Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

[washingonawednesday]

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

LtEve no I have to disagree and say that a child under about 18 months will be upset at being removed from it's main caregiver for that long...without exception and a good amount of babies would struggle for an overnight visit too.

A 9 month old baby has NO understnding of time or of the fact that people go away and then come back. A bright one may grasp PeePo but 9 days and nghts? No way.

Plus...who IS the other woman? Could be anyone really. OP does not sount intimate with her and whil the child's Dad may be a good parent...SHE could be the opposite

No. This is not good for your son at all - how can you think that it will be? Sorry but 'he won't flex' - well maybe he'll fucking have to, kind of his fault all of it eh?

9 days in a row away from you, with his dad and a complete stranger?

Tell your ex if he wants to scare your son absolutely silly and make him paranoid about being left AT ALL then he's going the right way about it. Oh and maybe it's time that the woman who helped wreck your family also got a few home truths about the one time when your own childish needs DON'T come first - when there's a child involved. As your scum-scrape of an ex clearly doesn't understand that, you might have to tell her.

Put your son first and put your foot down.

Chas - did you not read my OP? Does that make my DD G&T and being 'left with her father' or something?

Babies can go into childcare for 8 hrs/day at 3 months, coming home just to sleep.

(Oh and OP's 'baby' is a year old, not 9 months)

I think it's very unfair for posters to tell the OP that her son is going to be upset / stressed / frightened - she's feeling bad enough about it as it is FFS.

A one year old staying away from home and primary carer for 9 days?

God, no way.

OP, what are you worried about the most?

Leaving your DS for 9 days?

Him spending time with the OW?

Your ex prioritising his DS's needs?

I don't think 9 days is the end of the world. I had to go away for 7 days the week before DD's first birthday. She remembered who I was on my return, she'd had a great time with her dad and I was able to resume BF having not thought about it for a week (expressed plenty before I went!).

I think it would be good to meet the other woman and, as much as anything, show her that she has had no long lasting negative effect on your life!! plus (and I speak from the bitter experience as the adult child of divorced parents) if you can establish a civil working relationship with them now, it will be for the benefit of all of you in the future. I wouldn't presume you would become friends, but you need to know that the third adult in your child's life is up to the job - iyswim.

If you have any concerns about your ex prioritising your DS's needs over his, get the OW on side now! If she is no better, then I'd be re-thinking the whole thing anyway! But seriously, my children occasionally stop overnight at my brothers but only if his wife is there. He tries his best, but she is the one with the insight and the patience and the one who anticipates and responds to their needs!

I haven't read your other threads, but you do come across as very 'together' and reasonable!!

My best friend's DH walked out on her when she was pregnant for another woman. He pressured her into overnight contact with her DD from a very early age (5 or 6 months). Well before she was a year old he was taking her away for a week at a time on holidays etc. My friend found it very upsetting but wanted her DD to have relationship with her father. Only problem is that her DD is now 3 and has abandonment issues when my friend is away from her, to the extent that she hasn't slept through the night once from being a baby and most nights my friend has to sleep with her. She does now have a bond with her dad and is happy in his company but leaving her mum at such an early age for days at a time has had a very unsettling effect on her.

Also my friend refuses to have anything to do with OW. I have asked whether she feels she should befriend her for the sake of DD and wanting to know she was child friendly but as far as she is concerned her DD is in the care of her dad.

IMO 9 days is too long, can you get it cut down to a week at the most?

A one year old will know you're not there and will miss you.

Aside from the 9 days issue, I'm just responding to the bit in your post about I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes - put aside your feelings about this woman and do this for your son. It will be an easier transition for him if his routine is not varied too much. Maybe do it in writing if that's easier for you?

Actually he has no rights, equal or otherwise.

The only person who has rights here is the little boy, who arguably had a right to a happy family life that his father shat all over by walking out when he was 3 months old.

The idea that you have two equal parents in this situation is laughable.

You have one, proper parent who has always put him first and cares for him full time, and one second-rate crap parent who put his affair ahead of his child.

The child has a right to know this no mark who spawned him, but it must always be with full regard of what is best for HIM.

