for a honeymoon, especially as someone said earlier, many will be financially strapped by going to the wedding anyway. If your guests can't afford a holiday - why should they pay for yours?

I also really dislike equating the size of the gift with how much the day cost. If you can't afford a big wedding, don't have one, and don't look to your guests to make up the costs.

SugarPasteHedgehog · 15/02/2012 21:05

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