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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

188 replies

washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 12:54

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

OP posts:
TandB · 02/02/2012 12:56

I would be inclined to start with a considerably shorter visit - 9 days is a very long time for a 1 year-old, particularly where a complete stranger to him is involved.

Can't you take him for a couple of shorter visits and build up to longer stretches?

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 12:56

You are a better woman than me, because I certainly wouldnt go along with that. Not with such a young child.

I feel for you, it must be really hard to deal with.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 12:56

Cross posted on lone parents too, but I would like the high volume aibu traffic to weigh in

Need advice, insight, or a laugh to take the edge off!

OP posts:
MelodyPondering · 02/02/2012 12:58

I wouldn't let this happen yet. You haven't met her and if it were me I would insist on knowing her before a 9 day trip happened.

You don't have to agree to it do you?

How difficult for you though, with the ow Sad

HereIGo · 02/02/2012 12:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 13:00

Ex has had him for long weekends, but it's his (exes) birthday and a week after he has left old job/ about to start new one so he won't flex.

I'd like to build up to it more but he has been pressuring for more time since he left. I said he could move with her to be nearer to his son abd see him more often, but was informed 'I have my own life and career to think of' lovely man!

OP posts:
BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/02/2012 13:01

It must be very hard being in your position...I have no idea how it feels so hard to say.

However, my sis split with her DH and he went off to live in the middle east and so every holiday time the kids go to him. I just told her to look on her time away from the kids as a chance to re-charge her batteries, catch up with friends and just to generally make it something positive rather than dwell on the fact the her kids are miles away. She was also worried about the OW - she has no friendship/connection with her at all but the OW is nice to her kids, her kids get on really well with her and that is the main thing. No, there is no need for you to have a friendship with this woman but as long as she is good with your DS and he grows to like her that should be ok?

As I said, I am not in your position though, so easy for me to say..just ignore if it's a load of crap :)

Get lots of wine in, shit dvds and loads of chocolate and enjoy answering to no-one :)

seeker · 02/02/2012 13:02

9 days? Why?

MelodyPondering · 02/02/2012 13:02

Sorry, I think you should say no then! It's not all up to him and it certainly isn't all about him?!

You don't know this woman!

Jumpingovaries1 · 02/02/2012 13:05

Washing I agree with other poster would it be possible to arrange a shorter visit? This is a long time for you and your baby really feel for you. Take care and hopefully someone who has had a similar experience can offer some advice x

EMS23 · 02/02/2012 13:06

I'm a stepmum to an 8 year old boy. His father and I have been together since he was 9 months old and married 2 years ago.

I didn't meet my DSS till he was 3. That's longer than was necessary but i think 9 days at 1 year old, so far away from you is a bit much to be honest. I also have a 1 yr old DD now and I wouldn't want her away for 9 days. And your ex and her have only been 'officially'' together for 9 months. It's all a bit quick for such a long visit.

Presumably he'll be staying the full 9 days in the house with your ex and his DP? I think a shorter stay, start with one overnight and work up from there would be better for all.

I realise they live far away so logistically it's hard but we lived 200 miles from my DSS till 3 years ago and we managed it.

As for being friends with your ex's DP... It's really admirable that you're considering it and maybe in time it's something to aim for but for now, I'd go friendly and polite but let your ex tell her about your DS. You obviously trust him as a good dad so he should know what to do.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 02/02/2012 13:06

Say no. He can pressure all he likes but it was his choice to move 300 miles away. Keep your baby close until a) you're more OK with the situation and b) he's a lot older and has got to know dad in the new set-up.

MrsMuddyPuddles · 02/02/2012 13:06

Your ex ought to call the HV for advice; 12 months sounds AWFULLY young to be without the main caregiver for so long... though he also sounds like a selfish git who won't consider anything other than what he wants, so you're stuck with the fallout on what's best for the baby. Good luck!

Rhinestone · 02/02/2012 13:07

Personally I would not agree to this. 9 days is too long. Sounds like it's being done for the benefit of your ex and OW rather than your DS.

But even if you do agree to this, why do you need to speak to the OW about his care? Surely his father can look after him, it's nothing to do with her at all.

Jumpingovaries1 · 02/02/2012 13:10

Just seen your op I wouldn't do this just because your ex h is insisting - his choice to move away from his son to be with ow. I would only send son for as long as you feel comfortable with. Once he has been away once for a long time ex h will just expect this. X

5Foot5 · 02/02/2012 13:11

Agree with other posters that 12 months is too young for a visit of this length. When my DC was this age then I wouldn't have considered them being with anyone else for anything like that length of time.

ShirleyO · 02/02/2012 13:13

No. Way.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 13:18

Do you have court-ordered contact? If not then speak to a solicitor about possible ramifications of saying no to a 9 day stay. I think this is an overly long visit for a 1-year old. This length of visit is more appropriate for a 4 year old.

I have a friend whose ex-w did similar - long distance move at young age. He was coached by his solicitor to say no to demands that were not in the CHILD's best interests - a 9 day stay without you is in this category, unless there is a history of long stays with Dad already.

Over time of course staying away with Dad. But at age 1 you should be able to say no. Take advice today.

TupperwareTwat · 02/02/2012 13:18

YANBU to worry, panic and stress.

Your mothering instinct is telling you this is wrong! Listen to Your instincts not your ex twat of a husband. You have your son's best interests at heart, ex twat is only thinking of himself.

Keep DS with you. Tell ex twat he is welcome to visit your son in London.

TheresASpareChairOverThere · 02/02/2012 13:19

Why is he asking for 9 days anyway?

MrsBeakman · 02/02/2012 13:22

Age one is full on separation anxiety age. I think it would be very distressing for your son to be away from you for 9 days as he won't understand he is going back to you. I wouldn't do it.

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 13:22

No no no and no.

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 13:23

But bless you for being so accommodating.

Still say no though.

civilfawlty · 02/02/2012 13:24

No way I'd agree to 9 days. Change your mind.

applepieinthesky · 02/02/2012 13:28

9 days?? Is he having a laugh?

It was his choice to move so far away so now he has to deal with it

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