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AIBU?

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Original poster

Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

188 replies

washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 12:54

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

OP posts:
AvaMaria · 02/02/2012 14:28

See a solicitor OP. This is not something a I would agree to. You are the main carer and I think it would upset your child to be away from you for so long. Those who are comparing it to being in childcare and that your ex has rights etc, I wonder if they have children? Your mother's instinct, and my mother's instinct as mum to a ds of 5 months and dd of 2.7, is saying that this is too long. I cannot imagine being parted from either child for that long and I believe they would feel abandoned and as a previous poster said, this could lead you to further problems.

Your ex and the ow sound supremely selfish putting their needs above a baby's needs, a baby needs it's mother. Full stop, end of.

Good luck op, your instincts are spot on. See a solicitor

gordyslovesheep · 02/02/2012 14:30

awwww op I feel your pain x

for me, 9 days at his age would be a no no - i have vetoed ex having mine for 2 week in the summer and my youngest is 3!

however he has, and will, have them for a week, like last summer, it killed me and she got to play happy families with my kids

BUT she is his 'partner' and he is their dad - they have a right to see him and he has a right to be with them.

i would talk to him and suggest 5 days maybe to begin with x

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 14:33

So are NRP's not allowed to take their children on holidays then?

LtEve Not when they are ONE year old no!

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 02/02/2012 14:35

Sorry LtEveDallas yes of course they can and should - here just replying to the notion that, at the moment, this is their version of 'everyday contact'.

'Dad' has chosen to move miles away. So OP is facilitating a contact pattern which lets this work FOR HIM (which given the circumstances leaves a nasty taste in the mouth). It's actually a very poor contact pattern for a young baby (which leaves an even nastier taste), every few days for less time would be better, building up familiarity with the notion that Dad is always around, just less so, gives them an everyday relationship.

If 'Dad' is going to start spouting off about 'not being able to flex', it might be well to remind him that contrary to what he suggests, OP is facilitating his 'life and career' far more than she has to. She might reasonably insist that little and often is in their child's best interests and could go to court to ensure that 'Dad' maintains this. But she's trying to meet him halfway. Is he grateful, maybe even a little humbled at the fact that the woman he left is twice the person he'll ever be? (and likely his new shiny love too?)

No, he just throws his weight around even more and insists on even more consideration for HIS plans and HIS needs - this time at the very clear expense of his baby son.

Why? Because he's an entitled, selfish, faithless prick - but I guess OP knows that and hope that every pronouncement he makes is making her ever more grateful that he left :)

I hope you put your foot down OP, and if you don't, I guess at least the misery your son will be in by day five of having no idea where his mummy has gone will maybe have SOME effect on your ex. Or maybe he'll just get sick of the whining and hand his son over to the Complete Stranger - who knows? It's a fair guess, after all we know he doesn't give a shit for anyone but himself eh?

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 14:36

Being "on the birth certificate" does NOT mean an absent parent gets to take a child across the country when it is very young for 9 days. Or three or two or any.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 14:37

And where has OP gone? Maybe she's upset now...OP sorry if you are upset. I hope you aren't....please come back and get some support.

ClaraSage · 02/02/2012 14:38

Yes, stop ranting at her and she might come back.

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 14:39

Clara I hope that wasn't directed at me?? I have NOT ranted at OP.

PiedWagtail · 02/02/2012 14:40

I just wuoldn;t do it. Period. I wouldn't leave my dc now for 9 days and they's leaving them with dh, and they're 4 and 8!!! It's far too long for a tiny baby. Get them to come down and they can see him for a weekend or something first. Much shorter, and clolser to home in case there is a problem.

maddening · 02/02/2012 14:41

could dad and ow come and stay in london for 4 days and have day visits and then take ds back to blackpool for 4 days and dad bring ds back to london on the 9th day - that way he has time to be re-aquainted with dad and to meet ow?

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 14:42

Those who are comparing it to being in childcare and that your ex has rights etc, I wonder if they have children? yes, and step children.

a baby needs it's mother. Full stop, end of no, a baby just needs someone to take care of it. It doesn't have to be its mother.

No court would order this yes it would, and has. (EBF babies excepted)

I would also suggest a week to begin with, that may make the OP feel better and allow for longer periods later on.

Original poster
washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 14:51

Thanks for the messages. All the chat about my son being so distressed has freaked me out somewhat! But as much as he is a hateful dick he's a good father (when present) and I think my son would be happy. He'll come here to stay the night Friday, be here sat andtake him to blackpool sat night. Be there Sunday and the week and then bring him back to me sat afternoon for a wedding in london then take him again for the evening a d Sunday before I pick him up and take him home.

It is a long time away, but it has to be done as he is his father. He will want to have him for a week at holidays in the future. It's just a shame this first time is in the new house in Blackpool and with the OW who he hasnt met yet. But these are the sad logistics of a broken home and access rights.

He's a very placid, happy and accommodating baby and I've tried my hardest to not let him be affected by all this so far.

OP posts:
TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 02/02/2012 14:51

'a baby needs it's mother. Full stop, end of no, a baby just needs someone to take care of it. It doesn't have to be its mother.'

Sorry but I disagree. A baby DOES need its primary carer (not necessarily the mother) not to disappear randomly for days at a time, especially during the period when they are likely to experience separation anxiety.

Sometimes this is unavoidable, but if it is, then it's bloody obvious that you wouldn't subject a baby to that stress.

