Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

[washingonawednesday]

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

Dunno why people are deciding to lecture the OP on how her ex has 'rights'- she seems to be vastly accomodating of his supposed rights (but don't you know that PR stands for Parental Responsibility, not rights at all). I would be worried about 9 days though. Between 6 months and 2 years is the prime age for development of attachment disorders, not wanting to worry you OP but that is why it would concern me (and you can't always tell by apparent levels of distress in the child, because sometimes it's expressed by withdrawal rather than active distress). However if his father is a good caregiver and if you have a strong bond with your son, it's relatively unlikely anyway.

Not really sure why people have decided to have a mental attack about infertility here, but I did suggest to another poster yesterday that it was more effective to think of people suffering infertility and being dickish towards mothers who've had unplanned pregnancies as a result as having MH problems than just being empaathy-deficient, rude, cows. I mean, the evidence is on my side wrt the link of infertility and IVF to MH risks: www.bjmp.org/content/psychological-aspects-infertility but if you'd really rather people thought that the way you are so thoughtless towards parents who didn't have similar conception problems was just because you are horrible all along, I can go with that interpretation in future. Your behaviour here and lack of empathy with the OP certainly suggests one or the other.

Being civil to dad and to dads new partner (who may become the step mother in time) is what is best for the child . No matter how much it hurts. Treating someone that the child may love one day like dirt only hurts and confuses the child. Only makes the child feel guilty.

Yes ExH and OW were totally and absolutely in the wrong. That is not the point. The child should come first and if that means poor old OP has to bite her lip and punch a pillow when they are gone, so be it.

Good luck OP.

Its not about step parenting MZ, but the manner in which the relationship started.

Unfortunately this doesnt build a good foundation for a good relationship between the OP and her ex. Why should the OP be expected to just 'suck it up' and be friends with the OW?

Being the partner of someone who has children doesnt make you a stepmum. My partner has children who stay with me from time to time and we take on holiday, but I dont consider myself their stepmum. They have 2 perfectly good parents of their own and dont need any more. My ex also has a new childless girlfriend - have met her, she is rather nice - but I cant imagine her becoming mummy anything to our 2 teenage boys - they would be rather

When people treat you like shit you dont have to smile and pretend it is all OK for the sake of your kids. What kind of example is that for them to grow up with? Mum is a doormat - it doesnt matter how anyone treats her?

Much better to have a mum who has standards for good behaviour and demands them from everyone - including their dad. Dont be rude - but you dont have to be friendly either.

The child is 1.

There is no way it's in the child's best interest to be away for a 9 days at that age.

This is H putting himself first AGAIN.

I'd say NO and if the relationship with the OW is all 'that' then it will still be 'all that' in a few years time when the child is 3 or so, and old enough to be away from his mum for that length of time.

Go with your gut instinct, put the child first and defend him. The Ex can think what he likes. your child is important here, not his playing at pretend happy families with a fellow sewer rat.

No-one has said OP needs to be 'friends' with the OW, just that it is better she is civil.

If the ExH marries the OW she may be around for the rest of the childs life. The child may love her. OP doesn't need to welcome her with open arms, but she shouldn't be horrible about her either (not that I suggest OP would be, not at all)

OP doesn't have an issue with the chid going away, less some very understandable wobbles. Posters telling her not to let him go are wasting their breath, he is going and OP is happy with that.

OP has moved on from her ExH - that is a GREAT thing. She has a new and better bloke. Go OP! you deserve to be happy

If your not happy with 9 days dont let it happen. I cant imagine being away from my kids for 9 days and dd is 4 and ds is almost 2. And i would probably feel bitter about OW too which wouldnt help matters. I really feel for you but i think if my kids were away for more than a weekend they would be very upset. My dd spends 2 nights at grandparents gets spoilt rotten then is very happy to come home

If you are sure that your Ex loves your child as much as you do, then I don't see a problem.
I can see how painful it might be though.

Why can't a 1 year old be away from its mother.... There have been a few post about a mother going on hoilday people would be saying go the father will be fine ect ect.

How about forces mum who maternity leave runs out and they get deployed leaving babies for months

You've made it clear the 9 days is ok for you so on your subsequent request for advice from stepmums...

As I said before, I'm a stepmum and my advice would be to be pleasant and perhaps aim for friendship further down the line when it's clear if she'll be a permanent fixture.

My DH's ex won't be in the same room as me and it makes life increasingly difficult. It's not in the best interests of my DSS and is all about her. It's frustrating after 8 years.

Also, regardless of what your ex did and how your relationship ended, if you can separate his infidelity from his worth as your sons father, then you're on the right track. Shit husbands don't have to be shit dads.

You dont have to be friends with the OW to do the best for your children - what an incredibly insensitive thing to say.

Just because you have a relationship with a parent doesnt mean that their ex HAS to have a relationship with you. I never had any kind of relationship with my exes last partner because she didnt want to, and quite honestly it made no difference. She was perfectly pleasant to my children and all communication went through my ex. I wouldnt have ever involved her in big decisions regarding them anyway, it is simply not her business where they go to school etc. I dont have a relationship with my new parners ex either, in fact we have never even met, even though his son has spent considerable time at my house. I certainly wouldnt demand to meet her as a conditon of looking after her son.

If someone won't be in the same room of you, in their mind there is probably a very good reason - maybe it is becuse they are sick of third parties trying to control them and their children from afar - now that would really get my goat.

I am amazed you are prepared to leave your one year old child away from you for nine days. This is not in the best interest of the child! Can't you see that?! Why would you do this? Is it because it suits you too?

