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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be LIVID at "d" H? (long and ranty)

344 replies

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:09

I am so, so angry. When we first got together he seemed to think it was the "woman's job" to cook, clean and basically "look after" the house and everyone in it. I enlightened him pretty quickly that a) if I cooked, he would be washing up. B) if I was to wash up, he'd be cooking. C) the washing machine is not just set to accept commands from me, he can use it too and d) I work more hours than he does and bring home more money - therefore he can't even use the "but I provide" bullshit excuse - and neither would I. 50/50 housework.

So I thought we were doing really well with that, he hasn't needed reminding since really and has pitched in with 50/50 housework.

Over Christmas however we were invited to his parents for dinner. As soon as we got there he and FIL settled themselves in the living room in front of the TV and I was called into the kitchen to help MIL so "the men can relax"!!! wtaf??? I assumed after spending so long cooking, it was a given that "the men" would be washing up. Imagine my horror then when after the meal, MIL took the men's plates away for them and beckoned me back into the kitchen to help her wash up! Not wanting to cause a scene I gave DH the 'look' which he chose to ignore and went to join FIL back in front of the TV where they compared bloated stomach sizes. Half way through clearing the kitchen I said to MIL "wow, thought the blokes would have offered to wash up for you" and she screetched "HA! you must be joking!!" before saying to me "oh just pop into the living room and ask them if they want a drink or any biscuits bringing in love". Sweet Jesus. So I went in and said to them "MIL wants to let you know the biscuits are in the kitchen and the kettle is working should you need to use it". Didn't go down too well with FIL as you can imagine who went in a grump for the rest of the night.

When we got home I asked DH who the fuck he thought he was sprawled out expecting to be waited on hand and foot. Bare in mind I'd done a 13 hour shift the day before and he'd been off work for 3 days. His excuse was "I can't help it if that's how mum and dad do things" Hmm

I let it go but let him know I was really disapointed in his treatment of me and his mother.

THIS WEEKEND we had PIL around for dinner. Before they arrived I said to DH "what will you be doing then, cooking or cleaning?" and he mumbled "cleaning".

So PIL arrived. I busy myself in the kitchen, MIL comes in and asks what needs doing. I tell her to take it easy, get sat down - go and chill, go and read my new mag etc etc - alien concept to her, she wanted to help. So we cooked dinner together.

After dinner MIL starts gathering up DH's and FIL's plates. I said "oh actually, DH is washing up tonight as we cooked dinner". MIL replied "oh no that's ok, son - you've been at work all week, me and Schiz will do it". Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36 - he said fuck all and crept off into the living room with FIL.

I could not hide my anger. MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

I just cannot let it go. I am SO SO SO angry with him. I'm so angry, it's actually made me wonder if we should stay together.

OP posts:
charitygirl · 26/01/2012 14:43

Oh OP! You're my hero!

Gay40 · 26/01/2012 14:43

Swoons.

pollyblue · 26/01/2012 14:43

Gay40 I was just thinking the same....!

A woman with her dander well and truly up can be a stunning sight to behold.

pollyblue · 26/01/2012 14:44

And her head explodes too! Grin
So that's not just me then.....

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 14:44

To be clear on how I feel about all this (apart from a little scared, yet strangely awed, by the OP):

Your DH was utterly in the wrong not to honour the agreement you made.
You MIL was in the wrong to tell you what to do in your own house
You were in the wrong not to use that impressive rage of yours to good effect when your PILs were there.
Your FIL is a lost cause.

feralgirl · 26/01/2012 14:45

Dumping unwashed pots in car = awesome. OP I think I love you.

YANBU btw.

pollyblue · 26/01/2012 14:45

OP, you could run a marathon on that amount of fury.

A proper question though, has your other half always had trouble aserting himself with his parents?

Schizophonic · 26/01/2012 14:45

I'm so sorry I really have to log off now I've only recently bought this laptop and don't want to risk it getting broken. I'll return to this thread later but please if anyone is considering coming on and telling me to take it easy on DH because he doesn't know any better, don't. Seriously.

OP posts:
Callisto · 26/01/2012 14:45

Schiz - I'm with you mate. Well done for standing up to your lazy arsed partner. I can totally see why you are so angry. And dirty washing in car is genius.

CailinDana · 26/01/2012 14:46

I don't think anyone will, OP, don't worry.

Gay40 · 26/01/2012 14:46

I knew I was madly in love with DP early on when she went absolutely ballistic at being offered a flower by the resteraunt owner where we'd had dinner. And I mean: ballistic.

ShirleyForAllSeasons · 26/01/2012 14:46

Hahaha Gay40 - you groomer!

olgaga · 26/01/2012 14:47

Waiting for DH to tell MIL that I'd actually done 45hours this week myself as opposed to his 36

I don't understand why you couldn't have said this.

