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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

188 replies

washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 12:54

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

OP posts:
iloveroses · 02/02/2012 13:30

Please say no. Your ds will miss you. He is far to young to be away from you for that long. Just tell your ex, its not happening.

olgaga · 02/02/2012 13:30

I think you are very good-hearted and obviously want your DS to maintain a relationship with his dad.

BUT - Nine days at one year old is too long, and I cannot see how any reasonable person would think this was in your son's best interests.

I would just say you have taken advice, you have reconsidered, and decided that he is far too young for such a long stay away from you.

Are there any formal arrangements? If not then perhaps it's time you saw a solicitor to get something sensible in place.

GypsyMoth · 02/02/2012 13:30

Odd amount of days! Could you go up for the weekend, find a cheap b and b , so he's with his dad over his birthday?

At present he has him 4-6 nights a month?

thegirlwiththehairylegs · 02/02/2012 13:30

No fucking way. You poor thing, I really feel for you as I have a 15m dd. there is no way on this earth I could be away from her for that long. I agree with the poster up thread that I think you need to get legal advice sharpish - if you haven't done so already of course. Good luck OP!

IHadADreamOnce · 02/02/2012 13:31

Not a chance for 9 days, that's a hell of a lot to expect your DS to cope with on top of spending time a stranger. I would put my foot down and do it on your terms. Does he not care what's best for his son?

OffMeTrolley · 02/02/2012 13:32

Tbh if you fell under a bus tomorrow, everyone would cope

Just accept that the other parent has the same rights as you do

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 13:33

To be clear- you may have seen previous posts, as he had the affair I shipped my son and I 300 miles away to live with my parents as I needed the support with such a young child and quite frankly can't afford to live on my own anyway (how anyone does it I don't know!)

For the last 9 months we have gone back home every 6 weeks to stay for a week do he could see him mornings and evenings between work and then the weekend as usual

This now has to change as the house we lived in is on the market and he'll have moved to Blackpool by then to his new job and OW.

So they have spent 9 days before, but I have been there in the week days (a d close at hand if there was a problem.

9 days is 2 weekends plus the week in between.

OP posts:
OhdearNigel · 02/02/2012 13:38

Absolutely no way in the world that I would have allowed DD at one to stay with what is essentially 2 strangers for 9 days without me. I wouldn't countenance it now (she is 2)

As far as your DS in concerned Daddy is no more to him than a stranger he sees for a few hours a month.

If I were you I would be rethinking this plan immediately and telling your ExH to poke it. He can have a 9 day holiday when he is older and more aware of what is happening (ie. Mummy hasn't abandoned him)

OhdearNigel · 02/02/2012 13:40

And if he wanted to have long periods with his son he shouldn't have fucked off and left him, should he ?

He gets absolutely eff all sympathy from me. He has made his bed and if he doesn't like lying in it - well, he should have thought of that before

FaithHopeAndKevin · 02/02/2012 13:41

So has he ever made any effort travelled to collect your DS? Usually I'd say the parent who moved should do the miles but given the OW situation and age of child.

EMS23 · 02/02/2012 13:43

My DH was in the same position, when his ex left she moved 200 miles to be near her mum for support.

So my DH spent his weekends travelling there at the weekends. On top of his v demanding job. Nothing was more important to him than seeing his son.

For the first 2 years he stayed at his exes house and when finances allowed, he bought a small house there himself. We've subsequently moved there full time.

You are really really good to have facilitated his contact thus far but this 9 day thing is too much, too soon. There are other solutions, he just hasn't had to think of them yet because you've been so accommodating. To your eternal credit.

GypsyMoth · 02/02/2012 13:46

That last posts sheds a bit more light then op!

How do you think ds will react to being away from you?

NatashaBee · 02/02/2012 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cluffyfunt · 02/02/2012 13:48

Dont leave your baby for 9 days.

Its just not fair or reasonable.

I'm easy going by any-ones standards, but 9 days would be too long for my confident 4yr old -hell my 10yr old came home a few days early from staying with fun relatives because he missed me so much!

Dont do this to your little one, or yourself.

NinkyNonker · 02/02/2012 13:49

Still a no from me, regardless.

weasle · 02/02/2012 13:50

I wouldn't consider it. My ds3 is nearly 2 and I wouldn't let him go away for 9 days. In fact I'd be reluctant to let ds1 who is 6 go for that long! your baby won't understand that you are coming back and be very upset I'd think. Selfish and thoughtless of your ex.

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 13:54

I'm afraid if he is on the BC and has PR then your feelings are pretty immaterial. He is his father and he has equal rights to see his son.

You have no reason to believe that he would hurt his son.
You have no reason to believe that she would hurt his son.

I know you are hurting, I get it, I really do. But no matter the circumstances of the break-up, he is still his father and he still has a right to see him. You have to try and get your head around this, or it will eat you up inside.

I'm not so sure that this will be the big problem others believe it will for your DS. When DD was 11 months I had to go away for a month. DH had no choice but to cope and within 24 hours DD was absolutely fine. When I got back she barely registered. It would be more of an issue if he was a little older - but by then he will have (hopefully) spent more time with his dad.

I'm sorry you feel so shit, but it will be worthwhile for your son to have a good relationship with his dad. As for Dad's partner - meh, you can be her friend if you want, but you dont have to. It might make things easier in the long-run though if you can bury the hatchet.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 13:55

NO way would I allow that. I MIGHT allow an overnight if he was closer and even that would be not certain...your baby is a baby! Not a child who understands leaving Mummy is ok for a while.

CountessOlenska · 02/02/2012 13:56

YANBU to be stressed. But it's not 9 days with "strangers" it's with his dad. You are doing the right thing for your child, although painful for you, and I think that's great and to be admired.

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/02/2012 13:56

One years old is far too young to spend time away with two strangers, especially as he's never met the OW.
No way.
Isn't there some compromise you could both come to?

WilsonFrickett · 02/02/2012 13:56

I think you have been amazing to facilitate this contact so far, but note that it is you who have done all the facilitation. And yes, I get that you moving away wasn't ideal, but lets face it, you wouldn't have moved away if he hadn't had the affair, would you?

Where are you going to be staying now then? (I guess it was in your ex house before, but are you going to be in a hotel now or what?). What is your ex doing to facilitate the contact? Why can't he drive down to where you are for one weekend, for example?

I do think 9 days is too long. I couldn't have left a 1 yo for that length of time.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 13:56

LtEve yes but the baby's welfare come before the Fathers. A baby this young will be shocked at a sudden loss of it's Mother and primary carer. Very shocked and confused.

grobagsforever · 02/02/2012 13:58

9 days is far too long and will be very distressing for your son, Don't do it. No court would order this. You ExH is selfish and unreasonable.

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 13:59

"A baby this young will be shocked at a sudden loss of it's Mother and primary carer. Very shocked and confused"

Chas, not all babies. OP's DS may cope fine.

edam · 02/02/2012 14:00

No, no, no and no. Too long for a baby to be in a strange place with a strange woman and an acquaintance without his Mum. It will be stressful, frightening and distressing for him - which will not encourage a good relationship with his father.

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