To be concerned this childcare is making DS insecure and sensitive?

[yellowjellybean]

We are close friends with a couple who have a 6 yr old son. The father works full time, late nights because of his industry. The mother works (out of choice, no financial need) full time also. She travels perhaps once a fortnight and is often away for a whole week. Se enjoys her work hugely and the lifestyle that comes with it and doesn't want to give that up.

Their DS is cared for by grandmother and grandfather, and sometimes aunt and uncle. I would say the grandmother and aunt are the main carers in this child's life. He hardly sees mother and father due to work. It has been like this since birth.

As we watch him grow up, he is becoming more and more sensitive, insecure and unsure of himself. He gets extremely distressed for example if his aunt or grandmother show attention or affection to another child. He doesn't have this reaction when it's his mother.

When I talk to them about DS they say it's wonderful he has so many people around him showing him love. I agree that is a wonderful thing, except I think he doesn't feel loved by his mother or father - or at least not as much as he needs. And the love he gets from grandmother and aunt is beginning to be held back a little to try and redress the balance and let him know 'his mother is his mother'.

All in all I think he is confused, and while he gets lots of sporadic love and attention from a large group of adults, he has no one person who is his main 'mother/father figure', who gives continuity and therefore security.

Our children spend a lot of time with their son and increasingly he is showing sensitive and/or jealous behaviour around my children. I don't want to stop being friends but beginning to dread spending time with them because of it.

Yule - conversely - I was at home full-time when DD1 was small and of course she took her first steps the time I asked my friend to look after her while I went to the dentist !

That's very true, how would the OP feel about the mother if she had to go to work (as apparently she just works to get her nails done)
I work full time because we need to pay the bills (even though we prob. spend money on "inessential " items, and shock horror even visit the nail bar every 3 weeks) would it be ok if she HAS to work but still still didn't spend every minute of her day making her son feel as if he was the most important child in the world.
Or would it be preferable if the child spent time at after school club or child minders rather than family??
I wish my parents or Mil had been available to take on child are but it was not practical so I use after school clubs, holiday clubs etc
I think my DCs are fine, my DS2 went thru a bit of a clingy stage but I think it's normal
And I certainly was not able to make 1 dc think they were the most important person in my life as I have 3:)

I find it very offensive for people to say that if you work full time then you shouldnt have children, do all working mums have to justify how much we love our DCs? I would never expect any parent, regardless whether they work outside the home or not to justify their decisions and if I had a "friend" like the OP I would run a mile in the opposite direction :)

Do you think I need to publish my financial record so OP can decide if I "need" to work?

Why is everyone so defensive about being a parent who works? That isn't the issue here. The issue is whether or not a child is getting the love and care he or she needs.

All children are different, and they all need their own level of care. The OP has flagged up something quite important, yet this whole thread has been hijacked by people who feel they are being criticised, and who insist their children are fine with their arrangements, and therefore so should this particular child be fine with the arrangements for him.

Parenthood isn't necessarily about what parents do, it's about whether their children's needs are fulfilled. Children are all as different as we are, and they all have different needs. It's a personal issue, which the OP has ascertained in relation to this particular child.

No-one is criticising working parents. The problem here is parents who quite simply fail to connect with their children and provide any kind of parenting.

Does anyone seriously think that isn't a problem? It sounds rather like neglect to me.

no.neglect is not knowing when next meal is
physical chaos
threat of instability,poor safety
no adult looking out for child welfare
ongoing,habitual dysfunctional pattern with no resolution

people bandy terms like neglect about with scant understanding of what neglect is

it isn't an extended family,looking after wee boy

Is this tired thread still running. I am surprised.

You are not the be all and end all expert on neglect Scottish - However much you sneer and shout in this thread. Detached parenting is neglect and it does seem like from what the op says - and she is the one who KNOWS him - thatthis poor boy is neglected. Being away from his parents as much as she describes can't be good for him. Poor thing.

haven't proclaimed self expert
but nor have I squawked neglect
based on some harrumping

Whateverrrrrr!

Utterly fake story manages to whip up some righteous indignation

Have you considered calling Social Services OP? I feel it must be time. What with all this nail-bar induced neglect. Or perhaps Childline might be the answer? What do you think?

If the worst comes to the worst, you'll have to abduct him and flee to Venezuela. There's nothing else to be done with parents as selfish as this.

Or Peru. I can't remember which of the two countries has no extradition treaty.

Wait! It might be Bolivia. I'll just do some googling for you. MN at its finest here.

can't figure if whatever is ironic or fick

In many cultures, care from extended family is totally normal- some posters have experienced it themselves. It's really offensive to equate that with neglect

Op is probably bullshitting anyway

Okay, the Extradition Act 2003 has details of the relevant countries. Details here

I've been giving some serious thought as to how you can get this neglected child out of the country. There's a combination of factors here. Clearly the parents are so neglectful that they probably won't miss him for a couple of weeks. So that's not an issue. The problem is going to be the passport.

I think there are two ways around that. You can either find someone prepared to forge a passport (where from? the iris recognition stuff is going to be tricky?). So I think you have to say that you want this little boy to go on a day trip to France. Once you get him to the airport, clearly you just have to get him on a flight to Caracas. And Bob's your uncle. Or should that be Roberto?

Have you ever had your iris scanned? I believe that to be bs just like the thread

I have indeed! Details here

Can't open on my stupid phone. We use Newcastle airport which seems to have no security and a 'come on in with your 40 suitcases full of dodgy tobacco' policy...

Maybe op could leave from there... ponders