To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

[Schizophonic]

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things"

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

Take a breath.

I can see why you're angry but everyone tends to revert to their former selves around their parents. If you're unhappy you need to speak up for yourself. When your MIL said about your DH working you should have said "MIL, I worked a 45 hour week, DH agreed to clear up, so let him do it please. Thanks DH" (sweet smile). If your relationship with your DH is good otherwise I don't think you should let this go so far as to break you up, just talk to him about it!

Hmm. You are over reacting. But he is a fucking turd ball.

He needs to back you up when they are about. If he doesn't then go on strike and don't cook OR clean. Just park yourself.

I already am on strike. I am refusing to cook or clean for him at all. He's making his own means and cleaning his own stuff. If he leaves mucky pots on the side I dump them all in his car. I am actually so angry at him.

Wow you really are angry. Why is it getting to you so much? I'm not saying you don't have a right to be angry I'm just trying to understand where you're coming from.

I think going with the flow in his parents' house was cowardly but sort of understandable. Abiding by their rules in your house was disrespectful, lazy, cheap and frankly a shit thing to do.

I'm sure they wouldn't approve of your division of labour and he'll get stick for doing 'wimmin's work' and whatever, but tough shit, this is 2012.

I think you could have insisted on your MIL leaving the plates and pointed out yourself that you'd worked more hours if it came to it, but why the hell should you? The message he has sent you is that house jobs are still women's work and he only does it under sufferance to keep the peace with you.

He needs to understand this isn't a disagreement about a load of washing up but something much more fundamental. How his parents choose to organise tasks is up to them, I very much doubt your MIL is going to have a lightbulb moment and start making FIL darn his own socks. But he needs to let them know how things go in your house.

He is being a bit of a knob but it sounds like a huge overreaction form you! Dumping his pots in the car?! Is there some kind of backstory here that explains this better because otherwise I'm thinking you're BOTH being unreasonable!

I get why you're cross - but if he's fine except when his parents are staying, which is, what? 7 days a year maybe? then you are overreacting a bit. Have a word, make your point, state that you work as many hours (or more) than DH, but don't expect habits built over decades to change in a couple of days - it will take time, and your DMIL may still regard your DH as a poor hard-done-by slave until her dying day.

And I think it's unrealistic to expect your DFIL to ever make himself a cup of tea or take his plates out, so I wouldn't even try on that front, it's a recipe for disaster.

I get why you're cross - but if he's fine except when his parents are staying, which is, what? 7 days a year maybe? then you are overreacting a bit. Have a word, make your point, state that you work as many hours (or more) than DH, but don't expect habits built over decades to change in a couple of days - it will take time, and your DMIL may still regard your DH as a poor hard-done-by slave until her dying day.

And I think it's unrealistic to expect your DFIL to ever make himself a cup of tea or take his plates out, so I wouldn't even try on that front, it's a recipe for disaster.

I dont actually think you are over reacting.

I put myself in your position so to speak, to imagine how I'd feel and well, it's stabby. Seriously stabby.

In fact I'm now still a bit pissed off at my husband and he hasn't even done anything

You really should have said something at the time though.

Oops, sorry for double post.

It's something that really, really gets to me. What the fuck gives "men" the right to sit there, have a huge fuck-off mountain of food handed to them, sit there gorging themselves to bloatation before handing back the empty plate with a belch and lounging around while the "Little Woman" cleans the kitchen. God it makes me so angry I could honestly attack him when I think about it. Greedy fat lazy chauvinistic pig.

Your husband is only part of the problem. I think you also need to keep the MIL in check. When she told your husband IN YOUR HOUSE to go and sit down you should have said something like "No, it's our turn to relax. In this house we share tasks. And I could certainly do with putting my feet up after working 45 hrs last week". Your house, your rules, and she needs to understand that. And a reminder that you work outside the home is no bad thing.

I think in your PIL's house, you need to accept their way of doing things but you certainly don't when they are guests in your house.

What Cailin said.

His mum can wait on him if she pleases, but I think you need to clarify to her that you don't wait on DH and he is perfectly capable of doing his fair share.

Pmsl @ dumping his pots in his car.

What has he said?

I think you're angry/annoyed at your PILs acceptance of gender roles, but instead of actually saying anything to them about it, you take it out on your husband for not 'standing up to them' when really that should be something that comes from him independently. I think YABU to be angry at him for not fighting your battles.

FWIW my DH gets a bit like this when we're at PILs house. He sort of becomes a teenager again. I end up helping out with dinner and tidying up while he watches tv. It's not because he thinks that's women's work, it's because he's used to his mother doing things for him so he just reverts to that when he's with them. In our own house, however, he's his usual busy hardworking self. I suppose if he sat around doing nothing while I entertained his parents I'd be quite pissed off too, but not as pissed off as you are OP.

Well, good for you for not standing for it. I agree with eurochick though - you should absolutely have corrected MIL and made it clear what the arrangement is in your house. She doesn't get to dictate that

I think it's irritating when you are at their house but understandable in a sense.

In your own home, when you had discussed it previously, he should have backed you up and I think I would be really annoyed too under the same circumstances.

My DP does a sort of passive version of this, ie when we visit his mum or sister he sits on his backside, picks up remote control etc while I feel somehow compelled to offer a hand. He doesn't make me, nor does MIL, I just sense it's expected.

I think it depends on your inlaws. Mine are fab, and give loads of help with DS. So I don't mind MIL being a bit old fashioned.

If they visit a lot and really make you feel awkward for not doing all the work, obviously you need to get it sorted.

I'm with green, would make me feel stabby! YANBU at all! Speak to your DH and tell him that this must not happen in YOUR home again. If that's how his parents live, up to them, but I wouldn't be helping there, he can if he wants to!

runs off to hide the knives as feeling stabby

And by the way, loads of people on here have similar attitudes ie 'well if they're bringing their kids make sure your SIL helps you in the kitchen' etc as if brothers and dads and male inlaws don't count.

Classic AIBU, MIL sits on her arse when she visits and never offers to help. No mention of FIL.

He noticed his dinner pots in his car Monday morning and sent me a text saying it was a "strange way to act". That made me murderous at work. I come home monday evening to see he'd simply dumped the pots back into the kitchen along with his breakfast pots that he'd left. Tuesday morning he had a job bringing all that shit in from the car. Hence the text "jesus you've gone insane". I swear to god it's a good job I was at work when I received that text.
Funnily enough, I had no pots to put in the car last night. Finally, the cock is learning.

To add, I totally agree with eurochick that your MIL was being seriously seriously cheeky by telling you what to do in your own house. My MIL had a tendency to do that so I told DH to have a word with her and she doesn't do it any more.

P.S. because I am gobby forthright, I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut and tell mil that DH was doing the washing up as he had not actually lost the use of his hands and legs the lazy git