Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

[washingonawednesday]

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

To the crazy lady who recommended getting a police check: you're a nutcase.

Is your ex taking time off work to provide the 24/7 care your child needs? Or will he be working/ going to the pub etc and leaving your child essentially in the care of the OW?
I would find this really really difficult.

op this isn't for you but for the people saying that the father does not have a 'right' to see his child, it would seem they are partially right but that the government are addressing this - here

I also think I worded it wrong when I said that you should appreciate that he still wants a relationship with his dd. Of course I think that all fathers should maintain their responsibilities but the fact is you are 300 miles away from him, and when "Official figures show that one in five children from broken homes lose touch with their absent parent, usually their father, within three years and never see them again" I think that the fact that he is trying to have a meaningful relationship with your dd should be viewed positively and, for the sake of your dd, supported by you.

to elastamum - I'm not sure if you meant I was being insensitive by saying that friendship with the ex's new DP would be something good to aim for. I didn't say it was compulsory - just that it would be a good thing to aim for. Not sure why that is insensitive?

As for the reasons my DH's ex won't be in the same room as me - I'm pretty sure it's nothing to do with me trying to "control her and her children from afar". I've definitely never tried to do that. But it seems like your ex has had various partners so maybe your feelings are justified in regards to your own situation. It must be hard to have your children subjected to a parade of new partners.

I, however, have been with my DH for 8 years, since his DS was a baby and I didn't actually meet my DSS till he was 3. I've moved my life lock, stock and barrel across the country so as to do right by my DSS. I am the only partner my DH has to his DS and there has never been suggestion that I would require consultation over schooling or big issues. As you said, the big things aren't my business.

Step parenting is a thankless task and whilst I've never actually come across one, maybe there are step parents out there who "try to control" the ex from afar but that's not me.

@saffron

surely when the dd is in care of the father, it is up to him how he how he cares for her and what childcare he chooses, and as shitty feeling as it is for the op, nothing really to do with her, unless she feels that her dd is in danger, which I dont think is the case from any of the op's post.

ilove I agree!!

Does op never go out, even fir ten mins, leaving her baby with her new boyfriend?? They live together!

ilove. The best thing for a one year old is not to be away from it's primary carer for 9 days...

Sorry, EMS but I really dont get where you are coming from on this, but I am guessing you have never been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment from a partner and his OW.

Why would anyone aim for a friendship with a person who was knowingly party to destroying their relationship with their childrens father. Through their actions they have already told you everything you need to know about their poor values and their total lack of respect for you. Why would you ever want them to become your FRIEND? Seriously???

Hi

First problem..I think that the fact that you have posted this means that you are feeling what is happening is not right. If it does not feel right it probably isnt right for you at this stage. If the trip was just say a few miles away then things would be easier, I know.. and you prob would not be in this situation. Maybe you should ask to go back on the deal, but carefully. Despite all the hard feelings it is in your baby's interests that you all "get on well", at least as far as he sees it. It is in his best interest (unless obviously he is in danger) to see his dad. I expect lots have said this before but it bears repeating as it is hard to put into practice.

I think that 9 days 300 miles away is probably too far and too long away from you no matter whether with dad alone or with his DP/OW.

Second problem..As for being matey with the new DP/OW. The above applies. I would keep an open mind about it.

I am on the other side.. a SM to three kids and have none of my own (I was NOT the OW though! They had split up two or three years before we met). We have the kids twice a week and all weekend. We have been on many "family hoildays" ...they are teenagers now.

I wanted to meet my DHs exW as soon as we knew that our relationship was going to progress. Why? I thought to myself..if I was a mum of three kids who had this new person in their lives, possibly taking "care" of them if called on, I would want to know what this new woman was like.

I am not suggesting for a minute that anyone should "vet" anyone, btw. I just felt that it was the right thing to do.

It is still all very raw for you. However I cannot stress enough how important that it will be for your DS to see a smooth transition. There is no need to be matey and friends. I am not friends as such with my DH's exW but we do have a laugh on the door step when the kids arrive and she is always borrowing things from me. We are completely different.

My DH holds much bitterness towards his exW and her DP which I try and smooth over for the sake of the kids. I came into a bit of a car crash of a split (she left my DH for her DP after 16 years marriage, new DP was 15 years younger than her!! My DH cannot now, even 7 years later, bring himself to speak to her new DP).

Your DS is still very young, which is a good thing in a way as he will grow up knowing that dad and mum do not live together (as opposed to a sudden split for a child who has to cope with a new life) and if things are civilised and happy, that is all he will remember. There will also come a time (I hope for you) when you will meet someone new, as happened to me, I was the "new" person who has nothing to do with the break up and you will be managing the same situation from a different side.

It sounds as if you are being very sensible. I can only advise that a calm and steady hand/heart/head usually works in these circumstances XX

elastamum - no, I've not been cheated on so you're right, I don't know how I would deal with the OW after. Maybe friendliness would be too much for me.

9 days or even 7 days is way too long for a 1yo to be away. That cannot be good for DS. His father should have him for a weekend, and come to pick him up and drop off, or come to OP's town and have DS to stay in a B&B for weekends. He is being really unreasonable and selfish IMO.

OP, it sounds like you're letting them push you about.

To those who suggest that 9 days is ok, it's not the same as one of two parents who live together being away for nine days, the little boy's dad has only seen him every two weeks since he was 3 months old, so OP is the primary carer.

I haven't read the whole thread but from your OP I think this is insane and I don't understand why you would ever have agreed to it.

What are the longer term contact arrangements going to be with your ExH? Was this agreed when you separated or as part of your divorce? Is it regular weekends or occasional weeks? I think weeks will be very disruptive for your child, especially if the contact isn't regular enough for a solid relationship to be established and maintained.

You don't have to meet the OW. Your child is not is her care, his father is responsible for him. I think if your ex was being at all considerate he'd be willing to visit your area to see his son until the son is comfortable enough in their relationship to feel ok about going away with him and getting to know his home and partner.