Is it good for small toddlers to be removed from their parent for 9 days to please an adult?

No, it's not.

So it shouldn't happen.

I don't think 9 days is the end of the world. I had to go away for 7 days the week before DD's first birthday. She remembered who I was on my return, she'd had a great time with her dad and I was able to resume BF having not thought about it for a week (expressed plenty before I went!).

this is not the same AT ALL. This baby is not with his father that he sees all the time or in his own home.

I am not trying to make OP feel bad...but like other posters I am drawing her attention to the fact that she does NOT have to say yes and that this is potentially upsetting and at worst damaging for her child.

9 days for ok....a 1 year old is too long. If the Father wants regular contact then he will have to travel won't he. OP could be feeling pressured by the man.

posie yes but your DDs Dad lived with you and your DD staed in her own familiar home.

You're a better woman than me. There is no way on this earth my child would be leaving me for that long to so far away at such a young age. I don't think you exH sees him enough for him to keep him for that long. If he doesn't see him enough its his fault for moving so far away.

I'd have said a long weekend then maybe 5 days but he needs to see him every weekend before having him for a long period.

He does have to meet the ow at some point. But not for so long all in one go, she doesn't have children of her own so she needs time to adjust to your DC too. It should be a much more gradual process imo

Oh and remember that HE has caused this situation. You do not have to compromise one iota to make the way he fits his son into 'his life and his career' more comfortable - not one inch. In fact as he sounds like an entitled prick, I would stop compromising right now - it's only going to get worse.

You need to make your son available for contact for reasonable times. That is generally understood to be every other weekend and one night a week. How HE works out how to make that contact is HIS problem.

Seriously though, this proposal is not about just standing your ground for the principle. Your son is far too young for you to disappear from his world for 9 days. Even with his dad there, that is TOO LONG, because he is now not used to your ex being there on a daily basis - he'll be expecting him to be in and out, not the primary carer. You are the one he looks to.

Long contact like this needs to be built up to, for your son's sake, so he feels safe and secure WITH HIS DAD. If your ex doesn't understand that and considers his birthday, as well as his life and his career, more important than that, then you may as well start putting your foot down now (I would say as you will then know he doesn't have your son's best interests at heart, but given his behaviour I think we know already that his family isn't his priority - poor OW - though I guess she deserves her booby prize eh?)

Sorry, bad post I copied and paste the first part and agree totally with your point.

As far as I'm concerned this child will not gain anything from this 9 days.

Um, we know this woman "isn't up to the job".

She has already caused great harm to this little boy, as has his father.

Honestly, I would allow a child of mine out of my care for more than a weekend ,with an ex, until they could speak and tell me all about it.

OP if your child was distressed I bet your ex wouldn't even tell you.

No no and no again!
Why can't ex do some travelling to see his child?
Far too young to be away from his main care giver to stay with a father he doesn't see that much and a strange woman.
He's introducing OW to your child after 9 months?

Just NO

Actually he has no rights, equal or otherwise

Yes he does, if he is on the BC and he has PR.

''No court would order this.''

Dont you believe it!! After 2 years in the court system I wouldn't be that confident!!

It would be too long in my mind. When he has looked after him previously it sounds like he was at work during the week days- what is he planning on doing for these 9 days- being off work? I think the father would find it too much as well. I would struggle to leave my baby for 9 days in his house with his father as he would be upset (and so would I!)

You need to make your son available for contact for reasonable times. That is generally understood to be every other weekend and one night a week.

So are NRP's not allowed to take their children on holidays then?

OP - look at your responses. I don't think anybody on this thread has said this is a good idea in these circs. It can be hard to step back and take a disinterested look when it's so personal - but that's what we're doing, and nobody is saying it's a good idea. Your own mothering instincts are saying it's a bad idea. I think you're being extremely mature and noble trying to accommodate your ex and OW, but honestly, you don't owe them that much. You owe your son stability, and he's not going to get that for 9 days.

I can't get over the brass cheek of them, tbh. Did they really think that mothers of babies regularly give them up for over a week at a time for visits? Sounds like they want to play at being parents.