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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

188 replies

washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 12:54

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

OP posts:
TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 02/02/2012 15:22

Re-reading the plan for the visit - OP, is there no way you can just have him back after the wedding? Why the extra day?

I do geniuinely think that that will be EXTREMELY distressing for your son - he will have missed you, by the time Saturday comes around he will probably be pretty anxious at the length of the separation. You'll then arrive - great! All will be well. He'll probably be quite clingy. And then... Off he'll go back to his dad and the woman he doesn't know. You'll be gone again.

You can't communicate to your son at this age that this is a one-off. But if you leave him for a week, appear for an afternoon and then go again leaving him for another overnight, I think you will distress him hugely. He's going to have the separation reinforced and will be totally confused. Is there any way that this could be avoided? I feel quite sad for your little boy. There's surely no need for this.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/02/2012 15:23

Well done OP - you sound very reasonable and grounded and your DS will be absolutely fine with his dad.

It will be hard but 9 days will soon come and go!

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:23

Yes it would be nice

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 15:24

She's a nurse. Which makes me feel a bit better that she is in a 'caring' profession. Doesnt mean I think she has any morals or class sleeping with a married man. She is also infertile so I feel very creeped out that they'll be playing 'happy fanilies' with my baby for the week, but not much I can do. My new partner sees our son so can't do anything really.

(I am actually way more over it than I appear on this thread, have upgraded for a much nicer (nice full stop!) younger, hotter model who loves my son, is also a lone parent and really good with the kids- mine and his). I've lost 4 stone, started college and found my feet again

Selling the house is dragging it all back up though as ex seems to think he can have everything as I have our son. Not feeling very friendly towards either of them at the moment.

I digress

I want my son to be happy and want her to love him if she will be spending any time with him. But I just can't countenance the idea if being nice to her. Don't ever know if I'll be able to dredge up civil when the time comes to finally lay eyes on her.

Any step mums out there with tips?

OP posts:
LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 15:26

mummymeister - For one, the police wouldn't be allowed to tell you even if she was. For two - she slept with a married man, that does not make her a paedophile. For three, the child will be in the care of his father. For four, most abuse happens within families.

I suggest you need to stop reading the papers - they are making you paranoid.

(Oh, and unless you are my mother. I am an adult, if I want to swear, I will. If you are offended I suggest MN may not be the site for you)

Truckulentagain · 02/02/2012 15:27

Has your ex met your new partner?

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:28

... You feel creeped out by her because she is infertile?! Wtaf?!

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 15:28

You don't have to be nice to her.

She's scum.

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 15:31

Maybe she feels creeped out because it might be that this nasty bitch sought out a man with a child so she could play "Mommy".

I wouldn't want someone like that around my child either.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:35

So it's all on her totally then? She sought him out because he had a child and the infertile scum wanted to play mummy?

You are all charming

Maybe he lied to her and led her along? He was the one with a
Child and wife and he is the one who is far more scummy than her!

And what the fuck does anyones fertility status have to do with anyone or anything else?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 02/02/2012 15:36

Well said Kayano........we dont know what went on and to call her scum and a nasty bitch is well out of order and actually quite ignorant.

Surely its better for everyone if relationships are kept civil!

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 15:37

I'm a step-mum OP, but I doubt I would be any help. I would LOVE to have a relationship with DSD's mum, but she wont have it. It would have made things so much easier as DSD was growing up. ALL contact had to be between DH and his Ex, and that made things very hard.

(One time DSD was taken ill whilst she was with us and had to go to hospital. DH had no choice but to leave his daughter on the ward, distressed, to phone his Ex as she would not take calls from me Angry)

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 15:38

Absolutely not kayano! Have infertile friends who I feel the deepest sympathy for. But they did not sleep with my husband while I was at home breastfeeding a 3 month

OP posts:
Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:41

My outraged post was for athibkinyourlife

She implied that this woman hunted down a dad just to play mummy because she was infertile which is a bloody stupid thing to say.

We don't know this woman or what op's partner told her so to be so venomous about her while painting the DP as being 'hunted down' like he was some victim in her big infertile deceit is outrageous

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 15:43

Who said it was totally on her?

They're both scumbags who have shown through their actions that they do not give a fuck about this child or his wellbeing, except as it suits their own vanity.

But the OP has to have some kind of civil relationship with her son's shitty father, regardless of his shittiness.

This woman, on the other hand, is nobody.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 15:45

Absolutely not kayano! Have infertile friends who I feel the deepest sympathy for. But they did not sleep with my husband while I was at home breastfeeding a 3 month Old child. Who she now wants to play mummy with with my ex husband who, had he not been such a dick I would still be 'playing mummy' with and living my life rather than uprooted, unemployed as 300 miles away from job and unable to get another as they have cut child care funding in my area so working now as a singe mum would make me worse off.