This has nothing to do with rights or the issue of separated parents - if the father had his baby's best interests at heart, this wouldn't be on the cards at all - he'd work to the very obvious principle that the best situation for his son is for him to be in his life as much as possible without subjecting him to sudden changes like this. The issue with this is, it's all about what (feckless) Dad wants. Not good.

MCos · 02/02/2012 14:53

Op - just reading your post has given me a stressed out feeling. I don't think this is in your baby's best interests at all. 9 days is way too long.

Just tell your exh, sorry can't do it. Not right thing to do for baby.

Like another poster, I also did business travel while my children were this age. But they lived at home with dad, and we had a full-time nanny. I was gone for a week at a time. DD1 used to shun me when I came back, when she was this age. But DD2 used to cling to me like a limpet for several days afterwards.

And too bad if it upsets your ex's plans. Baby comes first.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 02/02/2012 14:58

It doesn't have to be done because he is his father.

It shouldn't be done because his needs should take greater priority than those of his selfish father.

As for meeting the OW and having her be there all the time, in a 'parenting' role rather than as a visitor, as soon as he meets her - words fail. That's not a good option for your son and isn't particularly laying down a good foundation for them to have a relationship.

But these are the sad logistics of a broken home and access rights - no they aren't actually, your ex has access RESPONSIBILITIES, not rights.

It's actually his responsibility to ensure as far as HE can that your son's transitions here are as pain-free as possible. He isn't doing that. Your son will be unsettled at you not being there for so long. He will be slightly unsure of his dad, though ok. He will be EXTREMELY bemused and unsettled at having a complete stranger there all the time too.

You are perfectly within your rights to refuse to accommodate this plan and suggest a shorter visit for the first meeting with OW. And the birthday of a grown man matters not a jot in this.

ThisIsExtremelyVeryNotGood · 02/02/2012 14:58

I have to agree with the majority that 9 days is far too long, especially at such a young age (although my youngest is 2 and their father lives 400 miles away, I wouldn't agree to them going for 9 days either). I think you have behaved very maturely and have accomodated him far beyond what anyone could reasonably expect of you. Your XH IBVU to expect this.

maddening · 02/02/2012 15:01

also- is the father off work during the week?

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:04

I would let the baby go because

  1. he is the FATHER - not a random
  2. op is the one who moved away.

I don't think his behaviour as a shit husband should have an affect on of he can see and spend time and develop a bond with his child

Shit DH == shit dad Sad

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 15:06

OP I'm glad you came back, truly. You are obviously doing you very best for your sone and I commend you for this. There is no reason to think your son is going to be distressed at being without you - and if he is, and your ExH is a good dad then he will make allowances for this.

I think you are doing a very very good thing in sorting this out now. You are a great mum and your husband is a dick for leaving. Crap husbands can be good dads though and you can take comfort in that.

It's a far far better thing to have a dad that is interested than one that isn't. At least it isn't 9 days straight hey, although TBH I expect you will feel shitty no matter how long.

Chin up, punch a few pillows, scream into your duvet and know that you are rising above...The lots of love and huggles when your DS gets back Smile

TimothyClaypoleLover · 02/02/2012 15:06

OP, I realy respect and admire you for helping your ex to have a relationship with DS. I still do feel that 9 days is too long for a 1 year old but you obviously have faith in your ex being a good father and that is important. I would suggest trying to keep yourself busy while DS is away and make sure you are in contact with ex on daily basis if needs be as you will need to keep DS's routine as normal as possible to minimise any unsettlement.

mummymeister · 02/02/2012 15:09

This woman is a complete stranger to you. you have no idea at all what she is like - all you know is that she is the OW. Just because your ex knows her doesnt make her a good person - sorry to be so blunt! Get her checked out by the police in the local area to see if she is on the sex offenders register - those of you who think this is OTT sorry but the baby will be with and around her and will at some point be on his own with her. i for one would want to make sure that she hasnt any history and that my lad was safe. your husband left you. you have done all the hard work raising your son and whilst i believe in fathers being involved it has to be a joint agreement in terms of timings etc.

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 15:12

Get her checked out by the police in the local area to see if she is on the sex offenders register - those of you who think this is OTT sorry but the baby will be with and around her and will at some point be on his own with her.

That is absoluetly fucking ridiculous and you would be laughed out of the police station. Sheesh.

mummymeister · 02/02/2012 15:16

No LtEve you wouldnt be laughed at by the police - that is a fact. go out in the street now with one of your kids stop the first person you see and let them look after him/her for a couple of hours. don't fancy it? thought not. No one should have contact with your child when you are not with them and they are too small to tell you what is going on unless you know something about them first. wise up read some newspapers. and please there is no need to swear - makes you look just a tad childish.

olgaga · 02/02/2012 15:20

Well you seem so relaxed and accepting OP, it's beginning to sound as though it suits you too. I understand what you say about him being a good dad, but really, one year old is too young to be away from you for nine days. I think your DS will find it very unsettling. When was the last time he saw his dad?

I guess your arrangements are informally agreed between you. It's called "contact" these days, not "access". It's supposed to be in the child's interests.

I can't see that being the case in this instance.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 15:22

Op doesn't need to know the other woman, or any other
Woman whom her ex allows present. Yes it would be right but she has no rights to demand knowing everyone who her child will see while in the ex's care.

He is the father and gets to make those decisions while the baby is in his care (as annoying as that may be)

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