To be concerned this childcare is making DS insecure and sensitive?

[yellowjellybean]

We are close friends with a couple who have a 6 yr old son. The father works full time, late nights because of his industry. The mother works (out of choice, no financial need) full time also. She travels perhaps once a fortnight and is often away for a whole week. Se enjoys her work hugely and the lifestyle that comes with it and doesn't want to give that up.

Their DS is cared for by grandmother and grandfather, and sometimes aunt and uncle. I would say the grandmother and aunt are the main carers in this child's life. He hardly sees mother and father due to work. It has been like this since birth.

As we watch him grow up, he is becoming more and more sensitive, insecure and unsure of himself. He gets extremely distressed for example if his aunt or grandmother show attention or affection to another child. He doesn't have this reaction when it's his mother.

When I talk to them about DS they say it's wonderful he has so many people around him showing him love. I agree that is a wonderful thing, except I think he doesn't feel loved by his mother or father - or at least not as much as he needs. And the love he gets from grandmother and aunt is beginning to be held back a little to try and redress the balance and let him know 'his mother is his mother'.

All in all I think he is confused, and while he gets lots of sporadic love and attention from a large group of adults, he has no one person who is his main 'mother/father figure', who gives continuity and therefore security.

Our children spend a lot of time with their son and increasingly he is showing sensitive and/or jealous behaviour around my children. I don't want to stop being friends but beginning to dread spending time with them because of it.

If your husband buys you a personalised number plate you should be in the house with the kids hathor

Obviously the mothers dream and job shouldn't matter because the husband is clearly rich

What business is it of yours how they choose to bring up their child?

And why is their financial situation relevant to you at all?

Honestly, if it bothers you that much, ditch the friendship.

Would it be different if the mother and father were out every day knocking their pans in in minimum wage jobs and the grandmother was looking after the child to enable that? Would you feel differently then?

MentalMuslimMummy so it's all down to the Mother?

Sorry but you don't sound like 'friends' anyway. You sound
Like people who know each other due
To the older generations friendships...

Why should the husband not get a responsible manager in to run his business, since he's doing so well he's got a personalised number plate and all, and look after his own child and let his wife pursue her dream?

Of course the mother's dreams should matter. I am pursuing my own and not for financial reasons.

I do however make sure I am with my children for the majority of the week until they are at school. My dreams are not going to go anywhere if I don't run with them 7 days a week, I know they don't have to be the thing that comes first for a couple of years. My dreams can have 2 or 3 days a week for now!

If we choose to have children, shouldn't they come first? Always, no matter what?

That you wish to be with your children until they go to school is your choice.

She has made a different choice that works for her.

So, your issue isn't really that the child is being looked after by his grandparent or aunt, it's that he's NOT being looked after by his mother and only his mother.

Judgemental. Much.

The choice might work for the Mother,but if we take what the op is saying, it's clearly not working for the child.

Hathor, OP clearly said that the problem is that there isn't one main carer, one stable mother/father figure. It is completely missing the point by Turing this into an issue about mothers being the main carer instead of the father.

But why does it have to be the mother?

And lots of families in shitty dead end jobs use grandparent childcare why is it relevant that they are well-off?

FFS have I missed something that would cause such a nasty response to op?
what I hear is a couple who have had a son and through their choice, yes their choice have deligated the care of their son to the granny and aunt.

Have we forgotten that childrens needs need to be met? I work my dh works, we have childcare I sometimes see more of my colleagues than my dc, but I would notice if my children were having problems.

And please, who do we know that have big expensive to run cars( apart from drug dealers) that have money wories.
I wont even get into the mum/dad responsibilities.

and finally who the fuck goes shopping for a week, even to NY, someone who is meeting their needs before their childs, thats who.

worries even!

The OP knows shit about why the child is showing jealousy and being over sensitive.

Lots of kids go through that phase

I know kids who absolutely hate their wrap around care...having to put in a 10 hour day at school what with breakfast club, school and after school club.

But it is the way it is because that's how the family survives

If those kids started displaying over sensitivity and jealousy, would the OP assume it was because both parents are out working and the child only gets an hour a day to spend with them before going to bed?

OK, so what are the problems that the child is exhibiting and how does the OP know that they are solely down to the mother being in New York shopping and driving there in her personalised plated Rangerover or whatever?

My concern or 'issue' Hathor - is that all these capable adults are around this little boy and yet no one is giving him what he needs. We have been incredibly close over the years and shared many wonderful memories, but I am finding it harder to keep the friendship a 'true' one because conversations are difficult when we talk about children, families, we have such opposing views now and do things so very differently.

On top of that their little boy, who is like family to my children, is bursting into tears if his grandmother cuddles my children when greeting them. He has to be consoled for sometimes up to an hour, and says thins such as, 'you don't love me as much as you love "my child's name".

By the way, this is just an open chat forum where I'm looking for some opinions and advice. I'm not quite understanding why some posters getting SO angry and using offensive language. Really??? If you're so incensed by my post then just leave it.

And what about the father?

If you're so incensed by your "friend's" behaviour, then just leave it.

Maybe they're shit parents and they feel their child is better off with his gran?

Lots of kids are raised by their grandparents for various reasons.

And if you don't want full and frank opinions, don't post in AIBU

Why do you keep banging on about the Father?

The father is earning, the Mother is shopping! Otherwise, it makes no difference which parent is the main carer, and OP has not implied that it does make a difference.

Because Iuse both parents are responsible for the child.

The father could work less. The mother could be around more. The granny could decide to emigrate to Ulan Bator. Whatever.

Really, it's nothing to do with the OP, loads of kids are sensitive and clingy it doesn't mean the it's down to the childcare arrangements or that the child wouldn't be like that if the mother was at home with the child all the time.

The family have made a choice, as a family, as to what works for them. The OP does not know that if they made a different choice the child would exhibit different behaviours.

So - is the little boy adversely affecting your own DC? Or are you just concerned for his wellbeing?
It may well be that he is having separation issues; or it may just be a developmental phase. But whichever it is, sorry to say, it is up to his family to deal with it. All you can do is highlight the 'outcomes' that you have witnessed personally if you are concerned about them, and leave them to deal with it within their family.

It wouldn't be my way of doing things, and it's obviously not yours - but really, you have to let them sort it out.

If of course the behaviour is upsetting your own DC, then you might have to review how often you see this child; but if it's just him you're having concerns about then perhaps just keep going otherwise you and your DC will just represent another "loss" to him.

You sound like you really loathe these people, particularly the woman who dares to have ambitions and plans of her own.

No, it isn't anything to do with the OP, and of course the Father coud work less.

None of that is the point, the point is that this child seems to be suffering because of the choices these parents have made.

He may be exactly the same if Dad was home early every evening and Mum was SAH, but then ago an, he might not. He might be a whole lot happier.

I have had a child in my nyrsery in the past who was nearly always either looked after by much older sisters or a childminder, or a Gran. He was unsettled because of it, imo and that of my colleagues, and it was very sad to see that.

This is odd- I know a little boy in almost exact same circumstances, except he is happy, and not over-emotional or insecure. He adores his DGM and DAuntie.

Perhaps it is just the child's personality? Perhaps he would be like this even if both parents were home full time? Some children are more insecure than others.