Would you not be creeped out? - i feel a bit 'single white female' about this.

This has to be done- I just need help getting my head round it and dealing with it.

OP posts:
Lambzig · 02/02/2012 15:48

OP, it does seem like a long time, but you dont seem prepared to make any changes to arrangements or take any advice about the extra day, so not sure what advice anyone can give you.

Kayano am getting used to the infertility bashing on mumsnet as one of its nastier sides. On a thread yesterday someone suggested that women with infertility and ivf have "mental health issues"

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:49

You are the one who mentioned her infertility Hmm so if she was fertile you wouldn't be 'creeped'out by her 'playing mummy'

You yourself have a new partner. I bet you would be Hmm if ex started I. About him being infertile... Because it was an irrelevant and stupid thing to mention.

What's it got to do with the price of milk?

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 15:53

Yah, because it her infertility that makes people think this woman is a horrible person Hmm

The OP's new partner is not remotely equivalent to a person who was instrumental in breaking up her and her son's family.

He's just a bloke, who met a woman...

TimothyClaypoleLover · 02/02/2012 15:54

OP, the only way you are not going to feel creeped out by OW is to meet her. I appreciate you might not want to given the circumstances but if you are creating all these scenarios about what sort of woman she is then it might be best to just do the dignified thing and meet her, remain civil and communicate with both ex and OW with regard to how best to keep this 9 days a good experience for your DS.

Also, don't understand why your postings are extreme i.e. from declaring how your life is so much better without ex and new younger man in your life to going back ranting about if it were not for OW/DH you would be still with your ex. Either you are over it or you are not. In any event I think at the very least you and DH need to sit down and talk about the best interests of your DS. I agree with cuntwormunderfoot that for your DS to see you after 7 days to then be separated from you again for 2 days could potentially be very upsetting for him.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:55

I'm not saying that. I am saying that her fertility has fuck all do do with op or anyone and shouldn't have been brought up at all. Let alone in the concept of it 'creeping out' the op

I never said the woman was of amazing moral standing or correct in her conduct but really....

What did it have to do with anything? Nothing.

So I said so. There was no need for it

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 15:59

It's OK OP, I get you, but these feelings wont do you any good in the long run, not at all. You do not have to be friends with her, you don't even have to like her, but I truly believe that if you can be civil to her it would be better in the long run. Better for your DS and better for you.

You have moved on, you have a new partner that loves your DS. Maybe, in time, your ExH's parner will too. It's only been 9 months for you, but you've managed to find someone new (and better!), time for you all to move on.

Personally I wouldn't be creeped out by the new partner, no more than your ex should be creeped out by your new partner. Life can be shit at times, it really can, but there is no point wallowing in it when you can easily make it to the side.

(In some ways - though it may not feel like it - it may be better that you found out about the affair and split up early. Less distressing for your DS than for it to have happened later down the line)

Nyac · 02/02/2012 16:03

Nine days is too long for your baby to be away from you at that age. Put your ds's interests first, not his pushy dad's.

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 16:07

It wasn't really "life" that was shit here, was it?

You're either over it or your not?

What a stupid thing to say to a woman who is 9 months on from one of the most traumatic experiences that can be inflicted on a person.

That the OP is rebuilding her life does not mean that she has to be "over" how cruelly she was treated by these people.

Over time I'm sure she will care less and less for these two low-lives.

But this just happened to her, she's allowed to have feelings about it.

planetpotty · 02/02/2012 16:08

I'm a mum and a step-mum.

I understand you want to brief OW with all the little details about your DS but your ex will know how to look after his son - all will be fine Smile maybe writing his routine/food likes/alergy/doc details on a piece of paper slipped into your DS bag at handover and explained it's "just in case and it's my job as his mum to worry"

I pick up from your posts that you would like for your DS to get to a point where you can all be civil, but I just don't feel from what I've read that you're in that place yet. I know I wouldn't be Sad anyway I would not blank the OW be civil but really it's your ex who is her caregiver not the ex. I think I'm trying to say, take it slow, baby steps building up over time to a place where you genuinely don't dread seeing the OW. You've been through enough and you have nothing to prove to this OW.

I don't agree with the comments about stranger/police checks etc she is someone (dick of) exh thinks is acceptable and even though it's crap he is his Dad. I think that thinking like that just ties people up in knots and causes huge conflicts.

It sounds like you have picked up the pieces and taken control of your life - well done, be proud of yourself! Smile