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Original poster

Eeep! Baby staying with exH for 9 days, 300 miles away and meeting OW for the first time!

188 replies

washingonawednesday · 02/02/2012 12:54

Aibu to panic/ worry stress about this...

Split with exH 9 months ago when baby 3 months old due to his affair. He is now moving in with this woman 300 miles away into her house. She has no kids. He sees our son every fortnight for the weekend.

In feb he is having him:

A- for 9 days - longest my son has been away from me (he's one)
B - in Blackpool and I'll be in London so can't 'pop' round for a quick reassuring visit or be there quick if there is a problem
C - he'll meet this other woman for the first time so lots of contact with a complete stranger
D - I'll meet her at handover. Really don't want to as between them they ruined my and my sons lives last year. We're getting there now, but my family is broken because of them. Want to ignor her, but feel I should spend ages telling her about baby and what he likes (but his father could do this) or finding out how good she is with kids- feel like I'll probably want to be a bitch though! Aargh!

Firstly how to cope with this week
Secondly, Do I need up become friends with this woman? I really don't want to or think I could but want what's best for my son? She won't be seeing him apart from these concentrated bursts as they live so far away

Help!

OP posts:
McHappyPants2012 · 02/02/2012 16:08

this man is not a stranger he is the dad, and the baby knows him.

i think 9 days is fine tbh, the only thing why i wouldn't just yet as i wouldn't trust the ow with my baby until I got to know her

GypsyMoth · 02/02/2012 16:10

Op says she does not think her ds will be distressed!

GypsyMoth · 02/02/2012 16:11

Police checks?? Should op's new boyfriend have them also then? Works both ways

And who would pay for all these 'checks'?

RabidEchidna · 02/02/2012 16:12

She is going to be a part of your sons life so the grown up in me say's I think you should try to be civil, also if you set out what your son likes and dislikes you are taking the upper hand.

I do not think 9 days is to long for your child to be away as he will be with his dad and despite dad being a twat he is the father and has as much right to time with his child as you do

TurkeyBurgerThing · 02/02/2012 16:16

Hats off to you OP. If everyone was as reasonable as you sound to be in situations like this then the world would be a better place.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 02/02/2012 16:17

ThingInYourLife - I wasn't being nasty when saying "either over it or you're not". I don't expect OP to be "over" the way she was treated. OP was the one who posted saying she was far more over it than her previous postings suggested. Of course she is allowed to have feelings, I wasn't saying any different. IMO it just comes across that the more OP posts the more she appears not to be over it (which is perfectly fine) and that is not particularly helpful when trying to deal with what is best for DS.

ilovebabytv · 02/02/2012 16:22

Wow have just skimmed read this thread and tbh, regardless of how your relationship broke down, I kinda feel a little bit of sympathy for your ex and his dp. Your the one that moved away, for your own valid reasons. Your ex could have taken the stance that it was too difficult to maintain a relationship with your dd and had nothing to do with her. Instead he is trying to have a relationship with her and considering that you are the one that moved away, i think you should be at least appreciative of that instead of seeing it as an inconvenience. 9 days will not harm your dd. She is a growing toddler, not a newborn. In fact i think its better that she has some longer periods away (like 9 days) whilst she is younger so that by the time she is a little bit older she will be accustomed to this. What happens if you dont let her go, then maybe when she is older she wont want to go because she 's not used to being away from you. As for your exnp, you have to accept that when your dd is in your ex's care he has the responsibility of allowing whoever he wants to spend time with your dd. If he loves his dd like you make out, then he wont allow anyone who is a danger within a mile of her. Did you consult your ex about your new dp and let you ex 'vet' him. Probably not because that would be none of his business. Well the same goes both ways imo.

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 16:23

Well he's not a stranger, but he know this child about as well as most grandparents.

It's not remotely the same as leaving a small toddler with his live-in father who is raising him.

LtEveDallas · 02/02/2012 16:27

and lots of grandparents have their DGC to stay with them...

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 16:33

Fair enough, Timothy, that makes sense.

You're right, it is probably better for the OP to be OK with the fact that she's not over the hurt, rather than pretend she is OK when she's (understandably) not.

OhdearNigel · 02/02/2012 16:36

OP - Your ExH shagged someone else while you were pregnant, left you with a 3 month old baby and you seem to think that you should be being accomodating ?????

Sorry but I think you are being a bit of a mug

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 16:38

I'd say precious few parents would leave a one year old for 9 days with grandparents.

I wouldn't have left my girls at that age with anyone for 9 days, even DH (and he is a very hands-on father).

minimisschief · 02/02/2012 16:39

Why do people think they have a right to say he cant have the child for 9 days. I mean iam guessing you have the child all the time and he only gets to see the child every two weeks. He wants more time and he has every right to.

If you cant agree to such a simple request make it official and have the courts decide it.

MelodyPondering · 02/02/2012 16:40

I'm sorry, op should be appreciative of the fact he bothers to try and have a relationship with his child ilovebabytv?

it reminds me of that sketch, "I look after my kids..."

"You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker!"

AThingInYourLife · 02/02/2012 16:50

She has the child all the time because this sorry excuse for a father walked out on his family when the baby was 3 months old.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 16:51

She moved away 300 miles though so he should get reasonable child with his child, regardless of why they split

RabidEchidna · 02/02/2012 16:51

Yes he did wrong but just because he does not want to be a husband does not mean he does not want to be a father and it was the op that moved 300 miles away

PosieParker · 02/02/2012 16:53

"Your ex could have taken the stance that it was too difficult to maintain a relationship with your dd and had nothing to do with her."

Shall we give all parents medals for not abandoning their children now? Wow, at the moment he still wants to be with his daughter....

MelodyPondering · 02/02/2012 16:53

She moved because she couldn't afford to live on her own and she needed the support of her family.

It is fault for having a bloody affair.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 16:57

You need to seperated the affair with his right to be a parent IMO

elastamum · 02/02/2012 16:57

It is up to you whether you think 9 days is OK. You need to give your ex reasonable access to his child but you dont have to bend over backwards to accomodate him and I wouldnt set a precendent of you doing all the travelling and running around at his request. Decide what you think is reasonable and propose this to him. That you moved is irrelevant. You are entitled to support from your family.

I cant imagine why you would want or need to be friends with her or him. You dont have to be civil to OW if you dont want to. You dont have to engage with her at all. I would e mail my ex a note of babies routine, likes dislikes etc and he can show it to her.

It is a pretty creepy feeling when childless women hook up with your partner when you have small children, This happened to me with my ex and I was rather freaked out by it, especially when she posted some comments about 'their relationship' on an internal forum which made it obvious she was lookng forward to 'having a family' Hmm . You have my sympathy

Maryz · 02/02/2012 16:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

elastamum · 02/02/2012 16:58

Oops I mean internet forum - (and it wasnt mumsnet BTW)!

Maryz · 02/02/2012 16:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 17:01

Ffs can people stop with the 'childless woman' shit. The way you refer
To her being childless and infertile is so strange. It's
Like the way I would expect people to discuss someone with leprosy! Angry

I swear I get over my annoyance and BAM! Back with the ignorant
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