This came up with my son, who is 3. Ex wanted to take him on holiday for a week. I didn't allow it, it's too long, and ex agreed with me after thinking about it. No way I would allow this at 1 year old. Tell him no.

Ok then, I suppose what I mean is 9 days away from the main carer is too long, whether that happens to be the male parent, or, as is more usual, the female parent.

Not read whole thread so sorry if a repeat. I think you should say only possible if he pays for you to stay up there for at least five days and you come an spend some of that time with your son.

Apology not necessary, Maryz

9 days is such a long time though. I couldn't cope with it, and I know my particular child wouldn't like it. He gets a bit upset and wants to come home if he is at his dad's for 2 nights, 5 mins up the road.

9 days is way too long at this age, way too long. Wait at least another year before the visits are this long.

NFW would my 1yo DS3 be staying for 9 days with his dad. 300 miles away?! Christ, my Ex-P hasn't had my 8yo DS2 for more than 4 days. WTactualF?!

You moved for family support, yes? Well, you only have a responsibility to undertake the travelling UNTIL your Ex also leaves your original area. So when HE moves in with the OW, YOU no longer have to do the travelling. It will be HIS responsibility to make the effort to come to where YOU are to see your DS.

Have you had ANY legal advice on contact? Nine days is far too long apart from the primary or sole carer for a 1yo baby. With no contact, it is unthinkable. Especially as it has not happened for more than a long weekend up till now. I would get some advice on this, and I can tell you, I'm a fairly 'reasonable' ex, my oldest DS's dad, my Ex-H (who also fucked off with the OW when DS1 was 9mo), has a midweek overnight every week, every other weekend from Friday afternoon until Monday morning, half of all school holidays, alternate christmasses and split birthdays. But there would be NO FUCKING WAY that a 1yo baby would be spending 9 days, 300 miles away from me.

Odd question, but do YOU hold a passport for your ds?

My Ex-P is an idiot, but he WALKS 6 MILES HOME at night twice a week, after getting up at 5am, walking 6 miles to work (he works near the FMH, but lives 6 miles away, doesn't drive), doing a full 8 hr shift in a manual, on-your-feet job, then coming to see our 1yo baby.

He does this because he wants to build a relationship with his baby. He knows that HE was the one who chose to walk out, so it is up to HIM to make the effort to build a relationship with his baby DS.

OH - and with my oldest son, and my other ex, my Ex-H, it all went through the courts. He wasn't allowed by the COURTS to take DS1 for 7 days at a time until DS1 was in RECEPTION. And it was only in Y2, when DS1 was 7yo, that he has had him for a bit longer (9 days at a time) in the summer holidays. We DO split the holidays half and half, but we do it in such a way that DS1 never spends MORE than 9 days at a time away from his primary care-giver (me). This is COURT ORDERED, for a child of almost 10yo.

WHY would you do this with a 1yo??

(And DS1 is NT, he isn't one of my dc that has SN, either - the staying contact has been considerably slowed down for the dc with SN). So that is court ordered, that 9 days is long enough for a 9yo. It often works that we have 1 week here, 1 week there through the summer hols. So DS1 gets to spend 3 weeks out of 6 in each home, but for 1 week at a time IYSWIM. So it's NOT that out of place for me to say that 1yo is FAR too young for this, and even CAFCASS say that what the OP's ex wants is not in the child's best needs. (Ex-H asked for 14 days to go on holiday when DS1 was 18mo, even the courts went )

I agree that 9 days is far too long for a 1yo to be away from his primary caregiver. You moved to London for good reasons, he was the one who abandoned you and your son, he should do the running imo.

As for the infertile OW - don't want to put the cat amongst the pigeons but my ex married an infertile woman, who made a serious bid for my children and actually got one of them (for now....). So I don't blame you for feeling creepy about an infertile woman having designs on your kids - it's highly likely she does.

However, it seems clear that you're not that freaked out with the concept of your lo 1. being with them and 2. being with them for 9 days. You're not at all comfortable with it but you don't seem that done in by it - the word eeep suggests you're not keen but you won't die. Plenty of women would die in your position but maybe it's your hot new man who has soothed your aching heart . BUT it seems to me that ex is calling the shots, rather; and it also seems to me that you think you ought to be nailing yourself to a cross for the sake of your son. imo you don't have to be forced to accommodate your selfish ex - you don't have to meet her, you don't have to turn yourself inside out to accommodate them. He took off and wrecked you and your son's life, he pays the price for his choice. not at the expense of your son in the long run but 12mo is far too young for your son to be schlepping all over the country and staying for 9 days in his dad's love nest in a strange house with a woman he has never met.

oh and btw - a good dad doesn't shit on his children's mother.

also btw - Betty (pg1) 's sister, sending her kids to the middle east for contact. she's MAD to let them go abroad, INSANE to let them go to the middle east. If he chose to keep them there, there is absolutely nothing she could do about it.

And a woman who isn't interested in your child children would not agree to 9 days with a 1yo who is a total stranger

forewarned is forearmed and all that (sorry to lay the boot in - t-shirt )

It's not really 9 days, it's 7: half of Saturday, then Sunday through to Firday night, then back with Mum for the wedding, then back to Dad for the remainder of the weekend. I think compromise is in order here: your son comes back with you after the wedding, or, you go down to Blackpool with him after the wedding and stay somewhere nearby. I wholeheartedly agree with cuntwormunderfoot that for your DS to see you after 7 days to then be separated from you again for 2 days could potentially be very upsetting for him.

1 year old is key in an infant's attachment. A whole week away in a new place will be distressing for him. Is there any way you could visit the ex's house before the February visit date, maybe just for a one night stay?