MIL could tell I was angry, couldn't understand why. They left early, mil upset thinking she'd upset me.

Well she had upset you, hadn't she? And you didn't explain why.

I think you need to be a little more assertive Wink.

Gay40 · 26/01/2012 14:48

I can't help it. When I see a woman doing a magnificent feminist rant....

pjmama · 26/01/2012 14:48

Don't take it easy on him, lazy bastard deserves a slap (and pots in his car). However, next time stick up for yourself in front of the in-laws! Grin

StripeyScarf · 26/01/2012 14:49

You are bonkers
Iwould be running down the road pdq

SlightlyJaded · 26/01/2012 14:50

Here's the thing.

I would be angry too. I get it

But, because this is how your DH was raised, he will not understand 'what the fuss is about'. No matter that you are right, not matter that you've sat down, discussed it, agreed it, whatever. When he says 'yes ok' he is just paying you lip service and doing it to keep the peace, he actually thinks he's being terribly modern and kind to generally help out, because it is absolutely 100% ingrained in him that women do the housework. It's all he's ever known and he honestly believes this to be the way.

I know this because I have a similar thing at home. DH helps round the house (slightly different as I work freelance so am often a SAHM when not working) but he does it in the way that my 4 year old DC would - looking for a gold star on the reward chart - and not because he fundamentally believes it is fair and right

So the minute his mum comes along and lets him off the hook, he reverts. The only way to stop this happening is for you to make him understand and really believe it's fair - not for him to just be doing it to make you happy. I don't know how you achieve this, but once he gets it into his head that the housework is 50/50 because it's the right and fair way to do it, he will stick up for what he believes. He won't now, because deep down he doesn't believe it IYSWIM

He needs further educating and the next time you see your MIL you should tell her that you respect the way her and her DH live, but you are different, times have changed and you would appreciate her support. Out of interest did MIL work full time/earn more money etc? You need to make her see the light too!!

Good luck

Agincourt · 26/01/2012 14:52

Your MIL can't understand why you are angry because it looks like she has waited on her husband and your dh and done a traditional 1950s 'good wife' role. I think you need to tell your dh that you don't feel it is acceptable that he do nothing and expect you to wait on him whilst his parents are there.

The other way of looking at it though is that you get to spend time with your MIL (if she is nice) and you can leave them to watch top gear or something. I know that sounds flippant but I live with three men and I sometimes just want to escape them tbh, go a walk, have a bath, do the washing up, anything really to get away from flipping challenge tv

MoChan · 26/01/2012 14:52

Despite having said pretty much the same thing myself, earlier, olgaga, I can actually understand why she didn't tell MIL that she works longer hours.

I have been in a similar situation myself, and you don't because you, quite rationally, think it would sound better coming from HIM; another person can mention it without attracting judgement; the minute the aggrieved says something like that, people think they are being cross/petty/a martyr.

Which of course they aren't.

Junebugjr · 26/01/2012 14:54

Yadnbu. I would have hit the fucking roof and probably caused a scene infront of his parents , so I must admire your self control. Am most impressed about the pans too .

In these situations I find threats work best, such as - if you ever do that again I will cause a massive argument infront of your parents, so you had best move your arse as agreed. Petty probably, but works a treat.

When myself and dh moved in together years ago, we fell into the traditional roles for a couple of years before kids, despite me working the same hours. However, being pregnant and picking up half rolled up dirty socks, sorting through daily piles of assorted piles of screws, tacks, old letters receipts etc etc, as well as cooking and cleaning soon began to incense me.
I completely flipped one day and gathered every bit of crap left round the house left for me to pick up and flung it out the upstairs window to the pavement below to welcome him home. Not my finest moment obviously. I'm blaming heavily pregnant hormones. Not a sock has been left since though.

tinkertitonk · 26/01/2012 14:54

He is wrong and you are insane.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 26/01/2012 14:54

Absolutely love it. And for what its worth OP it isn't your job to tell your MIL the score in your home. It's your DH's job. His family, his home, his job.

OhCobblers · 26/01/2012 14:54

If he leaves mucky pots on the side I dump them all in his car
Quote of 2012 so far - genius Grin

You have my full sympathy. Thankfully my DH would send me and his mother to sit down while he cleared up - i actually think my MIL is rather proud of him when he does that! You are absolutely NOT unreasonable. Looking forward to further updates from OP.

Lueji · 26/01/2012 14:55

My ex was just like that.

At his parents' it was even a struggle to get "the men" to come to the table. Angry

You have every right to be angry, but after that subsides, you may want to discuss it properly with your OH and make an action plan for future events with ILs.
He should be made very clear that should he act again like this, you will clarify your position and your house rules with ILs.

Kayzr · 26/01/2012 14:56

I agree with tinker. Yeah your DH might have been stupid but you're mad. A couple of times he's done this and you're putting dirty plates in his car.