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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think its a bit rude

207 replies

3brokentoes · 15/02/2012 17:03

for bride and groom to ask for money as a wedding present?

We have been invited to a wedding (My mums friends who we dont really know very well). The invitation states "We do not need anything for the house as we have all the pots and pans and everything else we will ever need. We would like monetary donations to have a fantastic honeymoon".

I have never heard of this before. Is this the norm these days? How much money would be acceptable?

OP posts:
ReduceRecycleRegift · 15/02/2012 17:59

I HATE the poems BTW, would rather it came matter of fact!

"to save you a shopping trip" errr have you not met me? we're supposed to be friends, you know I love to shop! Grin

GinSlinger · 15/02/2012 18:03

oh we haven't had one of these for such a long time. My joy would be unconfined if these people were also refusing to have children at their wedding and insisting on a colour theme.

Please don't disappoint me.

MarriedInVegas · 15/02/2012 18:05

fair enough then ReduceRR Thats just my opinion :) ! I see it as "well they obviously want me there if they are willing to pay for me to attend there day/evening ect" so i dont mind contributing, that said i would never give more than i could afford whether that be £15 or £50

diddl · 15/02/2012 18:07

Rude-assumes you want to give something!

HardCheese · 15/02/2012 18:07

I've never come across the poems asking for cash - can someone link to one? My mind is boggling. All I can think of are those foul little plaques people used occasionally to have in their bathrooms going on about 'If you tinkle when you winkle/Please be sweet and wipe the seat'.

diddl · 15/02/2012 18:10

"However, if a couple are so fortunate as to have everything they need, why expect anything at all?"

Exactly-let alone for guest to pay for a honeymoon!

eurochick · 15/02/2012 18:14

Normal but poorly worded.

whackamole · 15/02/2012 18:16

This is such a divisive issue.

I am getting married in June and am not having a gift list (we will have been together nearly 10 years by the time we get married) but will also not be saying anything like that. If anyone wants to give money I will certainly be receiving graciously.

I think it is rude the way they have worded it, but the idea of it is fine. I don't like the idea that they will be put out if people don't give them money.

cocoachannel · 15/02/2012 18:16

We got one with a poem asking for money the other day. Cringed.

Cant decide whether that is better than the invitation we received with the couple's bank account and sort code on the back...

ReduceRecycleRegift · 15/02/2012 18:26

I'ld rather the bank details than a poem making out that they're doing ME a favour by saving me a shopping trip Hmm

Like with child free weddings - that's fine! no problem! just STATE that that's what you wanted don't tell me you're doing it to give me a "night off" FFS

My rule is, if you're going to do it, OWN IT! don't pretend you're doing anyone else favours! and don't fucking make it rhyme! Grin

catgirl1976 · 15/02/2012 18:27

It is becoming more and more common but it is beyond rude

Birdsgottafly · 15/02/2012 18:35

"However, if a couple are so fortunate as to have everything they need, why expect anything at all?"

Because it is rude not to give a gift if you are attending a wedding, or any celebration.

A gift should be something that the receiver wants or needs, or at least would like. I don't understand why you would want to trail the shops to buy something that might end up in a charity shop, which would mean that the couple gets into debt to enjoy their honeymoon.

Why not just be happy to contribute to them having a good time or getting something big that they couldn't afford without help?

If you don't wish them well an think this is about your wants, don't go to the wedding at all.

marshmallowpies · 15/02/2012 18:35

I've been asked to donate for a honeymoon more often than I've been asked to buy gifts, in the last few years. There are sites you can log specific 'experiences' on, e.g. buy us a night of cocktails, buy us a trip on a riverboat, etc and when I've given money for something like this I've had nice thank you cards afterwards telling us something about the holiday which is always nice to hear about. I don't feel it's grasping at all.

We didn't do it, though, as we decided not to have a big honeymoon. I wanted to ask for charity donations but DH pointed out people would want to buy 'real' presents too, and we might end up with things we didn't want/need if we didn't do a proper list.

So we ended up asking for charity donations OR 'if you really want to buy us a gift, here's our list'. We ended up getting about half the stuff off the list bought for us, about another 7 or 8 people who gave money or bought something not on the list (luckily all nice stuff) so it all worked out OK.

However there are a handful of people who didn't buy a gift OR let us know they'd made a donation. I don't mind at all about the gift but if they donated to our chosen charities and didn't tell us they did it...we don't know, so we can't thank them! (Can think of at least one person who might have not bothered to look at the gift list/charity page at all and a few who might have genuinely forgotten).

This makes writing our thank yous really tricky - so if you are asked to donate to charity for a wedding, please let the bride and groom know you've done it, or you might not get thanked!

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 18:38

I'm shocked that so many people see money grabbing as acceptable nowadays.

Asking for money is crass and tasteless and vulgar. People who do it are rude.

BuggerlugsTheFirst · 15/02/2012 18:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

RunnyGrobbles · 15/02/2012 18:41

I think it is tacky and cheap. People used to give pots, pans etc to help new couples get set up together. The necessities of home life were relatively much more expensive before Ikea etc. It was a form of housewarming present, and also meant that the couple would have some everyday object in their house which reminded them of your contribution.

Paying for 2% of someones week on the beach is NOT in the same spirit.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 15/02/2012 18:45

For hard Cheese. This is the most recent money grabbing request we received

Because at first we lived in sin
We've got the sheets and the rubbish bin
A gift from you would be swell
Or a donation to our wishing well

The tradition of the wishing well
Used on the wedding day is here
For both money gifts
And what you would like to say

So please drop a token
Of love for the groom and bride
As we start our future together
Side by side

Ugh! It could not be worse. In fact it is so bad I'm wondering if they wrote it themselves.

catgirl1976 · 15/02/2012 18:45

A gift should never be expected. Asking in this way is rude as it assumes you will give a gift. (And yes of course you would, but that it not the point)

The joy of a gift it the thought the giver has put in - there is no thought in cash.

Asking for money is in very bad taste. It is as cringeful as it gets.

The poems are beyond disgusting as they try to make this appalling show of vulgarity and lack of manners "cute" or "funny".

If defecated on your dining table, I doubt very much the fact I accompanied it with a witty little poem would do anything to make the act more palatable.

This is pretty much the same.

diddl · 15/02/2012 18:45

"People used to give pots, pans etc to help new couples get set up together."

Yes, so if they have lived together & have everything, isn´t that just tough for them?

Why should people give money for a honeymoon or-for what?

If they have everything for their house, what do they need money for?

lollopybear · 15/02/2012 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catgirl1976 · 15/02/2012 18:50

I know it's quite unusual
And not what others do
But on your dining table
I've done a steaming poo

Nope. The poem doesn't excuse the lack of manners and social awareness.

RunnyGrobbles · 15/02/2012 18:52

diddl, since I don't drink wine, how about if I asked people coming to a dinner party to bring a ten pound note instead? Is that rude? Why should I lose out compared to people who drink?

Clytaemnestra · 15/02/2012 19:00

We basically said that we have everthing we want, if you want to give us something to commemorate the occasion then a donation to a charity which is important to us would be fantastic, but please don't feel you have to, we just want you there.

About 50% gave to charity, 30% gave nothing and 20% gave gifts they chose. Each option was equally OK with us.

Clytaemnestra · 15/02/2012 19:01

Ooops cut off before I was finished!

I would rather get people something they want, if they know what they want. If they don't I'm happy to choose!

GrahamTribe · 15/02/2012 19:07

It's horribly, horribly rude. If couples are fortunate to have all they need it would be far nicer and less grabby to suggest that those who would like to might contribute to a favourite charity.