Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its a bit rude

207 replies

3brokentoes · 15/02/2012 17:03

for bride and groom to ask for money as a wedding present?

We have been invited to a wedding (My mums friends who we dont really know very well). The invitation states "We do not need anything for the house as we have all the pots and pans and everything else we will ever need. We would like monetary donations to have a fantastic honeymoon".

I have never heard of this before. Is this the norm these days? How much money would be acceptable?

OP posts:
ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:17

And then we can take them straight to the British Heart Foundation! Yes, let's!

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 22:32

No, perhaps you, Ariel should accept that I have a different opinion from you and stop getting snippy about it.

This is an internet forum after all. By all means disagree with me but there's no need to be rude is there? Smile

marshmallowpies · 15/02/2012 22:42

Mummymccar has it spot on for me - it does depend on how 'big' the wedding is in the first place...if a bride and groom have scrimped and saved to put together the wedding they can best afford, why would I begrudge helping out with their holiday costs if they have treated us to a lovely wedding?

My oldest friend is not that well off, has various family & health issues, and has been married before, so has planned a small wedding based on the budget she can afford, and has asked for honeymoon contributions so they can have the holiday of a lifetime. They really deserve it and I'm happy to contribute.

Mind you, when I heard the place they are going, somewhere that's had some, um, tension and civil war a few years back, my first thought was Are you sure you want to go THERE?. Ah well, each to their own.

GinMakes - asking for gifts AND a charity donation definitely seems a bit cheeky to me - we asked for either/or but lots of lovely people did donate to charity as well as buying a present. I am really touched by this and am going to thank them profusely, as I really wasn't expecting people to do both.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:45

Rude? No, not I. I'm sorry you find me so. Nor am I snippy; I'm simply sniggering at all the people who froth and simmer when they receive a standard wedding invitation. These are often the same people who think nothing of being astoundingly rude sometimes to perfect strangers on AIBU, with the excuse that "It's AIBU - what did you expect?" for example. Kind of sums of the strange contradictions of certain sections of British society.

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 22:55

Well that's not me, either - I hope. I very much dislike the way people jump on others on AIBU and have said so and I personally feel that area of the board should be discontinued for that reason.

I wouldn't be furious about receiving an invitation asking for money - but I would privately think it was rude. I may decide to give money to someone at my discretion, but I would never ever ask for it myself or anything else.

Look, if I was getting married I would invite people because I want their company genuinely, not because I expect a gift or money. If they want to give a gift, very nice of them but if not then fine. What if people were skint and couldn't afford to buy anything? That's the crux of it for me.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:57

Well, we'll agree to disagree then. Apart from about AIBU :)

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 22:59

Agreed Smile

OlympicEater · 16/02/2012 18:37

Well it seems like a popular option over here

RuleBritannia · 16/02/2012 20:58

When my DH and I married, we purposely didn't have a wedding present list because there was nothing that we 'needed'. One or two guests asked what we'd like so we produced a short list in case anyone asked - nothing much on it. People either bought a gift of their own choosing (vases, bed linen, garden bulbs, all sorts) or cash from £10 upwards. We didn't really want for anything so were pleased that people had thought about it and there was noithing that we didn't like. The money was useful for putting together to buy something like, for example, an extending ladder. Who would give an extending ladder as a wedding present? But we hadn't got one so the money was useful there.

featherbag · 16/02/2012 21:05

CBA to read the whole thread, but I think YABU. Would you rather buy them something they don't want which will molder in the bottom of a cupboard for a year or 2 before being given to the local charity shop? Our invitations had a gift request on the back - 'we'd rather have your presence than your presents, but if feel you would like to give us a gift, vouchers of any value for xxx travel agents will help us have a fabulous honeymoon!'

Many guests told us they were pleased we'd done this as they really did want to give us something but as we'd lived together for 10 years and didn't need any 'housey' stuff they were really struggling with what to give!

diddl · 17/02/2012 07:21

That "gift request" is awful imo and just shows that there is no "untacky" way of saying don´t buy this-I want this!

Animation · 17/02/2012 07:39

So tell me what you want what you really really want
I'll tell you what I want what I really really want
I want a I want a I want a
I want a monetary donation for a fantastic honeymoon!

Thanks

How about saying it that way? Wink

featherbag · 17/02/2012 08:02

Good job you weren't invited to my wedding then ain't it, diddl?

Everyone at our wedding came under the heading of 'nearest and dearest,' so we didn't have to worry about anyone thinking it was 'awful' or thinking badly of us.

diddl · 17/02/2012 08:19

I just wonder why it´s necessary to say anything with the invitation tbh rather than wait to be asked?

featherbag · 17/02/2012 08:28

In our family/group of friends it's become customary over the years to include/refer to the wedding list in the invitation, that's why we included it. We didn't want to risk ending up with 90 toasters, or any of our guests wasting their money!

exaspomum · 17/02/2012 11:41

It's dreadful. What an over-inflated sense of entitlement they must have. If you want to give them a present how about a charitable gift given in their name? Might make them count their blessings. Why on earth should they expect anyone to contribute to their honeymoon? Awful. I'm getting cross thinking about them!

BuggerlugsTheFirst · 17/02/2012 12:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 17/02/2012 12:03

I'm still utterly baffled at why people will happily buy items from a gift list at John Lewis, but won't buy items from a gift list at trail finders.

It's not compulsory to contribute to a holiday, and you can still buy a present if you prefer, or not.

BuggerlugsTheFirst · 17/02/2012 12:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

MagnifyingGlassSearch · 17/02/2012 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsBovary · 17/02/2012 12:58

Makes me cringe too. Rude, vulgar, not normal in my own experience.

Agree the addition of an 'amusing' poem by way of requesting the cash is distasteful too.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 17/02/2012 13:03

Well, everybody we know has done this (bar one couple who were just starting out and hadn't lived together before and did the giant John Lewis trip with the zappy thing and got a bit carried away and had some mad things on their gift list Grin

So we'll be doing it too :) (only bloody way we'll ever get an overseas holiday at this rate! Wink )

marshmallowpies · 17/02/2012 13:06

Definitely agree the poems are a no-no, but then I've never had one on an invite, just a politely worded request for money towards a holiday which they would remember for the rest of their lives. And as I said before, in at least 2 cases where I was asked to donate money, I received very nice thank yous telling me what they'd done on the holiday and how the money had been spent, which was a very nice touch.

It's never been worded in such a way as to come across as grabbing or offensive...if I had received a corny poem, I might feel differently.

alldaysleeper · 17/02/2012 13:11

DH's neice recently did this, we were ok with it as they have lived together quite a long time & don't really need anything. But I wasn't keen on the fact that the honeymoon had already been paid for by credit card long before the invites even arrived. In fact her mum told us that they came out with about £400 in cash more than they actually spent on the honeymoon

Kaloobear · 17/02/2012 13:14

We're going to a wedding this weekend which will have a 'wishing well' (and yes, there was a poem in the invite). I am gritting my teeth and getting on with it even though I think it's utterly distasteful. What's the norm-does the cash go in an envelope with your wedding card or is it anonymous? If I'm giving them cash I will be pissed off if I don't get a thank you card!