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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband secretely takes day off

526 replies

katieks · 27/01/2012 17:13

This morning I discovered that I had forgotten the kids bag when I dropped them off at childminders so drove home to get it. When I got home, my husband was in shorts, curtains drawn playing Playstation in the lounge. I asked why he was dressed like that and he said he had taken the day off. He never told me that he was going to take the day off. Until I had left for work, everything had been run the usual way and I expected he was going to work (I leave earlier than him). He also had to rearrange a delivery from a couple of days back and had rearranged it for today so he obviously had planned it before-hand.

He doesn't think it's a big deal - I do and was quite upset driving back to work. When I got back this evening I asked if he had done this before and he said no. I just think it's awful that he didn't even tell me. What do you all think?

OP posts:
Gumby · 27/01/2012 22:57

My reasoning is money
We can't afford our outgoings ATM
If dh is pissing about at home that means he's using leave he coukd be taking in the school holidays because we're getting into debt paying for childcare
If I was a sahm I wouldn't mind

PocPoc · 27/01/2012 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 22:59

if you were a SAHM, he couldn't pull th wool over your eyes though, could he ?

because you would both be at home, so no possibility of deceit

PushyDad · 27/01/2012 22:59

I've taken days off without telling the wife. Whenever I take 'official' time off the wife lines up jobs for me to do. Over a period of months she can't find the time to do xyz but as soon as I say I am taking a day off then its a case of - 'You might as well do xyz for me'.

And whenever we have time off together its - 'Tell me you aren't going to spend all day playing on the PC?'

My secret days off is the only time I have Me Time. This is what wives have driven us to :)

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 23:01

if me or DH were having a day off, the usual child care would apply, if it was pre-paid

you get a day off, you get the whole day off

you pay anyway right ?

so not getting that point at all

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 27/01/2012 23:01

Still don't buy the no lying to partner thing. I am not saying you are at all deceitful but people tend to put a spin on the world.

I do realize this could just be my own experience but everyone I know does lie about small things to their nearest and dearest. I tell mine we have to leave the house 15 mins before we actually have to. If I was honest we would be permanently late for everything.

Gumby · 27/01/2012 23:02

No you're not getting it

All our leave is used in the school holidays for childcare

Anything else we have to cover with childcare, holiday clubs

We've got school age children, work full time

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 23:03

your example isn't the same though, WhenShe

little lies to get all the family out the house on time is for the benefit of everyone

this liar was only benefitting himself

LeBOF · 27/01/2012 23:04

I would completely understand if DP wanted a duvet day. I would find it odd that he hadn't mentioned it though. I also find it odd that if he actually is all that deceitful etc, that he didn't just fib and say he felt like he was coming down with something. If he really IS sneaky, he's not very good at it.

Gumby · 27/01/2012 23:04

So if dh used a leave day on say January 31st to xbox in his pjs I'd be livid cos that'll cost us an extra £50 for a day in the Easter holidays for 2 kids in holiday club

madonnawhore · 27/01/2012 23:05

I don't even lie about tiny things like leaving 15 minutes early. I simply don't have that kind of brain to think to do that.

But then, I would say I'm probably pathologically honest which might be a fault in itself. Maybe people need the odd white lie now and again. It just feels wrong to me to say something I know to be untrue. I don't have that mechanism.

Anyway, PushyDad if that is true then that just makes me sad for life and relationships and everything.

There should be a policy that everyone is allowed two guilt free, do nothing days a year.

pictish · 27/01/2012 23:05

Christ - maybe the OP is a bossy, dictatorial pain in the arse?
Maybe she's one of those people who always has a firm idea about how other people, especially her husband, should be spending their time?
Maybe she wears the trousers and he never gets a break from her issuing orders?

I'm not saying any of that is true by the way....but this idea that he is being lazy, selfish, a liar etc etc...just might not be the case. None of us have very much to go on.

It's one of those MN situations

Bloke does it - fucking wanker - how dare he?
Woman does it - oh good for you - you deserve it!

GAH!

BustersOfDoom · 27/01/2012 23:06

Lying you are always welcome round here for a lunchtime snack Grin I have both chicken and vegetable and cream of vegetable. With croutons!

I think this thread has probably gone as far as it can. Some of us understand why we don't disclose we've got a day off and some of us don't. We aren't going to agree.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 27/01/2012 23:07

I don't know if he takes a day to himself and comes out the other end of it refreshed, cheerful and better able to join in family life I think everyone benefits. Agree with pushydad he would have got a big list of chores to do.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 23:07

That sounds like an 'existence', Gumby. I understand that your own circumstances dictate such regimented leave but that's not the same for everybody.

Adults have the right to have a day off without getting 'permission' from their partner and not everything needs to be about the children or the family all the time.

madonnawhore · 27/01/2012 23:07

He was a dick about the parcel though pictish. You have to give OP that.

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 23:08

I think if you have both agreed that all your leave is to be used on school holidays then that is fair enough. The problem comes when 1 spouse wants all annual leave to be in school holidays and the other would rather be a bit skint and have a couple of school days at home. Then the 2 parties need to negotiate, rather than the one in favour of school holidays moaning at the other.

MustControlFistOfDeath · 27/01/2012 23:08

Leave the Bastard Wink Grin

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 27/01/2012 23:09

Also getting out of the house on time benefits me. Dh could care less about being late.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/01/2012 23:09

Busters... Oh lovely. I can bring some Viennese Whirls... I take one, pull it apart, and eat the side with the most jam and cream...Blush I also have my very own special sandwich plate... Grin

PocPoc · 27/01/2012 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gumby · 27/01/2012 23:10

Ha ha lyingwitch - so I'm existing rather than living you mean?

The harsh realities of life.....sadly no mil to moan about feeding kids wotsits so me & dh can have sex in peace on Easter Monday Grin

2rebecca · 27/01/2012 23:11

I hate going to the post office though. You queue for hours, plus my husband is lazy about things like that and will just say "if you are going shopping can you...." and it is rarely reciprocated.
If the OP usually does the post office type messages though then her husband is unreasonable to make a fuss, particularly as he was actually going to the post office anyway so sounded like he'd be in the queue anyway.

AnyFucker · 27/01/2012 23:12

I am quite egalitarian in my recommendations that people tell each other the truth

I wouldn't lie to my DH about having a day off

he wouldn't lie to me about the same

I dunno why people think some of us are saying it's ok for one sex, but not the other

it isn't..

Armi · 27/01/2012 23:13

He was a dick about the parcel though Pictish. You have to give OP that.

Not necessarily. It might just be an indication of how fucked off he is with constantly being given jobs to do.