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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think its a bit rude

207 replies

3brokentoes · 15/02/2012 17:03

for bride and groom to ask for money as a wedding present?

We have been invited to a wedding (My mums friends who we dont really know very well). The invitation states "We do not need anything for the house as we have all the pots and pans and everything else we will ever need. We would like monetary donations to have a fantastic honeymoon".

I have never heard of this before. Is this the norm these days? How much money would be acceptable?

OP posts:
SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 15/02/2012 21:41

Gosh I think people are being a bit harsh on Brokentoes...I mean I do disagree with her (in part anyway) but I think she's being feisty and funny rather than unpleasant.

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 21:45

There have been loads of threads about this.

I think it's the height of rudeness but that's just me, not to mention tacky, grasping and crass. Particularly when they have everything they need 'so we'll just use this as an opportunity to cash in' nice!!

Yawner247 · 15/02/2012 21:46

Well said perception!

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 21:47

When I got married I didn't even expect people to buy presents - I certainly would not have wanted to direct them in any way on what to buy, if anything.

SquidgyBiscuits · 15/02/2012 21:47

I don't think its rude of a bride & groom to assume that those attending their wedding will be giving a gift of some sort. And I don't know anybody who would attend a wedding without a gift. In the same way, I have lots of wine and beer in the house, but if friends come over for dinner they still bring some with them. I do assume that they'll bring something, and would be a bit miffed if they turned up empty handed, because I'd find it rude. I suppose its the same principal really, assuming people will gift, but not expecting etc.

I also agree that it should make no difference whatsoever whether a couple would prefer money to have the honeymoon of a lifetime or a casserole dish. A gift is unconditional, and I would always prefer to gift something that will be valued by the recipient, for whatever reason.

For our own wedding we didn't specify anything, except to a couple of people who asked that we would prefer not to receive vouchers, other than that not bothered. We tend to shop in small independent shops, and I'm not overly keen on the typical voucher shops. As it went, most people put cash or a cheque in a card. A few people gave gifts. We already had everything we needed for the house, and have our own taste, so I wouldn't really want lots of household items that I perhaps wouldn't have chosen myself. However, the few bits we did get were mostly lovely, and we treasure them. One guest did get us a rather expensive ornament that has lived in its box for the couple of years since we married.

All in all, we received several thousand pounds, of which a fairly large proportion was spent on honeymoon - we went for dinner in a Michelin starred restaurant, hired a better car, upgraded our flights etc.

So I suppose after that long post, I think requests of any sort are generally unnecessary as when in doubt the vast majority will give money anyway.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 21:49

Oh BE HONEST. Bloody hell. When you got married, you weren't expecting any presents? Reeeeeeally?

conspire · 15/02/2012 21:51

Unless people actually snatch the money from your purse then I don't see it as money grabbing. You don't have to give anything, you can choose to give nothing, you can choose to give a toaster or you can choose to give them what they want. IME if someone invites you to their wedding then they like you and will assume that you like them and would like to get them something that they want.

I have no vested interest. DH and I married young, had a JL gift list consisting of towels and plates which was not sent out with the invitations but was available on request. I have been to a lot of weddings (and also other parties such as baptisms, anniversaries, birthdays) and I would always rather get something that the recipient wants and will get pleasure out of that something they don't want or need. I think its utterly bizzare to go to a wedding without a gift and perhaps etiquette needs to catch up and acknowledge that guests will want to bring something and a bit of direction may be appreciated by many.

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 21:54

Yes Ariel - I forgot about the fact people buy presents (honestly!) I'm not trying to sell myself as a saint here wink

SquidgyBiscuits · 15/02/2012 21:54

Just want to clarify - we had booked our honeymoon and paid for the flights, had money put aside for the travels. (Went on a roadtrip in the states).

But, the money that was gifted to us meant we could do things that perhaps we wouldn't have otherwise done. And we'll have the memories of those things forever, which will be treasured a hell of a lot more than some bedding or a picture frame.

roundtable · 15/02/2012 21:55

You sound delightful op, I'm sure your presence will be sorely missed.

My comment was a general one, hence the use of a plural, you just took it personally.

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 21:58

In any case, the point is - nobody is obliged to buy a present for anyone in any situation - ie, birthdays, weddings whatever. The fact they do is very nice if they want to. The onus should be on them and it should be of their choosing only. To express an expectation of any gift is vulgar imo.

I mean, when it's your child's birthday do you send lists to friends and relatives telling them what to buy? Or telling them to give money??

SootySweepandSue · 15/02/2012 21:59

We were asked for actual CASH for a wedding. Disgusting I thought. A wedding gift is meant to be a thoughtful gift that the couple will look after, use and possibly cherish if you're lucky. It is a celebration of their togetherness. I did not agree with giving cash (my DP paid as they were his friends). As far as we knew it could have gone on their bloody weekly shop!

SootySweepandSue · 15/02/2012 22:01

Ps - contributing to a honeymoon is ok in my boom as long as it is in voucher form, just not cold hard cash Smile.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:02

What about a cheque? What are your views on that? Money transfer?

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 15/02/2012 22:03

Sooty well if it's okay with your boom it's okay by me Grin

FourEyesGood · 15/02/2012 22:04

SootySweepandSue So what if it went on their weekly shop? I'd bet money (yes, the money YOU gave me for my wedding) that a huge number of wedding presents - those hideous ornaments and pretty but pointless "best" wine glasses) end up on eBay and in charity shops. If the happy couple want to spend my gift money on beans and cornflakes, let them. As long as they're happy and married, then the wedding present has done its job.

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 22:05

Ah I found one of those awful poems from another old thread that an mner actually received

'"We've been together a few years now;
We have pots and pans and linen and towels;
We have glasses and toasters, really quite a few;
So instead of more gifts, we suggest this to you;
If it doesn't offend and it won't send you running;
What we would really appreciate is quite simply money;
We know choosing gifts can be such a pain;
And this way there is no chance of bringing the same.

I would rather poke my eyes out than send anyone that!

SarahDoctorIndyHouse · 15/02/2012 22:06

With you there Perception: half of it doesn't even rhyme!!!

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 22:06

A friend told me about a wedding she went to where envelopes were put on the table for guests to put money in.

Later on in the evening she observed the groom opening the envelopes and then going up to the bar to use the money for drinks Shock

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:09

So much of this is cultural: the British traditions of agonising over form, going through tortuous motions trying to avoid saying anything straight, wincing over being seen to want something or need something, meandering and ricocheting through unwritten rules of form and politeness....blah blah blah.

FourEyesGood · 15/02/2012 22:10

perception I'm shocked by that too. A man should not have to buy drinks at his own wedding - where were his friends?

perceptionreality · 15/02/2012 22:12

If it's cultural then it's perhaps one aspect of British culture I agree with - far preferable than to appear grasping and entitled.

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:12

(I remember queueing up at the bar in my wedding dress clutching some coins. Wankers)

ArielNonBio · 15/02/2012 22:14

Oh here we are again - "graspy and entitled".

Perhaps you ought to just accept that you should stay in your own social and etiquette-y circle, lest you feel offended when you step out of it.

FourEyesGood · 15/02/2012 22:16

Ariel That's just given me a brilliant idea. Let's go out in our wedding dresses and queue up at the bar, looking a bit sad. We'll get loads of drinks bought for us! And maybe some cash in envelopes too! And maybe even some Royal Doulton figurines, from those people who don't like to give cash. Grin